Today is our last night staying in Hawai'i. The Marriott suite is nice though my sofa bed isn't super comfortable and I don't sleep too well in it, though I don't complain about it. I know how things are. My folks get the master bedroom..my sisters get the other room. I get the sofa bed. The view is nice. I get to see palm trees and the ocean. What isn't spectacular is people turning on the lights in the kitchen or entry way while I am trying to sleep or am sleeping. The other thing is having to constantly close and open the sofa bed twice a day. I can't leave it open because "that looks messy" and is "in the way". 

I have come to realize my mum and I are not close anymore. Anytime I try to hold her hand, hug her, or lean or rest my head against her, she shrugs me off or pulls away. Fair enough. 

I also see my little sister as being very moody and acting bratty towards me. It goes with the fact people seem to discount me.

My experience  and past is not really known to my family. 

It is cold.

I miss you, my love. I don't even know your name or where you are, but I love you. My heart aches to find you. I just hop I am finally worthy enough for your love. Worthy enough for my own satisfaction...

Wildcat found her mate. 

Marshmallow, despite cheating, has her mate.

The bratty bear was a liar and the rabbit too timid and clingy.

I am Wolf. When will I find my mate, my warrior queen?

I want so desperately to share all I have and all that I am with her. 

I feel lonely without you.

My ring makes me feel different. Hopeful. It makes me imagine my hands in yours. 

I want you. All of you. I need you in my life.

Someday. 

Someday...

It's weird. I can help her get organized, plan things out etc, but when it comes to my own life my brain feels like a melted puddle of goo. I can't think straight, my head hurts, i'm tired, and I'm stressed. I really wanna do well and i'm having a lot of trouble staying focused.

I need to shower and eat. I'm starving tbh.

And then I gotta work like hell to fix my project.

It's even more weird when the most honest and genuine support seems to be coming from my ex and her boyfriend. They made me smile and gave me advice and just made me feel relaxed.

Cat stresses me out and is a little over the top and very depressed. Bear has such a crazy life that I'm stressed the fuck out over it and I cannot focus on my own life and that's not good

A least Wildcat's life is less tumultuous than theirs and because Wildcat knows me so well, she understands what i'm like and how i deal with people etc.

Who knows where this will go?

I hate myself tonight. Be it $50 or $12, you're punitive measures are shit. I learned my finances and wanted to take advantage of a sale and couldplay my full due literally a day after the sale ended so I asked for leniency. Ill pay my due up front and the remaining 12 when my paycheck comes in the day after the sale ends.  I already did the work. I earned the goddamn money. So fuck you.

fuck this bullshit.

I just wanted to get food for my girlfriend and her family god damnit.

Why does this whole money bullshit have to be so goddamn complicated and stupid. I swear we spent at least an hour trying to figure this shit out only to come to a dead end each time.

And now she and her family will be hungry tonight.

She's tired of life tonight...says it's been like this for ten years and she's ready for it to change.

I want to be a force for positive change. I want to help and protect and love her with all my heart and all my soul and all my resources.

I feel pretty fucking useless as she and her family goes hungry because I couldn't find a way.

I miss you.

I love you already. I think I always have. More recently I have felt your presence quite strongly. You've been there for me even though we haven't met yet. You love me even though you don't know me yet.

I've felt your hands and even heard your words today.

I was tempted to ignore the Shenandoah Forest but I heard you tell me that you would rather me look around and enjoy the view of the woods rather than try to find you or your name just yet. You wanted me to be myself and seek out adventures and unique experiences for us to to talk about and share together when we do meet.

I haven't seen your face yet nor do I know your name, but I know you're there for me and that we will be very happy together.

I look forward to meeting you and being the best I can be, for us both.

reason #4569 why my mother and i don't really get along:

it's July 4th and i spent the whole night gaming with my cousin and genuinely have a great time. mom makes it out like i just abandoned my schoolwork to do drugs or some shit saying stuff like "oh just because you had nothing to do you stayed up all night? that's smart. you have packing to do. we aren't coming back." *angrily stomps off*

like wtf. i only used two days worth of clothes. i literally had nothing to do and have nothing to do today...

she gets so angry over random shit...

I hate how high pitch my voice is. My younger cousin has a deeper voice than i do and I sound like a squeaky fucking girl. Tonight's just one of those nights where i'm in a self-depreciating mood I suppose. I'm just angry at myself, and disappointed, and disgusted, and tired.

Sigh.

I just wanna be happy again. I want to find peace again, but I don't see that as a likely occurrence in the near future and I don't know if i'll make it to a "far" future...

I miss her company, even if she was a jerk from time to time. I liked sleeping next to her.

but i try not to dwell too much on that now.

It doesn't help to look back on what I voluntarily walked away from.

to my future lady,

if youre anything like me, youre laying in bed at 5am and asking yourself "when will I find the person who will make me feel safe enough to completely relax at night?"

youre probably tired and a bit lonely, but like me, you refuse to settle or be treated like shit anymore and yet, at the same time you just want to find your soulmate sooner rather than later.

i love you already, and i believe in us more strongly everyday.

why? because if we have come this far while still being apart, then i have no doubt that we can move mountains together.

we will find each other one of these days and i promise, when i find you, i will never let go.

you are worth it and dont you let the memories of your exes tell you otherwise.

the words of my exes haunt me too. it wasnt our fault. we did our best but they just werent the ones for us and that has nothing to do with our own effort or character. how they treated us is merely a reflection of themselves and not our hearts.

so hold on, my dear. we are one night closer to finding each other.

I love you.

(1)

times like these remind me of how alone i really am sometimes. i had one of my very lucid nightmares that only happen once or twice every few months but they always freak me out and usually are a result of suppressed thoughts and feelings etc or feel like some kind of warning.

usually, i would go to my s/o or best friend or close friend etc and just talk to them about it, but i realized i didnt have anyone i was close to like that.

it really does suck, trying to claw your way back up from your problems, at times.

i know it was for the best, but knowing i made the right choice doesnt make living with the consequences any easier.

there are some times in life that you just want a god damn bestfriend to tell shit to when you cant tell anyone else.

this is one of those times, it seems.

No one I've seen so far even rivals my ex...not even close...

How am I supposed to do this? How do I find and meet someone without feeling like I am settling cause I can't have someone like my ex but more respectful.

I think I will regret leaving her for the rest of my life. Even if I was able to focus more without the drama that seemed to constantly surround her, I feel she was my soulmate.

I just don't know what to do. I feel alone.

I just need a hug or someone to hold sometimes. Is that so much to ask?

Maybe it is.

I just feel down today.

it is a bad morning. i had a flashback of my ex when she was suicidial & i cant get that look i saw in her eyes out of my head. i nearly had a panic attack & almost broke down.

why is this so difficult? and why must i feel so damn guilty for trying to take care of myself? this isnt fucking fair. i just wanted to be happy/safe but i cant get her out of my head. i cant forget her smile or her giggles. i cant forget her pain or her fear. I cant forget what i told her & what she told me in return. i cant forget everything that happened.

i cant forget her. and it is tearing me apart little by little.

i still love her and desperately want her in my life. but i cannot do it all by myself & she stopped helping/sharing the load.

i left because i cant carry the weight of her world & mine all by myself all the time without her support.

and in the end, i felt like just another name to her. and thats how she treated me..

what a cruel & deceiving reality...you can be in love for years & walk away as strangers.

it is a wonder how i am not fully insane yet. carrying all that weight with me. knowing the stories of the broken & always being by their side as best i can but knowing in your heart of hearts even someone you loved and who, at some level, loved you back wasnt there for you the way you were for them...that in the end, they didnt share the weight with you. they just gave it to you & pretended like you were there solely for the purpose of carrying their burdens for the fun of it.

it hurts. and at some level it will always hurt me & will always be there in the back of my mind..

i dont trust people, & this is why, at least in part.

i cant open up & odds are there wont ever be someone who loves me like i need & want to be loved.

and i know that. i know it wont happen.

not everyone is so lucky to win the love of their goddess.

i had it and lost it all.

the most beautiful, smartest, funniest, sexiest, most amazing woman imaginable...and i let her go.

I feel like Jeriah or Naruto when it comes to love. Maybe I should have stayed. Beared the burden of my love for her...

No reward necessary right?

That's what I said. But she didn't listen to me or really respect me much.

And that hurt.

Was I wrong to walk away so soon? Did I make a mistake in my rash decision to leave her?

I was content to watch over her...did I get greedy and jealous that she wasn't paying me any heed?

I realize now I don't really have anyone left I trust. I really don't.

No one to submit my heart and secret self to.

I feel like a burden telling my problems or kookie fears and anxiety ridden thoughts to.

They don't need or want that stuff. Why would anyone want it?? I don't want my thoughts so why force others to experience them?

Ugh.


I'm starving.

Well marshmallow is still being an obtuse child.

It is so frustrating not having friends that aren't fucking idiots sometimes. Like seriously. Wtaf.

You bitch so much but are too weak to do shit about it...and then bitch that you can't do anything about it >.>

Wtf am I supposed to do?

You got yourself into the shithole and refuse to leave it...what am I meant to help with?

Ugh. Children. Never having them.

It's always been the loneliness that hurts most. The emptiness being close or far from you.

I don't have any best friends anymore.

No one to pour my heart out to...no one to cry with.

I am struggling and if I were to scream silently, who would hear my soul cry out? Who would know me well enough to see what is happening through the look in my eyes?

Few, if any.

I was so tempted to talk to her. But she is fine without me. So what's the point?

I'm alone. And that's how it is.

Silent night

 The night is cold, and quiet...and lonely.

I miss her...my kitten. These moonlit nights remind me of our times together, talking by candlelight as she smoked...we pondered the world, life, and death...I found peace in the company.

Where has that peace gone?

Marshmallow is naive and foolish. Strong, but young. She cannot help me in times like this. She won't understand what I see or the struggle I face.

My own mother is ignorant of her role in my frustration. She thinks she is helping but by not allowing even the possibility of importance in my own actions she loses my trust in her.

I am lonely. Alone with my struggles and yet seeking those worthy of my loyalty. For now, I serve those whom I've taken under my wing. I at first see them as companions and equals until they prove to be others simply in need of a vehicle. In time, they too will leave. As all do.

Sometimes I wonder if I had just taken a few breaths and slept on it. Maybe wildcat and I would still be friends at least. But I know in my heart of hearts that it would not improve. She is a player. A flirt. And has not the maturity to accept when she has wronged me, even after all these years, she is blind to the ones who love her.

Still no word on sparrow. She too left me in the lurch...for her own safety I presume.

Sometimes I'm tempted to block her too.

What use is someone who never talks to you or acknowledges your existence?

I feel so lonely without having someone to trust completely.

It is cold outside. Cold and quiet. I miss the sounds of the night. I miss falling asleep under the stars and at home with the woods...

I'm afraid of failing again. I need to get stronger. I have to find the inspiration to beat this challenge.

I have to.

I'm not going to be any use if I remain weak as I am.

I'm hungry.

It's cold...but naruto is proving more than decent.

I shall curl back up and hope the loneliness ends some day. Some day...

I don't see much chance of ever getting married. Of ever loving someone who loves me back as much if not more than I love them.  Sigh.

I hate this cold loneliness. But I shall endure it. For them, at least.

I live to serve.

Naruto and life

I learned something from watching the original Naruto series...

Sometimes you have to give things a chance. It took almost 30-50 episodes for the series to become more exciting and worthwhile.

Celtic soul

I miss her dearly...but even still I refuse to crawl back to anyone anymore. I have more self respect and dignity than to beg to be accepted or loved. My soul is that of a warrior and I will not bow to anyone who is not worthy of my spirit.

Tomorrow is 4/20 and I know she'll be getting high and I won't be there to see it. As much as I will miss it, I know i can't let myself be weak.

I will be stronger than my desires. I will be stronger than my wants. I will become more than I ever was, for myself. For my love of the future. For my duty to those around me.

Okay this is fucking ridiculous. How does my cousin have a hot date for prom and I'm still single. I don't get it.

Days like this are really difficult to cope with. I feel pretty alone.

I know Marshmallow will say some shit about always being there for me, but she can't be. She's got her own issues and she's too young and immature to understand everything I'm facing. She's naive too. Making the same mistake with the same guys or types of guys over and over. She needs to stand up for herself.

I just miss being legitimately wanted, needed, and loved. I miss having a partner in life.

I should start working out I guess.

I'm just tired, right? Things have to get better... they just have to...