Here again

I didn't expect to be here again... 

My therapist says I should find ways of "living my truth" and allowing my emotions to show more rather than chronically suppressing the negative ones.

"Where does the anger go?" He asked me. 

For all the wrongs and ills I've faced and endured throughout my life, where did all the anger, the hate, and resentment go?

So I told him. I told him about Wolf. About my fears of becoming someone who loses control and harms those around me...to the point that I can almost no longer hate...that my anger simply exhausts me...it's easier to simply breathe in my frustration and breathe out the pain.

But, I am a man of my word if nothing else, so here I am, writing again.

If you're reading this, and I know that you know who you are, know this:

You destroyed the last vestiges of hope that I had for the future. Those who claim it is better to have loved and lost clearly didn't love very much because let me tell you...I'd rather not have loved at all if the loss takes so much away.

You gave my world color only to take it away. 

I could forgive so much but this?

No.

I do not forgive this action.

For all the choices you could have made, you made some of the worst. You took my vulnerability and my trust and hope and future and poisoned it.

I stopped believing in a future because of you. I do not believe in love finding me ever again because of you. You opened my eyes to the reality of modern dating and I know understand that there is no benefit a woman like you could ever provide a man like me that would ever be worth the risks of losing everything I've built up again.

I harbor a deeply rooted level of resentment and bitterness now because of what you took from me.

While I cannot hate you, I cannot claim to have any love left for you. I am indifferent to you. 

You reminded me of all the reasons why I stayed single, stopped trusting, and withdrew from the world.

In the end you were right, you did not deserve me. 

Now I lay awake for longer than I should wondering if I'll ever see the world in color again. If I will ever find someone worthy of standing by my side and actually trusting after all of this.

You didn't just hurt me. You reinforced every fear and paranoid concern I had about trust and love.

You stole the one thing I'd already give up on: hope.

And for that? You doomed me to suffer in solitude once more.

Fuck. You. 

I didn't deserve this. I wasn't perfect but I did NOT deserve this. 

I never wanted to thaw my heart again but I tried, for you...now it won't go back. I feel again...and it hurts.

It hurts in ways even all my skills with and knowledge of words can't adequately describe. It lingers, it creeps forth, it permeates the core of who I am, it poisons me in ways I am still discovering more than a year later. 

I hope you regret what you did because I regret letting you into my heart and mind.

The only good things left over from you are Gibbo and Nox.

I will never forget how I was betrayed by the person who claimed to love and want to marry me. I refuse to ever fall for such lies again.

I say once more, fuck you.

Loss

The most painful thing wasn't the cheating or betrayal or the lies or continued disrespect... 

No, I think the biggest loss was when I realized you were no longer someone I respected or looked up to.

What's obvious is you're in the throes of mental health issues for which you repeatedly refuse to seek professional help for.

In the end this unstable pattern of behaviors will repeat over and over leaving you emptier and emptier each time until there is nothing left.

I loved you, flaws and all. I was willing to forgive and move forward together towards a better future.

In the end you chose convenience over commitment and burned bridges one after another in what seems like a shameless and almost proud manner.

I wish you the best in life but I know your life won't improve until you're willing to step up and take accountability for what you've done and who you are.

Perhaps some day things will be different but who I am today cannot help the person you've become so long as you act out in an insufferable and obtuse manner while destroying all the hard work you put in over the years. 

For once, I am well and truly disappointed.

I believed in you. I still believe in you but I can't walk the road you've chosen and still be the man I deserve to be.

Good luck with your life. I will be taking a step back from you. You made your choices. Now live with them.

Goodbye.

Salt in the wounds

 

I wonder if you realize how much it hurts that you forgot about me but had time to spend with him. Sometimes I wonder if you actually understand or care about me anymore. 

I feel like you never had any intention to ever cut things off with him. Was it truly that you actually chose someone else over me? After all the chances and all the space I gave you?

Why am I the one who has to suffer when you were the one who cheated on me? I still dont really know what you think or feel anymore. 

You feel more relaxed but also at arm's length. 

It hurts me to see you with the person you cheated on me with. 

It's hard to tell what's truth and what's a lie. Did you really forget what day it was? Or did you just not want to deal with me so you conveniently "forgot"? Was your plan always to hang out with him? Or was it just happenstance that you forgot and he was available?

My heart hurts. I dont feel seen or respected or appreciated. I am frustrated.

Lovely...

What does it mean to love someone? 

Does it simply refer to the biochemical reactions that result from biological attraction that exists in our base genetic code?

Is it a strong emotional response?

Is it sacrificing oneself for another?

Is it dedication and loyalty?

Is it unwavering fealty?

Is it closing ones eyes to their flaws?

Is it worshipping their best qualities?

Or is it quiet perseverance come what may? Accepting flaws and faults and embracing the person not piecemeal, rather as a whole being, flaws and all?

What is the meaning of love?

How do you love someone?

What does love look like?

Will I ever find a reflection of the love I keep buried in my heart?

the end

It's over and done. She broke up with me, just like I figured she would. 

I no longer know what to think or feel or how to process this profound loss.

It hurts knowing that all her promises and assurances meant nothing in the end. 

What hurts more is I'd still stand by her side if she could show me that she was willing to do the same. 

I really am a fool sometimes. 

uncertainties

How does one even reconcile with the reality of being cheated on and then letting your unfaithful partner spend a week living with the very person she cheated with? 

I struggle to reconcile her supposed desire to repair this relationship with the inability to separate from the very individual she committed this indfidelity with. 

Are these two things not at severe odds with one another? 

Is she so blind to how her actions affect me? Or does she simply not care? 

One would think that someone truly remorseful for their disloyalty would do everything to stay as far away from it as possible so as to not even come close to appearing to flirt with  the idea infidelity ever again.

I struggle to understand what is going through her head.

It could have been anyone else.

And even now...the fact that while she was here...visiting me, she told people she felt no spark.

I feel sick..my heart races with anxiety when it think about it all even a little...as though there is a hand squeezing my chest, gripping a little tighter every single time, leaving me breathless.

I try to mute my reactions. Explosive, retaliatory, or inflammatory words do not help the situation as it is already emotionally charged and difficult yet it doesn't help that I am bottling my frustrations to avoid feeling like I am causing more harm and distress to you on top of what you're already going through... although it feels like I am sacrificing more for this relationship and doing more to try to repair what was broken while you run off with the man you cheated on me with...

I feel a deep sense of loss and betrayal.

What did I do to deserve this?

And what does it mean when you say you love me? What does it really mean? Because if you loved me it means I should have been enough for you...but it's clear I was not ..either too much or not enough for you to be loyal to me...not to cheat.

But you did. And you didn't hide it. Snaps with hickeys. Lies. Poor coverups. 

You didn't care if I saw or if others caught on.

You didn't think about me. 

You didn't think how I would feel all this when I found out or how painfully difficult it would be to try to rekindle our relationship when you keep taking actions that undermine any sense of trust or faith we have left.

What am I supposed to do?

Help me help you. 

You can't abandon a relationship and think that everything's gonna be okay afterwards. That we will be able to just go back to the way everything used to be.

 We cannot. 

There has been serious damage done to my views on love and relationships and I'm am wary of committing to anything until I feel like things are more... conducive to a real relationship.

It's going to take a lot to rebuild trust and love between us.

I hope you can understand.

The Martyr

 

I dont think you realize just how frustrating it can be when you default to throwing yourself away for the sake of "making things okay" when that's not even close to what I want or asked for. 

That kinda makes ME feel like a shitty human being to even consider a situation where I am happy but my partner's needs/wants/desires are just trampled and forgotten. What kind of person does that? Why would I want that to be the groundwork and foundation for a relationship with anyone?

That does NOT make me happy. It does the opposite in fact. It makes me sad just thinking that you're just there being ignored and unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

Stop trying to sacrifice yourself for me. I dont want that. 

You act like you throwing yourself off a cliff is doing me some kind of service. I dont understand what you think you're accomplishing doing this. 

It does not help me, that's for sure. And it's not helping you in the long run either.

Im not here to use or take advantage of you.

I WANT to be equals. Stop trying to create this distance between us like it's only my happiness or yours. Why cant we both be happy together? I simply do not understand.