Peace

I sit here today, in a ratty ambo with a nail in its tire, stuck driving a BLS truck in DC... And yet I feel relaxed.. calm... 

Hell, my PR is in the 50s. It's usually high 90s or even over 100.

I am sitting and listening to the world go by, the wind in the trees, the chirping of the birds, the crackle of dried leaves scraping along the pavement with every wayward gust of wind.

This is a slice of heaven to me.

Cool air, clear skies, warm sun, and no drama, no immediate stress or calamity or problems for me to fix or deal with.

I am grateful. I wish for more days and nights like this.

God is good. He knows best and I shall endeavor to be open to his guidance and to approach things with eyes and a heart that see blessings rather than broken things to fix.

Thank you, God. I needed this.

Nights like these

Nights like these... I feel a million miles away from my own body. Searching, seeking, dreaming, hoping, and letting go. 

My world slowly corrodes day by day while I put my all into the external. 

I wish my environment managed itself. 

I feel like I'm reaching for the stars all over again, hand reaching for the midnight skies, watching the tinkling stars so far from my grasp. Beauty and boldness I can never hold.

Why am I like this?

Have I given up? I don't think my mind has but my body feels like it stopped fighting so long ago.

I'm tired. 

I am so tired. I long for where I belong. Whomever I belong to.

I love you. I miss you. 

May we find each other in this life or the next.

Longing yet so far from belonging

It's funny... 

Looking decent, making decent money, cooking, cleaning, paramedicine/critical care/pediatric critical care, and so many other "marketable skills" but I am alone.

I feel so lonely and empty without a true partner by my side.

She will never know just how much her betrayal broke me.

I long to belong to someone.

But my heart and soul fear that such is not to be.

I pray for the wheels of fate to turn once more and bring me back to a place of color and hope and joy...

For now my nights leave my heart aching, my mind drifting, and my soul, and bed, empty.

Here again

I didn't expect to be here again... 

My therapist says I should find ways of "living my truth" and allowing my emotions to show more rather than chronically suppressing the negative ones.

"Where does the anger go?" He asked me. 

For all the wrongs and ills I've faced and endured throughout my life, where did all the anger, the hate, and resentment go?

So I told him. I told him about Wolf. About my fears of becoming someone who loses control and harms those around me...to the point that I can almost no longer hate...that my anger simply exhausts me...it's easier to simply breathe in my frustration and breathe out the pain.

But, I am a man of my word if nothing else, so here I am, writing again.

If you're reading this, and I know that you know who you are, know this:

You destroyed the last vestiges of hope that I had for the future. Those who claim it is better to have loved and lost clearly didn't love very much because let me tell you...I'd rather not have loved at all if the loss takes so much away.

You gave my world color only to take it away. 

I could forgive so much but this?

No.

I do not forgive this action.

For all the choices you could have made, you made some of the worst. You took my vulnerability and my trust and hope and future and poisoned it.

I stopped believing in a future because of you. I do not believe in love finding me ever again because of you. You opened my eyes to the reality of modern dating and I know understand that there is no benefit a woman like you could ever provide a man like me that would ever be worth the risks of losing everything I've built up again.

I harbor a deeply rooted level of resentment and bitterness now because of what you took from me.

While I cannot hate you, I cannot claim to have any love left for you. I am indifferent to you. 

You reminded me of all the reasons why I stayed single, stopped trusting, and withdrew from the world.

In the end you were right, you did not deserve me. 

Now I lay awake for longer than I should wondering if I'll ever see the world in color again. If I will ever find someone worthy of standing by my side and actually trusting after all of this.

You didn't just hurt me. You reinforced every fear and paranoid concern I had about trust and love.

You stole the one thing I'd already give up on: hope.

And for that? You doomed me to suffer in solitude once more.

Fuck. You. 

I didn't deserve this. I wasn't perfect but I did NOT deserve this. 

I never wanted to thaw my heart again but I tried, for you...now it won't go back. I feel again...and it hurts.

It hurts in ways even all my skills with and knowledge of words can't adequately describe. It lingers, it creeps forth, it permeates the core of who I am, it poisons me in ways I am still discovering more than a year later. 

I hope you regret what you did because I regret letting you into my heart and mind.

The only good things left over from you are Gibbo and Nox.

I will never forget how I was betrayed by the person who claimed to love and want to marry me. I refuse to ever fall for such lies again.

I say once more, fuck you.

Loss

The most painful thing wasn't the cheating or betrayal or the lies or continued disrespect... 

No, I think the biggest loss was when I realized you were no longer someone I respected or looked up to.

What's obvious is you're in the throes of mental health issues for which you repeatedly refuse to seek professional help for.

In the end this unstable pattern of behaviors will repeat over and over leaving you emptier and emptier each time until there is nothing left.

I loved you, flaws and all. I was willing to forgive and move forward together towards a better future.

In the end you chose convenience over commitment and burned bridges one after another in what seems like a shameless and almost proud manner.

I wish you the best in life but I know your life won't improve until you're willing to step up and take accountability for what you've done and who you are.

Perhaps some day things will be different but who I am today cannot help the person you've become so long as you act out in an insufferable and obtuse manner while destroying all the hard work you put in over the years. 

For once, I am well and truly disappointed.

I believed in you. I still believe in you but I can't walk the road you've chosen and still be the man I deserve to be.

Good luck with your life. I will be taking a step back from you. You made your choices. Now live with them.

Goodbye.

Salt in the wounds

 

I wonder if you realize how much it hurts that you forgot about me but had time to spend with him. Sometimes I wonder if you actually understand or care about me anymore. 

I feel like you never had any intention to ever cut things off with him. Was it truly that you actually chose someone else over me? After all the chances and all the space I gave you?

Why am I the one who has to suffer when you were the one who cheated on me? I still dont really know what you think or feel anymore. 

You feel more relaxed but also at arm's length. 

It hurts me to see you with the person you cheated on me with. 

It's hard to tell what's truth and what's a lie. Did you really forget what day it was? Or did you just not want to deal with me so you conveniently "forgot"? Was your plan always to hang out with him? Or was it just happenstance that you forgot and he was available?

My heart hurts. I dont feel seen or respected or appreciated. I am frustrated.

Lovely...

What does it mean to love someone? 

Does it simply refer to the biochemical reactions that result from biological attraction that exists in our base genetic code?

Is it a strong emotional response?

Is it sacrificing oneself for another?

Is it dedication and loyalty?

Is it unwavering fealty?

Is it closing ones eyes to their flaws?

Is it worshipping their best qualities?

Or is it quiet perseverance come what may? Accepting flaws and faults and embracing the person not piecemeal, rather as a whole being, flaws and all?

What is the meaning of love?

How do you love someone?

What does love look like?

Will I ever find a reflection of the love I keep buried in my heart?