Silent night

 The night is cold, and quiet...and lonely.

I miss her...my kitten. These moonlit nights remind me of our times together, talking by candlelight as she smoked...we pondered the world, life, and death...I found peace in the company.

Where has that peace gone?

Marshmallow is naive and foolish. Strong, but young. She cannot help me in times like this. She won't understand what I see or the struggle I face.

My own mother is ignorant of her role in my frustration. She thinks she is helping but by not allowing even the possibility of importance in my own actions she loses my trust in her.

I am lonely. Alone with my struggles and yet seeking those worthy of my loyalty. For now, I serve those whom I've taken under my wing. I at first see them as companions and equals until they prove to be others simply in need of a vehicle. In time, they too will leave. As all do.

Sometimes I wonder if I had just taken a few breaths and slept on it. Maybe wildcat and I would still be friends at least. But I know in my heart of hearts that it would not improve. She is a player. A flirt. And has not the maturity to accept when she has wronged me, even after all these years, she is blind to the ones who love her.

Still no word on sparrow. She too left me in the lurch...for her own safety I presume.

Sometimes I'm tempted to block her too.

What use is someone who never talks to you or acknowledges your existence?

I feel so lonely without having someone to trust completely.

It is cold outside. Cold and quiet. I miss the sounds of the night. I miss falling asleep under the stars and at home with the woods...

I'm afraid of failing again. I need to get stronger. I have to find the inspiration to beat this challenge.

I have to.

I'm not going to be any use if I remain weak as I am.

I'm hungry.

It's cold...but naruto is proving more than decent.

I shall curl back up and hope the loneliness ends some day. Some day...

I don't see much chance of ever getting married. Of ever loving someone who loves me back as much if not more than I love them.  Sigh.

I hate this cold loneliness. But I shall endure it. For them, at least.

I live to serve.