it is a bad morning. i had a flashback of my ex when she was suicidial & i cant get that look i saw in her eyes out of my head. i nearly had a panic attack & almost broke down.

why is this so difficult? and why must i feel so damn guilty for trying to take care of myself? this isnt fucking fair. i just wanted to be happy/safe but i cant get her out of my head. i cant forget her smile or her giggles. i cant forget her pain or her fear. I cant forget what i told her & what she told me in return. i cant forget everything that happened.

i cant forget her. and it is tearing me apart little by little.

i still love her and desperately want her in my life. but i cannot do it all by myself & she stopped helping/sharing the load.

i left because i cant carry the weight of her world & mine all by myself all the time without her support.

and in the end, i felt like just another name to her. and thats how she treated me..

what a cruel & deceiving reality...you can be in love for years & walk away as strangers.

it is a wonder how i am not fully insane yet. carrying all that weight with me. knowing the stories of the broken & always being by their side as best i can but knowing in your heart of hearts even someone you loved and who, at some level, loved you back wasnt there for you the way you were for them...that in the end, they didnt share the weight with you. they just gave it to you & pretended like you were there solely for the purpose of carrying their burdens for the fun of it.

it hurts. and at some level it will always hurt me & will always be there in the back of my mind..

i dont trust people, & this is why, at least in part.

i cant open up & odds are there wont ever be someone who loves me like i need & want to be loved.

and i know that. i know it wont happen.

not everyone is so lucky to win the love of their goddess.

i had it and lost it all.

the most beautiful, smartest, funniest, sexiest, most amazing woman imaginable...and i let her go.