Well, that was a shock.

She still reads my blog. And funny enough it says no one has even viewed my blog in ages...

Oh well.

I had assumed my secret plan was safe here.

I made her a new email...account, and toon. It was a baby songweaver. I made her look like EatYourSoul. I used the same PIN and setup the same note and put all the skills as close to where you had them...

I gave her 15 million kinah and power leveled her to 32 in two days...

I was gonna give it to Rob and have him surprise you. I did not think it appropriate to come from me. I was going to have him say he did it all and have you two level it together to bring you two closer...

I don't know what to do with it now.

In other news I still don't know what to think about the fact that my first ex contacted me.

It makes me really confused and anxious.

And my dad broke my $140 pair of sunglasses accidentally and I have clinical shifts as soon as I get back...

Sigh.

The struggle is real. I don't think I'll be able to convince anyone to replace them for me cause I kind of spent nearly all my money on her. They think it was for gaming. It was just to make her happy.

I'm working on trying to get a custom Oakely Flak Jacket...its what the Oakley representative suggested for EMTs and teachers etc.

It's some good shit.

I miss you but I'd never say it around you or Rob. Apparently he'd "ruin me" by beating me with a pipe.

Fun.

I don't really appreciate that kind of talk. Rachel's boyfriend Jacob Isaacson talked like that. It bothers me. A lot.

But whatever.

I'm tired. The most the of Fasting, Ramadan, started. No food or drink from sun up to sun down. And I'm trying to take this time to curb my habit of swearing and to be more responsible these days.

I guess I can't get you out of my head.

Doomed to be haunted by my mistakes and losing the person that matters most to me.

Sigh.

James m. sama says in his blog that this leads good men to be jaded, cynical, and skeptical of everyone they meet. Its logical. Its not fair. But it happens.

He says it's our struggle to overcome these feelings and to be open to new people.in our lives. I guess this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

It's been weeks if not months and I don't think you will stop floating through my head.
I haven't slept properly in weeks...

I don't sleep until 3am every morning because I'm afraid of what I dream and what I think.

On another note. I think I'll get the Oakley Flak Jacket 2.0 with matte black frame and black mirrored polarized lenses. Perfect for on or off duty.

I wish I was able to work out right now to burn some steam. I really can't stand hanging around my family for too long. Especially my mom and youngest sister.

I need a friend, lol.

I just want to fucking rant and be heard and respected and not told I'm a whiny botch or to man up all the time. I'm only human. I get mad and sad and frustrated too and its hard to deal with it on my own all the time.

Allison's nice and all but she's not best friend material..not mature enough yet.

Sigh.

I dunno. My head hurts and I'm primed to go off at some point today it seems.

Someone talk to me.

Other than my fucking ex, Rachel.

She fucking admitted she was responsible for what happened to me. She is goddamn right. Fucking crazy woman. You don't toy with someone like that.

And you don't fucking send a hitman to harass your ex over it either.

Fuck her.

I want to go yell at her but I'm not going to...

I don't wanna see her fucking name on my phone ever again.

Great. Now I'm more angry.

I'm hoping this day turns around sooner or later.