My therapist says I should find ways of "living my truth" and allowing my emotions to show more rather than chronically suppressing the negative ones.
"Where does the anger go?" He asked me.
For all the wrongs and ills I've faced and endured throughout my life, where did all the anger, the hate, and resentment go?
So I told him. I told him about Wolf. About my fears of becoming someone who loses control and harms those around me...to the point that I can almost no longer hate...that my anger simply exhausts me...it's easier to simply breathe in my frustration and breathe out the pain.
But, I am a man of my word if nothing else, so here I am, writing again.
If you're reading this, and I know that you know who you are, know this:
You destroyed the last vestiges of hope that I had for the future. Those who claim it is better to have loved and lost clearly didn't love very much because let me tell you...I'd rather not have loved at all if the loss takes so much away.
You gave my world color only to take it away.
I could forgive so much but this?
No.
I do not forgive this action.
For all the choices you could have made, you made some of the worst. You took my vulnerability and my trust and hope and future and poisoned it.
I stopped believing in a future because of you. I do not believe in love finding me ever again because of you. You opened my eyes to the reality of modern dating and I know understand that there is no benefit a woman like you could ever provide a man like me that would ever be worth the risks of losing everything I've built up again.
I harbor a deeply rooted level of resentment and bitterness now because of what you took from me.
While I cannot hate you, I cannot claim to have any love left for you. I am indifferent to you.
You reminded me of all the reasons why I stayed single, stopped trusting, and withdrew from the world.
In the end you were right, you did not deserve me.
Now I lay awake for longer than I should wondering if I'll ever see the world in color again. If I will ever find someone worthy of standing by my side and actually trusting after all of this.
You didn't just hurt me. You reinforced every fear and paranoid concern I had about trust and love.
You stole the one thing I'd already give up on: hope.
And for that? You doomed me to suffer in solitude once more.
Fuck. You.
I didn't deserve this. I wasn't perfect but I did NOT deserve this.
I never wanted to thaw my heart again but I tried, for you...now it won't go back. I feel again...and it hurts.
It hurts in ways even all my skills with and knowledge of words can't adequately describe. It lingers, it creeps forth, it permeates the core of who I am, it poisons me in ways I am still discovering more than a year later.
I hope you regret what you did because I regret letting you into my heart and mind.
The only good things left over from you are Gibbo and Nox.
I will never forget how I was betrayed by the person who claimed to love and want to marry me. I refuse to ever fall for such lies again.
I say once more, fuck you.
