I feel weird but my profile on here is so different than what it would have been if I made it just a few years ago...it's so open about sex and love and apparently i'm more old-fashioned than most guys my age!

It's funny. I see how much being around you changed me...and I like who I am now compared to who I was then.


It's kinda funny. It's just interesting seeing myself on a stupid site like this and yet I wonder if it would ever work and actually match me with someone who's actually interested in me. (OkCupid)

Yes, I know. You don't love me and it's okay. I understand and I'm totally up for being friends with you anyways. I like being around you. You make me more comfortable being myself and exploring who I want to be and what i really value.

And I want to be there to listen to you when you just want to know if you're making the right choices or if you should go out with someone or if you really love someone. I wanna see you happy and safe, Wildcat. I really do, and I can do that best by being just a friend.

I'm happy for you and S. And I'm hopeful. I want whatever is best for you, hon (platonic!! not lovey dovey! It's a southern thing. Hon, sweetheart, and dear.)

If this man makes you happy...if you feel safe with him when all else seems unsafe...if his arms are the ones you want to run to when you've got no where else to turn...if he's the guy you want to talk to about your day and the first one that comes to mind when something happens (good or bad), I support you. Wholeheartedly.

Yes.

Really.

Go get 'em, Wildcat.

So he's got a kid? He had the courage to keep it. And to raise it. And she seems happy with her dad.

OkCupid's questions made me think about that kind of stuff.

I say, who cares if they have a kid? If they got a divorce? If they are good people...if they make you feel safe and happy and help encourage you to be healthy, why do all those other things matter?

I'm a romantic, Wildcat. But I'm also very easy going about that kind of stuff. If the people are right for each other, then what's it matter what anyone else thinks? Yes, counsel from those you know and trust and who know you can be very helpful, but it's not the gospel truth. You gotta decide some stuff yourself too.

I'm not saying go all out today, or tomorrow, or even in a month for now.

I'm saying, don't close the door on a happy ending to your story just yet, sweetheart.

We all deserve a loving partner.

Maybe S is it. Maybe he isn't.

One thing I learned from Sparrow, and honestly, I've tried to live up to this bit of advice and I'd like to pass it on is...

"It's not always a bad thing to worry. It shows you care about something. But it's bad when you let that worry stop you from doing amazing things. Yes, it's going to take time to get what you want, and yes, it's going to be difficult at times, but would you actually feel like you accomplished something if it was easy?"

Don't let being afraid keep you from the potential of a loving and caring partner, hon.

I mean that.

I may not have been right for you, and as much as that saddens me, it's okay. Because there are still chances for us to find joy, to find happiness, to find the right people for us even if it's not each other.

And if he or another guy really seems genuine and caring...don't close the door on them.

I know you love T, and he loved you. It doesn't have to end with him. The love you shared can continue and live on.

He and I both love you. If he is half the man you've shown him to be, he would want you to be happy, Wildcat. Happy and safe. Live and love. Love fully. Care and fight for those you love.

Let the memory of loving T be proof that you are not unlovable. Let his words remind you that you ARE worthy of being told you're beautiful and that your body is a canvas for the kisses of your loved ones and those who love you, and not a place for more cuts.

You are the most beautiful and amazing woman i have ever met. T was lucky to have met you, have lain with you and loved you and been loved by you.

He was a good man, but he's not the only good man out there. There are billions of people on this planet and not all of them are jackasses and pervs and dicks. Some of us really do want to see you smile.

Sometimes that's all we want in life is to make our loved ones smile and feel safe.

I know i say it a lot, probably too much really...but the best times with you were the times you fell asleep next to me on skype...i could listen to your quiet breathing forever as you slept...it was so satisfying and peaceful to know you felt safe enough to fall asleep there with me...and the times you could get drunk or high around me and just goof off and be yourself...

There is no replacement for you, Wildcat. There is no other you.

Be proud of who you are. You are smart. Brilliant even. Your grades don't define you. Nor does your past or your mistakes.

This is your present. This is your future. Here. Now.

You can do whatever you want with your life. Fuck all of them. They're all bastards and should go burn in Hell.

You....you are precious. You are a treasure and you gotta remember that.

That rant the other night? Where you stood up for yourself?

That made me so proud.

If i ever have a daughter, I want her to have your strength and courage, Wildcat. I mean that. I wouldn't mind naming her in your honor either, to be honest.

Your self-respect in that post is something women need more of. You stood up for yourself and refused to be a booty-call or a "hoe" and made it clear...

You are a goddamn Lady and you deserve to be treated like one.

Not only were you clear that you're not a hoe, but you showed you're not a side hoe either.

You want to be your man's priority. His main girl. His focus.

And you're damn right.

No girl deserves to be anything less than her partner's main focus when it comes to women.

If he's not respecting you and treating you right and proves he's not willing to change or try to improve the relationship for both your sakes and compromise when needed, dump his ass on that curb and walk the hell away.

Yeah, you're a strong, independent woman. Dating a strong girl like you takes finesse and tact.

Maybe that's what i was missing. But whatever it may have been, it takes a special guy to catch more than just your eye...

If you feel something for S...don't ignore it.

Take care of what needs to be done right now. You're young and you have time. But please, please, please, don't give up on yourself, Wildcat. You're too special to live life without being treated as such.

The first rule we're taught as EMT's is... "take care of yourself first".

Want to know why? You cant help anyone if you're so frazzled, stressed, and on edge that you can't focus or calmly deal with everyday stuff.

Make time for yourself, hon. Treat yo self.

You look great. So don't be afraid to have a little beer now and then or an ice cream here or there.

You don't have to be pencil thin to be hot and sexy and drop dead gorgeous. You already are.

Scientifically speaking, pencil thin girls with the super skinny waist? While the come off as attractive, in the long run they relationships don't tend to pan out as well as average or slightly above average build in women.

Reason being? We are biologically more attracted to a balanced physique and nature in a partner.

you are young, strong, smart, and beautiful.

And yes, that is including your scars, sweetheart.

your story has changed my life forever and i will never again look at people the same since i have met you. You really gave me a chance to see the world from another point of you and I can't ever forget that.

Whoever you are with, they are the luckiest person alive.

And I mean that, Kitten.

I really do.

I do wish i could go back and fix things between us before things got all shitty and whatnot, and maybe i'd have had a chance, but as it is, I just want you happy and i'm willing to do all i can to be there for you through it and to see you find and be with someone that really "gets" you and can handle you the way you need and want. I know it won't be easy to work all that out, but I know it's not impossible. I mean, Tyler loved you. I love you, and still do.

Shit happens and fights and arguments don't mean people don't love you or that they suddenly hate you. It may be just a battle between your biological age and your maturity but it'll take time to realize that a lot of us do genuinely care about you.

We want you to succeed and we want you to want to succeed.

Very little in this life would make me happier than you see you graduate, get a nice job, and find a stable and happy relationship. Hell, if you got married some day, i'd be happy to see your wedding and wish you the best life possible, Lani.

That's how much I care.

I want you happy. I don't care if it's not with me.

YOU matter.

And so does your happiness.

It's not easy. It never is.

But it will be damn well worth it in the end, hon.

I promise you that.

Don't give in. And don't give up.

We may not be "in love" but you have all my contact info. Please, please, call me or skype me or whatever you wanna use if you need anything. I know life gets shitty and sometimes we just need someone to vent to or cry with or ask an opinion from or just tell us that it's gonna be okay, and I want to be there for you. Even if it means you don't love me. We all need a friend we can trust. I know some of your secrets and you know I will never tell them to anyone. I know some of your past and why you do some of the things you do. And when you need or want to talk, I will do my best to be available, Lani.

I want to be your friend again and see you through this to the better side of life. And i think we can really help each other that way. I trust you and you are one of only two people who've ever seen me suicidal and crying and an angry mess. Melissa is the only other one.

That speaks to how much i trust you. I get shit happened and we've argued, but it doesn't make me care any less about you.

We all want the same thing. We want peace. We want answers. We want the pain to end and for our voices to be heard.

i want to be a part of that too.

I hope this isn't too much or too forward or anything like that.

I just want you to understand that I care and I want to be a part of a better life, even if it's just as a friend.

I want us both to be happy. And making you happy makes me happy.

I don't want you to take this like I wanna get back together. That would be nice, but I know that's probably never gonna happen and I know that i'm not a part of that equation anymore. I'm not here to be your lover. I'm here to be your friend and try to give you the best damn company you can get outside of being a dedicated lover/partner. I want to be a good friend you can trust.

And I want you to know that.

My blog is here for me to write the things I think and feel. It's not necessarily for you to respond to it or to read too much into it.

I care about you. And I just want you happy. That's the TL: DR  of this post.

Good luck on your maths test. I know you can do great. Just stay calm, breathe, and do your best. Whatever you get on it, I'll be proud of you for showing up and giving it a go, Lani.

And I wish you and Steven the best. He's a good guy. And I'm glad you two met each other. I really hope things work out, whether with him or someone else. I just want you happy and safe and healthy.

It's really all I care about.

I can't believe this has been the reason i'm up at 4am again.

Sigh.

You see? It keeps me up, thinking about it. I don't want to be hated or excluded or get left out by you. You're amazing and I love being around you. You end up on my mind more often than not and time seems to slip away from me as I wonder so many, many things...so many what ifs...

And that's how I'm here. Writing to you at 4:03am.

It's crazy. I know.

But i can't help it.

When you touched me, I changed in a way i can't explain and I know i can't go back to who I was before we met. Your existence has altered my life in ways I will still probably only learn as the years go by.

I only hope you are still alive for me to tell you about them as we trade stories about how we're doing and how our friends/families etc are doing.

I don't want to lose you as my friend.

When I said you were my best friend...I really meant it.

I've never laughed, loved, or cried as much as I have with you.

You are like life. Full of ups, downs, and good times and amazing memories.

I'm scared to post this in that you might take it the wrong way or that i'll just make life more complicated for you and confusing and that you might end up more reluctant to speak to me after seeing how...enthusiastic... i can get about you.

I just don't know either.

I guess...it's complicated.

It'll be a while before we get a chance to talk openly about it all I suppose. you have a lot on your plate right now and i don't want to get in the way.

Anyways, I need to sleep. I'm exhausted.

Good luck, Lani. You're in my prayers.