Five Finger Death Punch

i became very suicidal today. It took three people to eventually sort of calm me down enough to not kill myself outright today.

Unfortunately i did relapse. I clawed up and bit my own arm just to feel the pain. The marks are still quite visible.

I went mad for a few hours, curled under my duvet, laying in bed...I listened to one song for half the time and another for the other half...

My Own Hell & Far From Home...both by 5FDP...

I cried a lot.

My ex told me that i needed to A) imagine looking my kid self in the eyes and asking myself if this is what he'd want to grow up to be  & B) to think of you. Because i mentioned how your breathing was one of the only things that would help me sleep at nights.

I have six months to either fix my life or to end it. I set my date and time, for personal reasons...

I took steps to at least maybe get somewhere...

I entered a photo contest with The Weather Channel...the grand prize is $15,000 dollars...

Who knows what might happen?

I'm considering writing my book again...

You may wonder why i got so upset and suicidal ( i did actually chat with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline as well as with those three friends)...

Firstly, i got an email saying that i'm not doing very well grade-wise in my EMT course.

This really upset me. I dont want to be stuck another winter here with my family. Not at all. I will go permanently insane if I do. Also...EMT was a really big motivator for me...learning made me happy...

Now i may not even pass the class apparently...let alone not being able to get my license to be a practicing EMT...

On top of that, i attended a rather moving Friday prayer lecture thing...

It was about how you have to believe that God will answer your prayers if you are sincere...

I nearly broke down there in that hall...

The speaker talked about how we all had some moment in life where we grew desperate, whether or not we believed in God before then, that we begged, pleaded, and prayed to God for something to happen right then, and how that prayer was answered swiftly...

Lani...those nights I thought you'd killed yourself, I had prayed and cried and pleaded with God to keep you alive...to just hear from you once more...

Each time that happened, you'd be there every morning. Not happy...but alive...

And some nights it was an absolute miracle.

It made me more aware of how much of an ungrateful and faithless prick I am.

God's answered my prayers when He had not reason to. Yet he protected the one thing that mattered most to me. He answered my greatest prayer. Keeping you safe and happy with whomever you're with, even if it wasn't me.

That combined with the EMT stuff AND Izzy being an asshole again today, i just kind of lost it.

I couldn't take it any longer.

I literally beat myself til my arms were bruised and then clawed and bit my right arm til my teeth left a deep impression in my own flesh.

If I can't sort my life out by December 21st of the year, i plan to not see the 22nd.

Simple as that.

I've got some time before then to change my mind. I guess we'll just see.

Also, i wont be gaming on Aion from tomorrow onward.

I'm not interested in accidentally getting on either your or Rob's bad side.

I'd rather just let you two be happy.

Aion's still pretty shit even after that update.

No one runs legit IS anymore. I can't get more than a few people to join and then it falls apart again. It's a joke.

It's not really fun for me anymore.

I'm not sure what i'm gonna do...but i'm trying.

I will email my instructors about trying to fix my EMT grade.

If not...well...i don't know...my parents will not be happy and i'll be stuck with them for two fucking seasons.

Hence why i'd kill myself half way through if i still can sort my life out.

It's not worth  doing this shit over and over again.

I'm like a broken record player stuck on the same track...i just can't break out of this...

I'm happy people I know are happy.

I'm not happy that I can't find my own happiness despite having tried again and again and again.

I just can't break through.

It's like my nightmare that repeated itself many times just as my depression began.

I was trapped outside a giant gate...like castle doors...and i knew what i wanted was just behind them.

But the doors wouldn't open. I eventually grew so frenzied that i would kill myself trying to get in by throwing my broken body at the doors repeatedly until i died trying to get through.

My depression is that door. And my fear is that it's going to kill me to try to reach freedom on the other side.

I've considered leaving home and never coming back. Just taking the shit i have in my apartment and leaving one day without telling anyone...

Who knows?

I'm really lost and confused and no one is really being all that helpful.

And i refuse to burden you with my problems anymore. You've got your own life and even if you weren't busy, it's not your place to listen to my issues. Not anymore at least.

i just don't know anymore.

I don't know.

I'm frightened and alone, and i don't want to do this anymore...

I just wish someone would put me to bed. Talk to me and tell me it'll be okay...that i'm not crazy...that it's okay to be upset...that it's okay to be angry...to be sad...to feel hurt...but that they believe in me and will support and push me to succeed, gently but firmly.

If wishes were fishes, there'd be no room for the sea.

i don't know what i'm writing anymore.

I'm sorry.

I wish i was stronger.

My ex said something...she said when we'd first met, before we ever dated, she said i was her superhero. And that the other younger folks saw me in a similar light. That i had this commanding and comforting presence...I was her hero back then...

What happened to that confident, swashbuckling, quick-witted guy? the one who loved adventures and stories and would never give up on what he loved and believed in...the man who lived to help others tell their own stories...

I was proud of who i was back then.

Today? I feel little more than shame and despair at who I am and whom I've become.

Someone...tell me that man is still in  me somewhere...tell me you still see him there...deep inside...someone tell me that they are proud of me...even if i have a hard time being okay...

cause damn... i need to hear it that.

I need to hear it before i go mad with self-hate and loathing for what i am.

I don't know what to do anymore. It's just a really difficult situation that I'm in and I feel very alone, often.  Like talking is great and all, but without a really strong connection...it's just pleasantries. It's the politeness...it's not real meaningful friendship that you can rely on and trust in to be there for you when you need it.

I need sleep...

I don't know what's going on anymore...

Goodnight all...