Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you keep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why don't you sleep, Wolf?
Why can't you sleep, Wolf?
Is it impending failure that keeps your mind a buzzing like the bees?
Is it the risk of losing it all, again?
How pathetic.
You with all your grand and glorious dreams and hopes...and look at you.
Disgusting.
Your boot treads are less filthy.
And the wort part is that you know I am right.
Isn't that so, Wolf?
Not so mighty anymore, are you?
Lost your girlfriend...your friends... Your grades...your family.
Most of all you've lost your mind.
YouTube videos? Gaming?
Snickers and jolly ranchers?
No wonder you don't function anymore.
You gave up what made you strong, little thing.
You stopped eating. Stopped training. You lost your little spark.
What happened?
Girl break your heart?
You deserved it.
You weren't a man. You're a coward. You're a lowlife that runs from trouble. You don't volunteer.
You don't try.
You are a wretch who cannot save himself , let alone your so called friends.
So what will you do about it?
Waste away your precious nighttime?
Lose sleep over me?
Hmm. It's amusing to make you squirm.
You know you have to tell them you're failing some time.
And when they find out?
Back to the basement for you.
A twenty one year old loser in his parents' house with no job, no woman, no life...and most deliciously... No hope.
You wear that uniform to hide what you really are, you little shit.
You put those boots on to make it look like you've got a spine.
Having that blade and being able to use it are two different things, you worthless piece of dog shit. Your own bitch of a mother called you a disgrace. Your only friend is your ex girlfriend who took pity on you. Your other ex is probably banging that boy, Jordan. Look at you, dog. You bow to the master that hands you a leash. You do as you are told. You behave because it is expected of you.
What would your sister think of you if they knew you fucked a girl younger than her? And your parents? Oh and don't forget that doting grandmother of yours.
They will see you for the lustful, lying, weakling you've always been.
The real reason you bend to everyone else is because you never could fight for yourself. They protect you. Not the other way around.
You didn't save Ellie. She didn't need you. She's gotten on just fine.
And Rachel? She gets more than you ever will...and the kicker? She is happy, you twat faced cum stain.
Look at yourself.
No really. Look.
Do us all a favor and take the next train...to hell.
Do it right. Face it like a man. And let us see you go where you really belong. After all... You should burn for your sins...
So tell me, Wolf...Why. Don't. You. Sleep?
Oh...and Wolf?
Don't be late for class, tomorrow...or should I say, today...
Inspiration
Rise
Monday, July 6, 2015
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Posting cause some nice things happened today.
Firstly, the bus driver is super nice.
Secondly, the lady at the dining hall said I smelled really good.
Thirdly, I'm hanging out with Froggie tomorrow downtown to just chill and catch up.
Not a bad day.
Oh, and Wildcat invited me to her legion with sly.
I suppose that's a fourth positive for the day.
Fifth, I got some good food from the dining hall.
I hope to write more positives tomorrow.
Firstly, the bus driver is super nice.
Secondly, the lady at the dining hall said I smelled really good.
Thirdly, I'm hanging out with Froggie tomorrow downtown to just chill and catch up.
Not a bad day.
Oh, and Wildcat invited me to her legion with sly.
I suppose that's a fourth positive for the day.
Fifth, I got some good food from the dining hall.
I hope to write more positives tomorrow.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
I'm going to put into action what my ex and I talked about today.
I'm making a list of all the things worth living for and things to look forward to.
I'm making a list of all the things worth living for and things to look forward to.
- Finding a partner that doesn't leave me
- True love
- A new family
- Howling cow ice cream by myself
- Howling cow ice cream with friends
- Long walks on the beach
- Long walks in parks just as the sun sets
- Bats chirping
- Seeing my old home again
- Sitting by a creek
- Fishing with my fresh water rod
- Fishing with my salt water rod
- Catching a Spanish mackerel
- Cuddling with my partner in person
- Sex...real, passionate, and in person
- Finding a partner that I trust enough to have sex with
- Playing guitar...learning it and to sing while playing
- To propose with a song played on guitar
- To find a partner I can actually feel comfortable and ready to propose to
- Get married
- Travel the world
- Photograph the world
- Experience new cultures
- Try new foods
- Visit england
- Go back to the everglades
- See Grey wolves in the wild
- See a great horned owl in the wild
- See an eastern diamond back in the wild
- Finish book 1
- Finish book 2
- Finish book 3
- Get published
- Write poetry for her
- Kiss her goodnight
- Fall asleep to the sound of her breathing
- Hold her while I sleep
- Make fun of each other's bed head
- Make her breakfast in bed
- Cook for her
- Kiss in a thunderstorm
- Kiss while it snows
- Make a snow fort and have a snowball fight
- Learn a hobby together
- Buy a house
- Buy a house together
- Maybe have a kid? A daughter?
- Have a cat
- Snakes.
- Lizards
- Learn to handle venomous reptiles
- Win a big photo contest
- Photograph a tornado?
- Go storm chasing at least once
- Get my EMT license
- Get a good job
- Be proud of myself
- Love my friends
- Find friends I can and do truly love
- Make a best friend other than my partner
- Cook a susrpise meal for my family
- Learn to cook as well as my mom does
- Be as hard working as my dad
- Be as good a son as my sisters are daughters
- Be as badass as Lani
- As happy as Rachel
- Finish college with B.S.
- Make a positive impact on the world
- Make a difference in a stranger's life
- Learn to do some wood working/metal working
- Make something for my partner out of wood or metal
- Get a cool ring
- Get her a unique engagement ring
- Have a good wedding
- Be myself
- Find my niche in life
- Not be famous, but be well known for who I am, even if it's only in my community
- Be a good person
- Be honest
- Be able to look my kid self in the eyes and know that he would want to be me when he grows up
- Have a life that I believe is worth all the pain
- Meet someone who makes life worth all the bad times
- Sex in uniform?
- Get fit
- Look good
- Exercise regularly
- Be eligible to apply to police/military/FBI
- Never stop learning
- Never give up
- Never give in
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Five Finger Death Punch
i became very suicidal today. It took three people to eventually sort of calm me down enough to not kill myself outright today.
Unfortunately i did relapse. I clawed up and bit my own arm just to feel the pain. The marks are still quite visible.
I went mad for a few hours, curled under my duvet, laying in bed...I listened to one song for half the time and another for the other half...
My Own Hell & Far From Home...both by 5FDP...
I cried a lot.
My ex told me that i needed to A) imagine looking my kid self in the eyes and asking myself if this is what he'd want to grow up to be & B) to think of you. Because i mentioned how your breathing was one of the only things that would help me sleep at nights.
I have six months to either fix my life or to end it. I set my date and time, for personal reasons...
I took steps to at least maybe get somewhere...
I entered a photo contest with The Weather Channel...the grand prize is $15,000 dollars...
Who knows what might happen?
I'm considering writing my book again...
You may wonder why i got so upset and suicidal ( i did actually chat with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline as well as with those three friends)...
Firstly, i got an email saying that i'm not doing very well grade-wise in my EMT course.
This really upset me. I dont want to be stuck another winter here with my family. Not at all. I will go permanently insane if I do. Also...EMT was a really big motivator for me...learning made me happy...
Now i may not even pass the class apparently...let alone not being able to get my license to be a practicing EMT...
On top of that, i attended a rather moving Friday prayer lecture thing...
It was about how you have to believe that God will answer your prayers if you are sincere...
I nearly broke down there in that hall...
The speaker talked about how we all had some moment in life where we grew desperate, whether or not we believed in God before then, that we begged, pleaded, and prayed to God for something to happen right then, and how that prayer was answered swiftly...
Lani...those nights I thought you'd killed yourself, I had prayed and cried and pleaded with God to keep you alive...to just hear from you once more...
Each time that happened, you'd be there every morning. Not happy...but alive...
And some nights it was an absolute miracle.
It made me more aware of how much of an ungrateful and faithless prick I am.
God's answered my prayers when He had not reason to. Yet he protected the one thing that mattered most to me. He answered my greatest prayer. Keeping you safe and happy with whomever you're with, even if it wasn't me.
That combined with the EMT stuff AND Izzy being an asshole again today, i just kind of lost it.
I couldn't take it any longer.
I literally beat myself til my arms were bruised and then clawed and bit my right arm til my teeth left a deep impression in my own flesh.
If I can't sort my life out by December 21st of the year, i plan to not see the 22nd.
Simple as that.
I've got some time before then to change my mind. I guess we'll just see.
Also, i wont be gaming on Aion from tomorrow onward.
I'm not interested in accidentally getting on either your or Rob's bad side.
I'd rather just let you two be happy.
Aion's still pretty shit even after that update.
No one runs legit IS anymore. I can't get more than a few people to join and then it falls apart again. It's a joke.
It's not really fun for me anymore.
I'm not sure what i'm gonna do...but i'm trying.
I will email my instructors about trying to fix my EMT grade.
If not...well...i don't know...my parents will not be happy and i'll be stuck with them for two fucking seasons.
Hence why i'd kill myself half way through if i still can sort my life out.
It's not worth doing this shit over and over again.
I'm like a broken record player stuck on the same track...i just can't break out of this...
I'm happy people I know are happy.
I'm not happy that I can't find my own happiness despite having tried again and again and again.
I just can't break through.
It's like my nightmare that repeated itself many times just as my depression began.
I was trapped outside a giant gate...like castle doors...and i knew what i wanted was just behind them.
But the doors wouldn't open. I eventually grew so frenzied that i would kill myself trying to get in by throwing my broken body at the doors repeatedly until i died trying to get through.
My depression is that door. And my fear is that it's going to kill me to try to reach freedom on the other side.
I've considered leaving home and never coming back. Just taking the shit i have in my apartment and leaving one day without telling anyone...
Who knows?
I'm really lost and confused and no one is really being all that helpful.
And i refuse to burden you with my problems anymore. You've got your own life and even if you weren't busy, it's not your place to listen to my issues. Not anymore at least.
i just don't know anymore.
I don't know.
I'm frightened and alone, and i don't want to do this anymore...
I just wish someone would put me to bed. Talk to me and tell me it'll be okay...that i'm not crazy...that it's okay to be upset...that it's okay to be angry...to be sad...to feel hurt...but that they believe in me and will support and push me to succeed, gently but firmly.
If wishes were fishes, there'd be no room for the sea.
i don't know what i'm writing anymore.
I'm sorry.
I wish i was stronger.
My ex said something...she said when we'd first met, before we ever dated, she said i was her superhero. And that the other younger folks saw me in a similar light. That i had this commanding and comforting presence...I was her hero back then...
What happened to that confident, swashbuckling, quick-witted guy? the one who loved adventures and stories and would never give up on what he loved and believed in...the man who lived to help others tell their own stories...
I was proud of who i was back then.
Today? I feel little more than shame and despair at who I am and whom I've become.
Someone...tell me that man is still in me somewhere...tell me you still see him there...deep inside...someone tell me that they are proud of me...even if i have a hard time being okay...
cause damn... i need to hear it that.
I need to hear it before i go mad with self-hate and loathing for what i am.
I don't know what to do anymore. It's just a really difficult situation that I'm in and I feel very alone, often. Like talking is great and all, but without a really strong connection...it's just pleasantries. It's the politeness...it's not real meaningful friendship that you can rely on and trust in to be there for you when you need it.
I need sleep...
I don't know what's going on anymore...
Goodnight all...
Unfortunately i did relapse. I clawed up and bit my own arm just to feel the pain. The marks are still quite visible.
I went mad for a few hours, curled under my duvet, laying in bed...I listened to one song for half the time and another for the other half...
My Own Hell & Far From Home...both by 5FDP...
I cried a lot.
My ex told me that i needed to A) imagine looking my kid self in the eyes and asking myself if this is what he'd want to grow up to be & B) to think of you. Because i mentioned how your breathing was one of the only things that would help me sleep at nights.
I have six months to either fix my life or to end it. I set my date and time, for personal reasons...
I took steps to at least maybe get somewhere...
I entered a photo contest with The Weather Channel...the grand prize is $15,000 dollars...
Who knows what might happen?
I'm considering writing my book again...
You may wonder why i got so upset and suicidal ( i did actually chat with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline as well as with those three friends)...
Firstly, i got an email saying that i'm not doing very well grade-wise in my EMT course.
This really upset me. I dont want to be stuck another winter here with my family. Not at all. I will go permanently insane if I do. Also...EMT was a really big motivator for me...learning made me happy...
Now i may not even pass the class apparently...let alone not being able to get my license to be a practicing EMT...
On top of that, i attended a rather moving Friday prayer lecture thing...
It was about how you have to believe that God will answer your prayers if you are sincere...
I nearly broke down there in that hall...
The speaker talked about how we all had some moment in life where we grew desperate, whether or not we believed in God before then, that we begged, pleaded, and prayed to God for something to happen right then, and how that prayer was answered swiftly...
Lani...those nights I thought you'd killed yourself, I had prayed and cried and pleaded with God to keep you alive...to just hear from you once more...
Each time that happened, you'd be there every morning. Not happy...but alive...
And some nights it was an absolute miracle.
It made me more aware of how much of an ungrateful and faithless prick I am.
God's answered my prayers when He had not reason to. Yet he protected the one thing that mattered most to me. He answered my greatest prayer. Keeping you safe and happy with whomever you're with, even if it wasn't me.
That combined with the EMT stuff AND Izzy being an asshole again today, i just kind of lost it.
I couldn't take it any longer.
I literally beat myself til my arms were bruised and then clawed and bit my right arm til my teeth left a deep impression in my own flesh.
If I can't sort my life out by December 21st of the year, i plan to not see the 22nd.
Simple as that.
I've got some time before then to change my mind. I guess we'll just see.
Also, i wont be gaming on Aion from tomorrow onward.
I'm not interested in accidentally getting on either your or Rob's bad side.
I'd rather just let you two be happy.
Aion's still pretty shit even after that update.
No one runs legit IS anymore. I can't get more than a few people to join and then it falls apart again. It's a joke.
It's not really fun for me anymore.
I'm not sure what i'm gonna do...but i'm trying.
I will email my instructors about trying to fix my EMT grade.
If not...well...i don't know...my parents will not be happy and i'll be stuck with them for two fucking seasons.
Hence why i'd kill myself half way through if i still can sort my life out.
It's not worth doing this shit over and over again.
I'm like a broken record player stuck on the same track...i just can't break out of this...
I'm happy people I know are happy.
I'm not happy that I can't find my own happiness despite having tried again and again and again.
I just can't break through.
It's like my nightmare that repeated itself many times just as my depression began.
I was trapped outside a giant gate...like castle doors...and i knew what i wanted was just behind them.
But the doors wouldn't open. I eventually grew so frenzied that i would kill myself trying to get in by throwing my broken body at the doors repeatedly until i died trying to get through.
My depression is that door. And my fear is that it's going to kill me to try to reach freedom on the other side.
I've considered leaving home and never coming back. Just taking the shit i have in my apartment and leaving one day without telling anyone...
Who knows?
I'm really lost and confused and no one is really being all that helpful.
And i refuse to burden you with my problems anymore. You've got your own life and even if you weren't busy, it's not your place to listen to my issues. Not anymore at least.
i just don't know anymore.
I don't know.
I'm frightened and alone, and i don't want to do this anymore...
I just wish someone would put me to bed. Talk to me and tell me it'll be okay...that i'm not crazy...that it's okay to be upset...that it's okay to be angry...to be sad...to feel hurt...but that they believe in me and will support and push me to succeed, gently but firmly.
If wishes were fishes, there'd be no room for the sea.
i don't know what i'm writing anymore.
I'm sorry.
I wish i was stronger.
My ex said something...she said when we'd first met, before we ever dated, she said i was her superhero. And that the other younger folks saw me in a similar light. That i had this commanding and comforting presence...I was her hero back then...
What happened to that confident, swashbuckling, quick-witted guy? the one who loved adventures and stories and would never give up on what he loved and believed in...the man who lived to help others tell their own stories...
I was proud of who i was back then.
Today? I feel little more than shame and despair at who I am and whom I've become.
Someone...tell me that man is still in me somewhere...tell me you still see him there...deep inside...someone tell me that they are proud of me...even if i have a hard time being okay...
cause damn... i need to hear it that.
I need to hear it before i go mad with self-hate and loathing for what i am.
I don't know what to do anymore. It's just a really difficult situation that I'm in and I feel very alone, often. Like talking is great and all, but without a really strong connection...it's just pleasantries. It's the politeness...it's not real meaningful friendship that you can rely on and trust in to be there for you when you need it.
I need sleep...
I don't know what's going on anymore...
Goodnight all...
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
I don't know what to think some nights. I had a midnight snack. Watched some Criminal Minds. I don't really talk much with my family.
Is that bad? Is it wrong?
I don't want to think on the things that happened between us all.
I wear my uniform religiously because it reminds me to stick to the straight and narrow... To be a better man. To be a public servant and rescuer.
Always ready.
It gives me a life to lead. A part to play. Something other than my old life to think about. I want to start again, but without the weight of my past...without the quiet judgment of my family and former friends.
In my uniform I can be someone better than myself.
And so I where it ever goddamn day.
One day I'll be a man I can respect. Until then, my uniform helps to keep me a little more sane than usual...
This song goes out to all the two faced, scheming, lying bastards, and crazy ass cowards who make it their job to find all the ways they can make me hurt. Fuck you all. That means you Rachel, Jake Isaacson, Paul Busch, orion, Aidan, Ash, Ashley, and others...
\m/ (^.^) \m/
This one's just for fun cause I really like and relate to it.
Gnight all, and thanks, as always, for reading.
Is that bad? Is it wrong?
I don't want to think on the things that happened between us all.
I wear my uniform religiously because it reminds me to stick to the straight and narrow... To be a better man. To be a public servant and rescuer.
Always ready.
It gives me a life to lead. A part to play. Something other than my old life to think about. I want to start again, but without the weight of my past...without the quiet judgment of my family and former friends.
In my uniform I can be someone better than myself.
And so I where it ever goddamn day.
One day I'll be a man I can respect. Until then, my uniform helps to keep me a little more sane than usual...
\m/ (^.^) \m/
Gnight all, and thanks, as always, for reading.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Well, that was a shock.
She still reads my blog. And funny enough it says no one has even viewed my blog in ages...
Oh well.
I had assumed my secret plan was safe here.
I made her a new email...account, and toon. It was a baby songweaver. I made her look like EatYourSoul. I used the same PIN and setup the same note and put all the skills as close to where you had them...
I gave her 15 million kinah and power leveled her to 32 in two days...
I was gonna give it to Rob and have him surprise you. I did not think it appropriate to come from me. I was going to have him say he did it all and have you two level it together to bring you two closer...
I don't know what to do with it now.
In other news I still don't know what to think about the fact that my first ex contacted me.
It makes me really confused and anxious.
And my dad broke my $140 pair of sunglasses accidentally and I have clinical shifts as soon as I get back...
Sigh.
The struggle is real. I don't think I'll be able to convince anyone to replace them for me cause I kind of spent nearly all my money on her. They think it was for gaming. It was just to make her happy.
I'm working on trying to get a custom Oakely Flak Jacket...its what the Oakley representative suggested for EMTs and teachers etc.
It's some good shit.
I miss you but I'd never say it around you or Rob. Apparently he'd "ruin me" by beating me with a pipe.
Fun.
I don't really appreciate that kind of talk. Rachel's boyfriend Jacob Isaacson talked like that. It bothers me. A lot.
But whatever.
I'm tired. The most the of Fasting, Ramadan, started. No food or drink from sun up to sun down. And I'm trying to take this time to curb my habit of swearing and to be more responsible these days.
I guess I can't get you out of my head.
Doomed to be haunted by my mistakes and losing the person that matters most to me.
Sigh.
James m. sama says in his blog that this leads good men to be jaded, cynical, and skeptical of everyone they meet. Its logical. Its not fair. But it happens.
He says it's our struggle to overcome these feelings and to be open to new people.in our lives. I guess this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
It's been weeks if not months and I don't think you will stop floating through my head.
I haven't slept properly in weeks...
I don't sleep until 3am every morning because I'm afraid of what I dream and what I think.
On another note. I think I'll get the Oakley Flak Jacket 2.0 with matte black frame and black mirrored polarized lenses. Perfect for on or off duty.
I wish I was able to work out right now to burn some steam. I really can't stand hanging around my family for too long. Especially my mom and youngest sister.
I need a friend, lol.
I just want to fucking rant and be heard and respected and not told I'm a whiny botch or to man up all the time. I'm only human. I get mad and sad and frustrated too and its hard to deal with it on my own all the time.
Allison's nice and all but she's not best friend material..not mature enough yet.
Sigh.
I dunno. My head hurts and I'm primed to go off at some point today it seems.
Someone talk to me.
Other than my fucking ex, Rachel.
She fucking admitted she was responsible for what happened to me. She is goddamn right. Fucking crazy woman. You don't toy with someone like that.
And you don't fucking send a hitman to harass your ex over it either.
Fuck her.
I want to go yell at her but I'm not going to...
I don't wanna see her fucking name on my phone ever again.
Great. Now I'm more angry.
I'm hoping this day turns around sooner or later.
She still reads my blog. And funny enough it says no one has even viewed my blog in ages...
Oh well.
I had assumed my secret plan was safe here.
I made her a new email...account, and toon. It was a baby songweaver. I made her look like EatYourSoul. I used the same PIN and setup the same note and put all the skills as close to where you had them...
I gave her 15 million kinah and power leveled her to 32 in two days...
I was gonna give it to Rob and have him surprise you. I did not think it appropriate to come from me. I was going to have him say he did it all and have you two level it together to bring you two closer...
I don't know what to do with it now.
In other news I still don't know what to think about the fact that my first ex contacted me.
It makes me really confused and anxious.
And my dad broke my $140 pair of sunglasses accidentally and I have clinical shifts as soon as I get back...
Sigh.
The struggle is real. I don't think I'll be able to convince anyone to replace them for me cause I kind of spent nearly all my money on her. They think it was for gaming. It was just to make her happy.
I'm working on trying to get a custom Oakely Flak Jacket...its what the Oakley representative suggested for EMTs and teachers etc.
It's some good shit.
I miss you but I'd never say it around you or Rob. Apparently he'd "ruin me" by beating me with a pipe.
Fun.
I don't really appreciate that kind of talk. Rachel's boyfriend Jacob Isaacson talked like that. It bothers me. A lot.
But whatever.
I'm tired. The most the of Fasting, Ramadan, started. No food or drink from sun up to sun down. And I'm trying to take this time to curb my habit of swearing and to be more responsible these days.
I guess I can't get you out of my head.
Doomed to be haunted by my mistakes and losing the person that matters most to me.
Sigh.
James m. sama says in his blog that this leads good men to be jaded, cynical, and skeptical of everyone they meet. Its logical. Its not fair. But it happens.
He says it's our struggle to overcome these feelings and to be open to new people.in our lives. I guess this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
It's been weeks if not months and I don't think you will stop floating through my head.
I haven't slept properly in weeks...
I don't sleep until 3am every morning because I'm afraid of what I dream and what I think.
On another note. I think I'll get the Oakley Flak Jacket 2.0 with matte black frame and black mirrored polarized lenses. Perfect for on or off duty.
I wish I was able to work out right now to burn some steam. I really can't stand hanging around my family for too long. Especially my mom and youngest sister.
I need a friend, lol.
I just want to fucking rant and be heard and respected and not told I'm a whiny botch or to man up all the time. I'm only human. I get mad and sad and frustrated too and its hard to deal with it on my own all the time.
Allison's nice and all but she's not best friend material..not mature enough yet.
Sigh.
I dunno. My head hurts and I'm primed to go off at some point today it seems.
Someone talk to me.
Other than my fucking ex, Rachel.
She fucking admitted she was responsible for what happened to me. She is goddamn right. Fucking crazy woman. You don't toy with someone like that.
And you don't fucking send a hitman to harass your ex over it either.
Fuck her.
I want to go yell at her but I'm not going to...
I don't wanna see her fucking name on my phone ever again.
Great. Now I'm more angry.
I'm hoping this day turns around sooner or later.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Livin' the life.
I'm happy today.
I went out, had dinner with friends...I had a good fuckin' time.
I don't need a lover in my life to be happy.
My friends ARE my family. They love me and I love them.
We'll take care of each other.
I wore my 5.11 TDU pants out downtown today and damn! This shit is nice! It breathes better than jeans, has 11 pockets, is badass black, AND stain/spill resistant with reinforced seams so it resists rips and tears. Love it.
AND... I GOT MY DUTY BOOTS TODAY. HELL YEAH.
This shit is intimidating as fuck.
I don't mind being single.
I like being an adventurer. I like having stories to tell. I like being me...maybe not all the time, but definitely some of the time.
I like working out and wearing all black (boots,pants, belt, and shirt) and looking good.
It feels good to be in uniform. I have a purpose. I place. And I've got my framily to protect (friends/family).
I've started watching How I Met Your Mother again...i never finished the series...I decided college is a good time to do so.
If there's one thing I've learned is that for all the time that Ted waited for "the one"...the wait was worth it...and he had a damn good time getting there.
Why the hell should I live any different?
Why am I so damn afraid of fucking up?
When did I get so cowardly that I couldn't man the fuck up and say no.
I'm a more than just a guy or a man...I'm a gentleman.
Being a gentleman is being the new bad ass.
And that's exactly what I am.
Someday...I'll meet a woman who wants a kind of life that I do. Love, affection, trust...adventure, family, and compassion...
Someday I'll meet the woman that makes me realize why it never worked out with anyone else.
And I know she's out there.
And I'll be glad to meet her...because rather than their being nothing left of me to love at that point...I want to be chock full of stories, experiences, and new skills that I can't wait to share, show, and teach her...not to mention learning from her too!
I want to be a destination...not just the vehicle to it.
And for every girl i've met or tried to get close to...I was never the destination.
I got people where they needed to go. And that's okay. Because I like to be helpful. I like to see people succeed. And if I can be a part of someone else's success, then I'd be honored.
Cause one day...I'll be the succeeding too.
And I know I will.
I'm me.
I've been through shit only I know of. Despite telling some close people some of my darkest secrets.
I deserve a woman who makes me happy...and whom I can make equally happy in return.
She's out there. And I want to wish her, whomever she is, a goodnight, and a helluva lot of adventures, cause dayum, i know her stories will be just as good as I want mine to be.
Cause that's how we'll meet.
Something we didn't expect...that turns into something we never want to forget.
Isn't that how all the best adventures start?
^
Fuck. That's my new proposal line...
Bitch please. That beats my old one XD
Why do i get my best ideas in the wee hours of the morning???
Ah well. I'm gonna get out of these duty boots and pants and get some shut eye.
I'm not quite at peace yet, but I know it's out there...and i'll find it some day.
Night night bitches lol....i'm sorry. This is how you know i should not be allowed on the internet at this time of night...
But seriously...to anyone who may actually read this or any part of my blog...thank you for still reading. I know i can be really shitty sometimes, and depression is never an excuse to be a dick to anyone, it's just an explanation why, but thank you for being here and sticking through this long ass post, or even reading all my posts. I have almost a thousand now.
Most of them are about Wildcat.
You can tell I loved her. And you know, a part of me always will. She's a good person. She just isn't the person I'm meant to be with right now. She's got other people in her life. People that make her smile and forget the pain for a while, and those are the kinds of people we all need.
I'm proud of her and her courage. I'm honestly jealous of her for several traits. She's the kind of woman you meet and can tell that she truly is one of a kind.
I wish I had her courage, her bluntness (at times and I don't mean a joint XD ), and her child-like curiosity and playfulness. She's the badass I wish I could be. And that's the best complement I could ever give, cause for all her flaws, no one can deny that she is probably one of the coolest people you could ever meet.
She's been one of the best friends I've had. And I don't regret it at all.
It's time for me to go to bed. But i'm going to tell her that before i go to sleep. you never know when it's your last chance to say something to someone you care about.
Goodnight all.
I'm happy today.
I went out, had dinner with friends...I had a good fuckin' time.
I don't need a lover in my life to be happy.
My friends ARE my family. They love me and I love them.
We'll take care of each other.
I wore my 5.11 TDU pants out downtown today and damn! This shit is nice! It breathes better than jeans, has 11 pockets, is badass black, AND stain/spill resistant with reinforced seams so it resists rips and tears. Love it.
AND... I GOT MY DUTY BOOTS TODAY. HELL YEAH.
This shit is intimidating as fuck.
I don't mind being single.
I like being an adventurer. I like having stories to tell. I like being me...maybe not all the time, but definitely some of the time.
I like working out and wearing all black (boots,pants, belt, and shirt) and looking good.
It feels good to be in uniform. I have a purpose. I place. And I've got my framily to protect (friends/family).
I've started watching How I Met Your Mother again...i never finished the series...I decided college is a good time to do so.
If there's one thing I've learned is that for all the time that Ted waited for "the one"...the wait was worth it...and he had a damn good time getting there.
Why the hell should I live any different?
Why am I so damn afraid of fucking up?
When did I get so cowardly that I couldn't man the fuck up and say no.
I'm a more than just a guy or a man...I'm a gentleman.
Being a gentleman is being the new bad ass.
And that's exactly what I am.
Someday...I'll meet a woman who wants a kind of life that I do. Love, affection, trust...adventure, family, and compassion...
Someday I'll meet the woman that makes me realize why it never worked out with anyone else.
And I know she's out there.
And I'll be glad to meet her...because rather than their being nothing left of me to love at that point...I want to be chock full of stories, experiences, and new skills that I can't wait to share, show, and teach her...not to mention learning from her too!
I want to be a destination...not just the vehicle to it.
And for every girl i've met or tried to get close to...I was never the destination.
I got people where they needed to go. And that's okay. Because I like to be helpful. I like to see people succeed. And if I can be a part of someone else's success, then I'd be honored.
Cause one day...I'll be the succeeding too.
And I know I will.
I'm me.
I've been through shit only I know of. Despite telling some close people some of my darkest secrets.
I deserve a woman who makes me happy...and whom I can make equally happy in return.
She's out there. And I want to wish her, whomever she is, a goodnight, and a helluva lot of adventures, cause dayum, i know her stories will be just as good as I want mine to be.
Cause that's how we'll meet.
Something we didn't expect...that turns into something we never want to forget.
Isn't that how all the best adventures start?
^
Fuck. That's my new proposal line...
Bitch please. That beats my old one XD
Why do i get my best ideas in the wee hours of the morning???
Ah well. I'm gonna get out of these duty boots and pants and get some shut eye.
I'm not quite at peace yet, but I know it's out there...and i'll find it some day.
Night night bitches lol....i'm sorry. This is how you know i should not be allowed on the internet at this time of night...
But seriously...to anyone who may actually read this or any part of my blog...thank you for still reading. I know i can be really shitty sometimes, and depression is never an excuse to be a dick to anyone, it's just an explanation why, but thank you for being here and sticking through this long ass post, or even reading all my posts. I have almost a thousand now.
Most of them are about Wildcat.
You can tell I loved her. And you know, a part of me always will. She's a good person. She just isn't the person I'm meant to be with right now. She's got other people in her life. People that make her smile and forget the pain for a while, and those are the kinds of people we all need.
I'm proud of her and her courage. I'm honestly jealous of her for several traits. She's the kind of woman you meet and can tell that she truly is one of a kind.
I wish I had her courage, her bluntness (at times and I don't mean a joint XD ), and her child-like curiosity and playfulness. She's the badass I wish I could be. And that's the best complement I could ever give, cause for all her flaws, no one can deny that she is probably one of the coolest people you could ever meet.
She's been one of the best friends I've had. And I don't regret it at all.
It's time for me to go to bed. But i'm going to tell her that before i go to sleep. you never know when it's your last chance to say something to someone you care about.
Goodnight all.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
basically i just hate myself and feel unlovable and unliked by everyone thanks to all this shit.
Everyone left me.
I can't game anymore cause you make it so clear how much you hate me and how annoying you think I am, not to mention the fact that no one will take me on any fucking runs anymore, and i can't do IO with raxius anymore and basically I hate aion.
It's a shit game and I'm not going back.
And i'm not tanking anything for you either.
I've done enough to try to help you.
Steven will take care you now.
I literally could not hate myself any more than I do.
I disgust myself. I've been ripping my hair out all day in clumps until my head hearts and clawing myself til my arms burn.
Being nice never got me anywhere in life.
I might as well play chicken with the freight-train that runs so frequently behind the apartments.
You wouldn't give two shits. You got all you wanted.
Fuck i just hate myself.
Go be happy.
I'm not crawling back to you again.
Not if you're gonna fuck me over again and take everything i have and then have others call you princess.
Fuck it.
I'd rather kill myself.
I hate myself so much when the sun goes down cause that's when im truly alone and know that there really isn't anyone out here for me.
I hate myself. I feel dirty...no matter how much i shower or scrub my skin i don't feel clean.
My ocd about my hair is getting bad...i hate broken hairs on my head and will rip them out in clumps.
my room's a mess. I'm a mess.
I hate it.
I hate what people have done to me.
I'm just trying to be somebody.
Everyone left me.
I can't game anymore cause you make it so clear how much you hate me and how annoying you think I am, not to mention the fact that no one will take me on any fucking runs anymore, and i can't do IO with raxius anymore and basically I hate aion.
It's a shit game and I'm not going back.
And i'm not tanking anything for you either.
I've done enough to try to help you.
Steven will take care you now.
I literally could not hate myself any more than I do.
I disgust myself. I've been ripping my hair out all day in clumps until my head hearts and clawing myself til my arms burn.
Being nice never got me anywhere in life.
I might as well play chicken with the freight-train that runs so frequently behind the apartments.
You wouldn't give two shits. You got all you wanted.
Fuck i just hate myself.
Go be happy.
I'm not crawling back to you again.
Not if you're gonna fuck me over again and take everything i have and then have others call you princess.
Fuck it.
I'd rather kill myself.
I hate myself so much when the sun goes down cause that's when im truly alone and know that there really isn't anyone out here for me.
I hate myself. I feel dirty...no matter how much i shower or scrub my skin i don't feel clean.
My ocd about my hair is getting bad...i hate broken hairs on my head and will rip them out in clumps.
my room's a mess. I'm a mess.
I hate it.
I hate what people have done to me.
I'm just trying to be somebody.
Monday, June 8, 2015
I feel weird but my profile on here is so different than what it would have been if I made it just a few years ago...it's so open about sex and love and apparently i'm more old-fashioned than most guys my age!
It's funny. I see how much being around you changed me...and I like who I am now compared to who I was then.
It's kinda funny. It's just interesting seeing myself on a stupid site like this and yet I wonder if it would ever work and actually match me with someone who's actually interested in me. (OkCupid)
Yes, I know. You don't love me and it's okay. I understand and I'm totally up for being friends with you anyways. I like being around you. You make me more comfortable being myself and exploring who I want to be and what i really value.
And I want to be there to listen to you when you just want to know if you're making the right choices or if you should go out with someone or if you really love someone. I wanna see you happy and safe, Wildcat. I really do, and I can do that best by being just a friend.
I'm happy for you and S. And I'm hopeful. I want whatever is best for you, hon (platonic!! not lovey dovey! It's a southern thing. Hon, sweetheart, and dear.)
If this man makes you happy...if you feel safe with him when all else seems unsafe...if his arms are the ones you want to run to when you've got no where else to turn...if he's the guy you want to talk to about your day and the first one that comes to mind when something happens (good or bad), I support you. Wholeheartedly.
Yes.
Really.
Go get 'em, Wildcat.
So he's got a kid? He had the courage to keep it. And to raise it. And she seems happy with her dad.
OkCupid's questions made me think about that kind of stuff.
I say, who cares if they have a kid? If they got a divorce? If they are good people...if they make you feel safe and happy and help encourage you to be healthy, why do all those other things matter?
I'm a romantic, Wildcat. But I'm also very easy going about that kind of stuff. If the people are right for each other, then what's it matter what anyone else thinks? Yes, counsel from those you know and trust and who know you can be very helpful, but it's not the gospel truth. You gotta decide some stuff yourself too.
I'm not saying go all out today, or tomorrow, or even in a month for now.
I'm saying, don't close the door on a happy ending to your story just yet, sweetheart.
We all deserve a loving partner.
Maybe S is it. Maybe he isn't.
One thing I learned from Sparrow, and honestly, I've tried to live up to this bit of advice and I'd like to pass it on is...
"It's not always a bad thing to worry. It shows you care about something. But it's bad when you let that worry stop you from doing amazing things. Yes, it's going to take time to get what you want, and yes, it's going to be difficult at times, but would you actually feel like you accomplished something if it was easy?"
Don't let being afraid keep you from the potential of a loving and caring partner, hon.
I mean that.
I may not have been right for you, and as much as that saddens me, it's okay. Because there are still chances for us to find joy, to find happiness, to find the right people for us even if it's not each other.
And if he or another guy really seems genuine and caring...don't close the door on them.
I know you love T, and he loved you. It doesn't have to end with him. The love you shared can continue and live on.
He and I both love you. If he is half the man you've shown him to be, he would want you to be happy, Wildcat. Happy and safe. Live and love. Love fully. Care and fight for those you love.
Let the memory of loving T be proof that you are not unlovable. Let his words remind you that you ARE worthy of being told you're beautiful and that your body is a canvas for the kisses of your loved ones and those who love you, and not a place for more cuts.
You are the most beautiful and amazing woman i have ever met. T was lucky to have met you, have lain with you and loved you and been loved by you.
He was a good man, but he's not the only good man out there. There are billions of people on this planet and not all of them are jackasses and pervs and dicks. Some of us really do want to see you smile.
Sometimes that's all we want in life is to make our loved ones smile and feel safe.
I know i say it a lot, probably too much really...but the best times with you were the times you fell asleep next to me on skype...i could listen to your quiet breathing forever as you slept...it was so satisfying and peaceful to know you felt safe enough to fall asleep there with me...and the times you could get drunk or high around me and just goof off and be yourself...
There is no replacement for you, Wildcat. There is no other you.
Be proud of who you are. You are smart. Brilliant even. Your grades don't define you. Nor does your past or your mistakes.
This is your present. This is your future. Here. Now.
You can do whatever you want with your life. Fuck all of them. They're all bastards and should go burn in Hell.
You....you are precious. You are a treasure and you gotta remember that.
That rant the other night? Where you stood up for yourself?
That made me so proud.
If i ever have a daughter, I want her to have your strength and courage, Wildcat. I mean that. I wouldn't mind naming her in your honor either, to be honest.
Your self-respect in that post is something women need more of. You stood up for yourself and refused to be a booty-call or a "hoe" and made it clear...
You are a goddamn Lady and you deserve to be treated like one.
Not only were you clear that you're not a hoe, but you showed you're not a side hoe either.
You want to be your man's priority. His main girl. His focus.
And you're damn right.
No girl deserves to be anything less than her partner's main focus when it comes to women.
If he's not respecting you and treating you right and proves he's not willing to change or try to improve the relationship for both your sakes and compromise when needed, dump his ass on that curb and walk the hell away.
Yeah, you're a strong, independent woman. Dating a strong girl like you takes finesse and tact.
Maybe that's what i was missing. But whatever it may have been, it takes a special guy to catch more than just your eye...
If you feel something for S...don't ignore it.
Take care of what needs to be done right now. You're young and you have time. But please, please, please, don't give up on yourself, Wildcat. You're too special to live life without being treated as such.
The first rule we're taught as EMT's is... "take care of yourself first".
Want to know why? You cant help anyone if you're so frazzled, stressed, and on edge that you can't focus or calmly deal with everyday stuff.
Make time for yourself, hon. Treat yo self.
You look great. So don't be afraid to have a little beer now and then or an ice cream here or there.
You don't have to be pencil thin to be hot and sexy and drop dead gorgeous. You already are.
Scientifically speaking, pencil thin girls with the super skinny waist? While the come off as attractive, in the long run they relationships don't tend to pan out as well as average or slightly above average build in women.
Reason being? We are biologically more attracted to a balanced physique and nature in a partner.
you are young, strong, smart, and beautiful.
And yes, that is including your scars, sweetheart.
your story has changed my life forever and i will never again look at people the same since i have met you. You really gave me a chance to see the world from another point of you and I can't ever forget that.
Whoever you are with, they are the luckiest person alive.
And I mean that, Kitten.
I really do.
I do wish i could go back and fix things between us before things got all shitty and whatnot, and maybe i'd have had a chance, but as it is, I just want you happy and i'm willing to do all i can to be there for you through it and to see you find and be with someone that really "gets" you and can handle you the way you need and want. I know it won't be easy to work all that out, but I know it's not impossible. I mean, Tyler loved you. I love you, and still do.
Shit happens and fights and arguments don't mean people don't love you or that they suddenly hate you. It may be just a battle between your biological age and your maturity but it'll take time to realize that a lot of us do genuinely care about you.
We want you to succeed and we want you to want to succeed.
Very little in this life would make me happier than you see you graduate, get a nice job, and find a stable and happy relationship. Hell, if you got married some day, i'd be happy to see your wedding and wish you the best life possible, Lani.
That's how much I care.
I want you happy. I don't care if it's not with me.
YOU matter.
And so does your happiness.
It's not easy. It never is.
But it will be damn well worth it in the end, hon.
I promise you that.
Don't give in. And don't give up.
We may not be "in love" but you have all my contact info. Please, please, call me or skype me or whatever you wanna use if you need anything. I know life gets shitty and sometimes we just need someone to vent to or cry with or ask an opinion from or just tell us that it's gonna be okay, and I want to be there for you. Even if it means you don't love me. We all need a friend we can trust. I know some of your secrets and you know I will never tell them to anyone. I know some of your past and why you do some of the things you do. And when you need or want to talk, I will do my best to be available, Lani.
I want to be your friend again and see you through this to the better side of life. And i think we can really help each other that way. I trust you and you are one of only two people who've ever seen me suicidal and crying and an angry mess. Melissa is the only other one.
That speaks to how much i trust you. I get shit happened and we've argued, but it doesn't make me care any less about you.
We all want the same thing. We want peace. We want answers. We want the pain to end and for our voices to be heard.
i want to be a part of that too.
I hope this isn't too much or too forward or anything like that.
I just want you to understand that I care and I want to be a part of a better life, even if it's just as a friend.
I want us both to be happy. And making you happy makes me happy.
I don't want you to take this like I wanna get back together. That would be nice, but I know that's probably never gonna happen and I know that i'm not a part of that equation anymore. I'm not here to be your lover. I'm here to be your friend and try to give you the best damn company you can get outside of being a dedicated lover/partner. I want to be a good friend you can trust.
And I want you to know that.
My blog is here for me to write the things I think and feel. It's not necessarily for you to respond to it or to read too much into it.
I care about you. And I just want you happy. That's the TL: DR of this post.
Good luck on your maths test. I know you can do great. Just stay calm, breathe, and do your best. Whatever you get on it, I'll be proud of you for showing up and giving it a go, Lani.
And I wish you and Steven the best. He's a good guy. And I'm glad you two met each other. I really hope things work out, whether with him or someone else. I just want you happy and safe and healthy.
It's really all I care about.
I can't believe this has been the reason i'm up at 4am again.
Sigh.
You see? It keeps me up, thinking about it. I don't want to be hated or excluded or get left out by you. You're amazing and I love being around you. You end up on my mind more often than not and time seems to slip away from me as I wonder so many, many things...so many what ifs...
And that's how I'm here. Writing to you at 4:03am.
It's crazy. I know.
But i can't help it.
When you touched me, I changed in a way i can't explain and I know i can't go back to who I was before we met. Your existence has altered my life in ways I will still probably only learn as the years go by.
I only hope you are still alive for me to tell you about them as we trade stories about how we're doing and how our friends/families etc are doing.
I don't want to lose you as my friend.
When I said you were my best friend...I really meant it.
I've never laughed, loved, or cried as much as I have with you.
You are like life. Full of ups, downs, and good times and amazing memories.
I'm scared to post this in that you might take it the wrong way or that i'll just make life more complicated for you and confusing and that you might end up more reluctant to speak to me after seeing how...enthusiastic... i can get about you.
I just don't know either.
I guess...it's complicated.
It'll be a while before we get a chance to talk openly about it all I suppose. you have a lot on your plate right now and i don't want to get in the way.
Anyways, I need to sleep. I'm exhausted.
Good luck, Lani. You're in my prayers.
It's funny. I see how much being around you changed me...and I like who I am now compared to who I was then.
It's kinda funny. It's just interesting seeing myself on a stupid site like this and yet I wonder if it would ever work and actually match me with someone who's actually interested in me. (OkCupid)
Yes, I know. You don't love me and it's okay. I understand and I'm totally up for being friends with you anyways. I like being around you. You make me more comfortable being myself and exploring who I want to be and what i really value.
And I want to be there to listen to you when you just want to know if you're making the right choices or if you should go out with someone or if you really love someone. I wanna see you happy and safe, Wildcat. I really do, and I can do that best by being just a friend.
I'm happy for you and S. And I'm hopeful. I want whatever is best for you, hon (platonic!! not lovey dovey! It's a southern thing. Hon, sweetheart, and dear.)
If this man makes you happy...if you feel safe with him when all else seems unsafe...if his arms are the ones you want to run to when you've got no where else to turn...if he's the guy you want to talk to about your day and the first one that comes to mind when something happens (good or bad), I support you. Wholeheartedly.
Yes.
Really.
Go get 'em, Wildcat.
So he's got a kid? He had the courage to keep it. And to raise it. And she seems happy with her dad.
OkCupid's questions made me think about that kind of stuff.
I say, who cares if they have a kid? If they got a divorce? If they are good people...if they make you feel safe and happy and help encourage you to be healthy, why do all those other things matter?
I'm a romantic, Wildcat. But I'm also very easy going about that kind of stuff. If the people are right for each other, then what's it matter what anyone else thinks? Yes, counsel from those you know and trust and who know you can be very helpful, but it's not the gospel truth. You gotta decide some stuff yourself too.
I'm not saying go all out today, or tomorrow, or even in a month for now.
I'm saying, don't close the door on a happy ending to your story just yet, sweetheart.
We all deserve a loving partner.
Maybe S is it. Maybe he isn't.
One thing I learned from Sparrow, and honestly, I've tried to live up to this bit of advice and I'd like to pass it on is...
"It's not always a bad thing to worry. It shows you care about something. But it's bad when you let that worry stop you from doing amazing things. Yes, it's going to take time to get what you want, and yes, it's going to be difficult at times, but would you actually feel like you accomplished something if it was easy?"
Don't let being afraid keep you from the potential of a loving and caring partner, hon.
I mean that.
I may not have been right for you, and as much as that saddens me, it's okay. Because there are still chances for us to find joy, to find happiness, to find the right people for us even if it's not each other.
And if he or another guy really seems genuine and caring...don't close the door on them.
I know you love T, and he loved you. It doesn't have to end with him. The love you shared can continue and live on.
He and I both love you. If he is half the man you've shown him to be, he would want you to be happy, Wildcat. Happy and safe. Live and love. Love fully. Care and fight for those you love.
Let the memory of loving T be proof that you are not unlovable. Let his words remind you that you ARE worthy of being told you're beautiful and that your body is a canvas for the kisses of your loved ones and those who love you, and not a place for more cuts.
You are the most beautiful and amazing woman i have ever met. T was lucky to have met you, have lain with you and loved you and been loved by you.
He was a good man, but he's not the only good man out there. There are billions of people on this planet and not all of them are jackasses and pervs and dicks. Some of us really do want to see you smile.
Sometimes that's all we want in life is to make our loved ones smile and feel safe.
I know i say it a lot, probably too much really...but the best times with you were the times you fell asleep next to me on skype...i could listen to your quiet breathing forever as you slept...it was so satisfying and peaceful to know you felt safe enough to fall asleep there with me...and the times you could get drunk or high around me and just goof off and be yourself...
There is no replacement for you, Wildcat. There is no other you.
Be proud of who you are. You are smart. Brilliant even. Your grades don't define you. Nor does your past or your mistakes.
This is your present. This is your future. Here. Now.
You can do whatever you want with your life. Fuck all of them. They're all bastards and should go burn in Hell.
You....you are precious. You are a treasure and you gotta remember that.
That rant the other night? Where you stood up for yourself?
That made me so proud.
If i ever have a daughter, I want her to have your strength and courage, Wildcat. I mean that. I wouldn't mind naming her in your honor either, to be honest.
Your self-respect in that post is something women need more of. You stood up for yourself and refused to be a booty-call or a "hoe" and made it clear...
You are a goddamn Lady and you deserve to be treated like one.
Not only were you clear that you're not a hoe, but you showed you're not a side hoe either.
You want to be your man's priority. His main girl. His focus.
And you're damn right.
No girl deserves to be anything less than her partner's main focus when it comes to women.
If he's not respecting you and treating you right and proves he's not willing to change or try to improve the relationship for both your sakes and compromise when needed, dump his ass on that curb and walk the hell away.
Yeah, you're a strong, independent woman. Dating a strong girl like you takes finesse and tact.
Maybe that's what i was missing. But whatever it may have been, it takes a special guy to catch more than just your eye...
If you feel something for S...don't ignore it.
Take care of what needs to be done right now. You're young and you have time. But please, please, please, don't give up on yourself, Wildcat. You're too special to live life without being treated as such.
The first rule we're taught as EMT's is... "take care of yourself first".
Want to know why? You cant help anyone if you're so frazzled, stressed, and on edge that you can't focus or calmly deal with everyday stuff.
Make time for yourself, hon. Treat yo self.
You look great. So don't be afraid to have a little beer now and then or an ice cream here or there.
You don't have to be pencil thin to be hot and sexy and drop dead gorgeous. You already are.
Scientifically speaking, pencil thin girls with the super skinny waist? While the come off as attractive, in the long run they relationships don't tend to pan out as well as average or slightly above average build in women.
Reason being? We are biologically more attracted to a balanced physique and nature in a partner.
you are young, strong, smart, and beautiful.
And yes, that is including your scars, sweetheart.
your story has changed my life forever and i will never again look at people the same since i have met you. You really gave me a chance to see the world from another point of you and I can't ever forget that.
Whoever you are with, they are the luckiest person alive.
And I mean that, Kitten.
I really do.
I do wish i could go back and fix things between us before things got all shitty and whatnot, and maybe i'd have had a chance, but as it is, I just want you happy and i'm willing to do all i can to be there for you through it and to see you find and be with someone that really "gets" you and can handle you the way you need and want. I know it won't be easy to work all that out, but I know it's not impossible. I mean, Tyler loved you. I love you, and still do.
Shit happens and fights and arguments don't mean people don't love you or that they suddenly hate you. It may be just a battle between your biological age and your maturity but it'll take time to realize that a lot of us do genuinely care about you.
We want you to succeed and we want you to want to succeed.
Very little in this life would make me happier than you see you graduate, get a nice job, and find a stable and happy relationship. Hell, if you got married some day, i'd be happy to see your wedding and wish you the best life possible, Lani.
That's how much I care.
I want you happy. I don't care if it's not with me.
YOU matter.
And so does your happiness.
It's not easy. It never is.
But it will be damn well worth it in the end, hon.
I promise you that.
Don't give in. And don't give up.
We may not be "in love" but you have all my contact info. Please, please, call me or skype me or whatever you wanna use if you need anything. I know life gets shitty and sometimes we just need someone to vent to or cry with or ask an opinion from or just tell us that it's gonna be okay, and I want to be there for you. Even if it means you don't love me. We all need a friend we can trust. I know some of your secrets and you know I will never tell them to anyone. I know some of your past and why you do some of the things you do. And when you need or want to talk, I will do my best to be available, Lani.
I want to be your friend again and see you through this to the better side of life. And i think we can really help each other that way. I trust you and you are one of only two people who've ever seen me suicidal and crying and an angry mess. Melissa is the only other one.
That speaks to how much i trust you. I get shit happened and we've argued, but it doesn't make me care any less about you.
We all want the same thing. We want peace. We want answers. We want the pain to end and for our voices to be heard.
i want to be a part of that too.
I hope this isn't too much or too forward or anything like that.
I just want you to understand that I care and I want to be a part of a better life, even if it's just as a friend.
I want us both to be happy. And making you happy makes me happy.
I don't want you to take this like I wanna get back together. That would be nice, but I know that's probably never gonna happen and I know that i'm not a part of that equation anymore. I'm not here to be your lover. I'm here to be your friend and try to give you the best damn company you can get outside of being a dedicated lover/partner. I want to be a good friend you can trust.
And I want you to know that.
My blog is here for me to write the things I think and feel. It's not necessarily for you to respond to it or to read too much into it.
I care about you. And I just want you happy. That's the TL: DR of this post.
Good luck on your maths test. I know you can do great. Just stay calm, breathe, and do your best. Whatever you get on it, I'll be proud of you for showing up and giving it a go, Lani.
And I wish you and Steven the best. He's a good guy. And I'm glad you two met each other. I really hope things work out, whether with him or someone else. I just want you happy and safe and healthy.
It's really all I care about.
I can't believe this has been the reason i'm up at 4am again.
Sigh.
You see? It keeps me up, thinking about it. I don't want to be hated or excluded or get left out by you. You're amazing and I love being around you. You end up on my mind more often than not and time seems to slip away from me as I wonder so many, many things...so many what ifs...
And that's how I'm here. Writing to you at 4:03am.
It's crazy. I know.
But i can't help it.
When you touched me, I changed in a way i can't explain and I know i can't go back to who I was before we met. Your existence has altered my life in ways I will still probably only learn as the years go by.
I only hope you are still alive for me to tell you about them as we trade stories about how we're doing and how our friends/families etc are doing.
I don't want to lose you as my friend.
When I said you were my best friend...I really meant it.
I've never laughed, loved, or cried as much as I have with you.
You are like life. Full of ups, downs, and good times and amazing memories.
I'm scared to post this in that you might take it the wrong way or that i'll just make life more complicated for you and confusing and that you might end up more reluctant to speak to me after seeing how...enthusiastic... i can get about you.
I just don't know either.
I guess...it's complicated.
It'll be a while before we get a chance to talk openly about it all I suppose. you have a lot on your plate right now and i don't want to get in the way.
Anyways, I need to sleep. I'm exhausted.
Good luck, Lani. You're in my prayers.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
I don't want to just pretend like i hate you or i don't want you around. It's not true. I love gaming and talking and hanging out...but honestly, this happens a lot...
From Nathaniel, ben, and others, to Steven now, and I'm not saying he is like them, but any time a new male figure shows up in your life, somehow I am majorly sidelined, vilified, and become some sort of hated spawn of satan it seems...
I don't get how you can think, over and over again, that i don't care about you or that I don't enjoy making you smile just for the sake of smiling.
From your old lokai bracelet to the teddy and even the laptop charger, I got those things simply because i knew they'd mean something to you.
Just like the promised Klee Kai.
And all the gear and kinah and stuff in Aion.
I like seeing you smile and hearing you giggle madly and happily.
I don't care who you are with. I don't care where they live. I just want you to know that they don't automatically replace me.
I read you stories at bedtime cause i enjoy it and I enjoy putting you to bed. I want you getting sleep at night when you need and want it. I enjoy you waking me up by talking to me on skype or calling me and getting me up that way.
I game with you not cause i give a shit about AION but because i like spending time with you.
Yes, raxius has a nice voice and is calming and probably seems cooler than I am...
But he's not me. He doesn't know you like I do nor has he known you as long as I have.
I can look at you and usually tell your mood...i can figure out by your noises how you feel or what you want...
All those nights i stayed up worrying about you? Not cause i want something from you, but because i don't want to lose the chance to do things for you.
It's just, sometimes it feels somewhat unbalance and sometimes i feel unappreciated for all that I do for you on and offline.
I didn't turn people against you. Storm asked me why you and I weren't talking and I explained what happened and that I was upset.
She doesn't hate you. No one does. I don't hate you either.
She just doesn't want you and I hurting each other.
I do a lot for you, Lani. Im not trying to brag. Im being honest.
Your mythic gear came from me doing those late night EB/IO/IS/Sauro runs for you and a lot of the gp came from EB and sieges you'd ask me to go to for you for whatever reason.
It frustrates me when you put me down for my templar when i don't improve him because i spend all my time trying to improve your toons just to make you happy. Then you go and tell me stuff like "stop bragging about your gear" when in reality i'm just happy to get something for myself finally...you have three toons at 65 and most of them are geared very well. Your Sw is full mythic. I have one toon at 65. He is not full mythic. Not armor nor weapon. he can't pvp either.
So please don't think im trying to show off my gear or act like i am more than anyone else. I am just happy to get gear that i can use and socket. I am just happy to improve.
And i don't like ultimatums like "either do this or don't talk to me ever again" or "come to siege or I turn off skype". Like i don't like being threatened to do things.
I'm not rome, who camped grigol like 24/7 but i did my best to camp grigol for you. When you were asleep i'd kinah farm or farm tia eye for you. I'd socket things for you.
I try so hard to make you happy, Lani.
I don't mind you not loving me. I can live with that. I would like to remain friends, but even if that doesn't happen, I just want you to not keep acting like i'm the worst thing in the world, cause i'm not.
I never cheated or had sex with anyone else when we were in a more or less loose relationship nor was I trying to meet new girls or anything. i was and am content knowing you.
Your smile and laughter and personality are good.
I just want to be recognized now and then that I can do something right.
It feels like when i do something for you it is either not enough, or it was simply to be expected, or is barely noticed and brushed off...OR if I don't jump to your orders fast enough I'm selfish and rude and arrogant for just trying to get stuff done.
I care about you a lot.
You mean so much to me and it hurts to be turned on in anger like that so quickly when all i want is to make you happy and I try so hard at it.
I care, Lani.
I'm still working on that 1 billion for you by the way. i didn't forget. I've got it building in a toon's warehouse that i don't touch.
I enjoy buying you skins too, because they make you happy. And i like the crazy adventurers we had in Inggy trying to get your pokemon pet.
You are a treasure trove of memories and i don't want to lose my best friend.
I'll work to earn that back, but I want this to be more balance. I dont' want you hating or bashing me so quickly or so often. It hurts and really impacts my self esteem when some I care for and respect greatly tells me i'm shitty and that they hate me simply cause something didn't go right in a game.
I want to stay your friend. I like hearing what you have to say. I just don't want to be emotionally attacked or hurt at the slightest provocation. It makes me fearful and like i'm walking on eggshells sometimes.
And it is also frustrating sometimes when you go through and read unposted blogs and then judge me on those.
My blog is here for me to get shit out of my head to AVOID saying it to those i care about...to avoid conflict because it's meant to be personal and safely stored out of peoples' sights...I trusted you with the password, and I still do, but judging me on a post written right after i get put in my place and im kind of depressed and crying and angry at myself for being so goddamn stupid isn't a good judge of who I am. And to be mad at me for a post i didn't publish seems really unfair. This blog is for me to express myself. if i have to censor myself even here out of fear of being judged for what did and didn't post then what is the point of the blog. If i don't post it, it probably means I know it' may be upsetting to you or that i probably doesn't really reflect my true feelings but only shows a shade of turbulence that doesn't properly exemplify my character.
Please...understand that angry posts aren't meant to be an attack on you or raxius or anyone. This is for me to write out how i feel so i don't hurt others by blurting it out in skype or teamspeak or in a chat somewhere. This is for me to get shit out and not be afraid of being judged or attacked for how i feel or what i say here.
I trust you with my blog. Please, respect it in regards to what i do post and what i don't. Read it all, but the ones that don't get posted usually have a reason for not being published. If you want to know why, ask me when i'm calm. Don't just lash out at me when i'm already flustered and out on the edge of myself. It's just not fair to either of us and just sets things up to end poorly.
I want our friendship to work out, but there has to be boundaries and respect.
I'm willing to work on myself, but you've got to admit and at least understand some of the points i'm making here...i'm not crazy. I deserve to be respected and happy too. I want to be happy. I want to be happy in your company...and I usually am...it's just some situations i feel like im repeatedly treated unfairly and i want to work those out.
I just want to be respected and told/shown/treated like I mean something...you can go from telling me how shit my temp is to waking me up early in the morning because you need a tank for sauro. Like it doesn't make sense to me how i can be a shit templar and yet be the person you're waking up to tank something for you...but i do it because I hope at the end of the run or somewhere along the way, you encourage me or tell me that i'm doing something right...
I want to know that despite all the things i do wrong that you do recognize the effort i put in to doing things right and trying to please you....
Ultimately that's what i do...it's what i've been doing...i've been trying to make you smile...and doing all i can to do so...
but it keeps ending up with you telling me that you wish we never met or that you hate me....
yes. i know i've made mistakes and i know i fuck up and forget, and sleep to much, and too deeply and dont do enough to please you or don't try hard enough...but i dont tell you that you wont get anywhere in life...i don't tell you i wish i'd never met you or that i hate you...never. and i never want to say those things to you.
I know the shit you've been through. i know how hard it's been for you and the stress you get put under and i don't judge you for the days you get angry at me because there's so much going on that it's overwhelming you...i get it.
But those times when you just lash out at me for the littlest things makes me uncomfortable...i just want you to be happy with me...be proud of knowing me...i'd love to hear now and then "oh the EB shield? Yeah, Erin/Yusuf helped me to get it..." or "Yeah, Yusuf's a friend of mine"... i often feel like im only there to do things for you...and that's stressful at times. I love to do things for you...but i don't want that to be all that I am to you...
I want to be a friend and i want people to know that we're friends...like in instance runs, telling me to shut the fuck up cause i'm an annoying little shit really hurts my feelings.
I want to work on my side too.
I know i can be lazy and that i've not always kept my promises. I know that at times i can come off as arrogant or like I am bragging. I also recognize that I don't do things as fast as I should, like when you lost grigol because i was kiting that monkey boss. There are a lot of things for me to improve on as a person and as a friend.
But i want us to agree that we BOTH have mistakes we've made and that we need to work on and it not just being me groveling and begging to be your friend and slaving myself away to earn back some subservient place around you. i want to be an equal friend to others and not just that guy you know.
I don't know if i want to post this cause i don't want you more mad at me or more hateful towards me. I know you're upset at me and that you are upset whenever you see me. I don't want this to fuel your hatred. I'm just trying to calmly write out things on my mind cause i rarely get a chance to talk to you about how i feel or what i think or what may be bothering me...these things bother me and i want you to know and i want you to talk to me about it...i want to come up with a solution we can both agree on and be comfortable with. I don't want the answer to every issue, argument, or fight to be "fuck you, got rot in hell, i wish i never met you, you little arrogant twat". Like that solves nothing just makes things worse all 'round.
I want to find practical ways forward. I don't like fighting or arguing with you. That's the last thing i want. And i really dont like when you're mad at me. I dont want to leave when that happens cause all i want is to make things better...to fix things and keep trying at it. I hate giving up, walking away, or abandoning people that have a significant place in my life and heart.
you have a very significant place in my life and in my heart.
You know more about me and my life and personality than most people and that is a huge deal to me. All the memories we've shared and all the nights of just being crazy stupid and having a good time are priceless and irreplaceable. I don't wanna lose a friend that can make me laugh til my stomach hurts and my ears are blurred with tears of joy.
I've never laughed more than when i've been around you and that is the honest truth.
I value that so much in you...your ability to be sweet, funny, and intelligent and sassy all in one go.
i really want to find some solution to all this.
I respect your relationship with Steven. I promise not to interfere in it or to do anything that may endanger it. i want you to be happy. I just dont want every new person to automatically mean i have to fight tooth and claw for a place in your favorable people list, you know?
Anyways, it's late and i'm tired and i need sleep before my EMT class tomorrow.
Goodnight, Ellie, Sleep tight. I hope you and Steven have a good day tomorrow and every day.
I mean that.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Apparently Izzy thinks "my idea of commitment is a bit much" and that "people have to be able to take care of themselves"...
Wtf does that even have to do with anything??? My commitment to a person doesn't keep them from taking care of themselves.
Remind me not to trust him again...
He's not getting a stable relationship with a woman anytime soon with that mindset.
Also he was asking me "family first right?" And I replied that I look after those in need first, whomever that may be.
I'm not outing my family first if they are watching a recorded movie and someone else seriously needs me.
Oh...shit...
Oh my god...
His fiancé died...in the shooting...they were set to be engaged that summer but she had already agreed to marry him...and their families had sorted everything out too...
I...can't imagine what that was like...
He said it made him so happy to feel the joy in my words whenever I talk about you and he told me to "hold on" to you and he hopes that our friendship/relationship goes well...
I don't know what to say.
Wtf does that even have to do with anything??? My commitment to a person doesn't keep them from taking care of themselves.
Remind me not to trust him again...
He's not getting a stable relationship with a woman anytime soon with that mindset.
Also he was asking me "family first right?" And I replied that I look after those in need first, whomever that may be.
I'm not outing my family first if they are watching a recorded movie and someone else seriously needs me.
Oh...shit...
Oh my god...
His fiancé died...in the shooting...they were set to be engaged that summer but she had already agreed to marry him...and their families had sorted everything out too...
I...can't imagine what that was like...
He said it made him so happy to feel the joy in my words whenever I talk about you and he told me to "hold on" to you and he hopes that our friendship/relationship goes well...
I don't know what to say.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
I dreamt last night...of an ambulance. ..I was in the back. ...I was one of the EMTs treating the patient. ..it was a woman. She had blonde hair and she was all cut up and scraped and it looked like shed been in a car accident. I remember she was screaming and flailing and asking about her kids. The other medics couldn't complete their tasks with het flailing and it was endangering herself and us. I reached out and took her hand in my gloved one and began to talk softly as I comforted her. I had her tell me about her kids and what she loved about them and she calmed down as she talked. She looked up at me as she spoke and I gave a silent nod to my fellow medics to do what they needed while I had her attention. She talked to me all the way to the ER and she smiled as we wheeled her out. She would survive her ordeal.
I saw this repeat in similar scenarios and a phrase swam in my head. "Angel in the back of the truck". People knew me for my ability to talk to and calm down our patients in an almost miraculous manner.
I don't understand it. I never thought I'd apply to be a real EMT with a real volunteer fire department. But here I am.
I want to be a part of helping get others. I want to make a difference in their lives.
I will be a volunteer EMT.
I saw this repeat in similar scenarios and a phrase swam in my head. "Angel in the back of the truck". People knew me for my ability to talk to and calm down our patients in an almost miraculous manner.
I don't understand it. I never thought I'd apply to be a real EMT with a real volunteer fire department. But here I am.
I want to be a part of helping get others. I want to make a difference in their lives.
I will be a volunteer EMT.
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