The most painful thing wasn't the cheating or betrayal or the lies or continued disrespect...
No, I think the biggest loss was when I realized you were no longer someone I respected or looked up to.
What's obvious is you're in the throes of mental health issues for which you repeatedly refuse to seek professional help for.
In the end this unstable pattern of behaviors will repeat over and over leaving you emptier and emptier each time until there is nothing left.
II loved you, flaws and all. I was willing to forgive and move forward together towards a better future.
In the end you chose convenience over commitment and burned bridges one after another in what seems like a shameless and almost proud manner.
I wish you the best in life but I know your life won't improve until you're willing to step up and take accountability for what you've done and who you are.
Perhaps some day things will be different but who I am today cannot help the person you've become so long as you act out in an insufferable and obtuse manner while destroying all the hard work you put in over the years.
For once, I am well and truly disappointed.
I believed in you. I still believe in you but I can't walk the road you've chosen and still be the man I deserve to be.
Good luck with your life. I will be taking a step back from you. You made your choices. Now live with them.
I wonder if you realize how much it hurts that you forgot about me but had time to spend with him. Sometimes I wonder if you actually understand or care about me anymore.
I feel like you never had any intention to ever cut things off with him. Was it truly that you actually chose someone else over me? After all the chances and all the space I gave you?
Why am I the one who has to suffer when you were the one who cheated on me? I still dont really know what you think or feel anymore.
You feel more relaxed but also at arm's length.
It hurts me to see you with the person you cheated on me with.
It's hard to tell what's truth and what's a lie. Did you really forget what day it was? Or did you just not want to deal with me so you conveniently "forgot"? Was your plan always to hang out with him? Or was it just happenstance that you forgot and he was available?
My heart hurts. I dont feel seen or respected or appreciated. I am frustrated.
How does one even reconcile with the reality of being cheated on and then letting your unfaithful partner spend a week living with the very person she cheated with?
I struggle to reconcile her supposed desire to repair this relationship with the inability to separate from the very individual she committed this indfidelity with.
Are these two things not at severe odds with one another?
Is she so blind to how her actions affect me? Or does she simply not care?
One would think that someone truly remorseful for their disloyalty would do everything to stay as far away from it as possible so as to not even come close to appearing to flirt with the idea infidelity ever again.
I struggle to understand what is going through her head.
It could have been anyone else.
And even now...the fact that while she was here...visiting me, she told people she felt no spark.
I feel sick..my heart races with anxiety when it think about it all even a little...as though there is a hand squeezing my chest, gripping a little tighter every single time, leaving me breathless.
I try to mute my reactions. Explosive, retaliatory, or inflammatory words do not help the situation as it is already emotionally charged and difficult yet it doesn't help that I am bottling my frustrations to avoid feeling like I am causing more harm and distress to you on top of what you're already going through... although it feels like I am sacrificing more for this relationship and doing more to try to repair what was broken while you run off with the man you cheated on me with...
I feel a deep sense of loss and betrayal.
What did I do to deserve this?
And what does it mean when you say you love me? What does it really mean? Because if you loved me it means I should have been enough for you...but it's clear I was not ..either too much or not enough for you to be loyal to me...not to cheat.
But you did. And you didn't hide it. Snaps with hickeys. Lies. Poor coverups.
You didn't care if I saw or if others caught on.
You didn't think about me.
You didn't think how I would feel all this when I found out or how painfully difficult it would be to try to rekindle our relationship when you keep taking actions that undermine any sense of trust or faith we have left.
What am I supposed to do?
Help me help you.
You can't abandon a relationship and think that everything's gonna be okay afterwards. That we will be able to just go back to the way everything used to be.
We cannot.
There has been serious damage done to my views on love and relationships and I'm am wary of committing to anything until I feel like things are more... conducive to a real relationship.
It's going to take a lot to rebuild trust and love between us.
I dont think you realize just how frustrating it can be when you default to throwing yourself away for the sake of "making things okay" when that's not even close to what I want or asked for.
That kinda makes ME feel like a shitty human being to even consider a situation where I am happy but my partner's needs/wants/desires are just trampled and forgotten. What kind of person does that? Why would I want that to be the groundwork and foundation for a relationship with anyone?
That does NOT make me happy. It does the opposite in fact. It makes me sad just thinking that you're just there being ignored and unfulfilled and unsatisfied.
Stop trying to sacrifice yourself for me. I dont want that.
You act like you throwing yourself off a cliff is doing me some kind of service. I dont understand what you think you're accomplishing doing this.
It does not help me, that's for sure. And it's not helping you in the long run either.
Im not here to use or take advantage of you.
I WANT to be equals. Stop trying to create this distance between us like it's only my happiness or yours. Why cant we both be happy together? I simply do not understand.
Am I the fool for letting this happen? Seven days with the man I was cheated on with.
How absolutely insane am I for not fighting this more?
I dont understand. I dont think im going to be able to relax or rest properly whatsoever for the duration of this.
Especially not with what I know now. Driving there and back together. Staying at his place. A week together. Him saying the things he did behind her back...
Is this really all that Im worth? Is this the love I deserve?
Im sorry, but I feel...so disappointed that you didnt do more to create distance between the two of you after you literally cheated on me with him.
He's not fucking asexual. He really fucking isn't.
But you choose to let the dumbest, most shitty people lead you around and somehow no matter what I do, how much I give or sacrifice or offer, no matter the time spent, I am not enough.
You demonstrate this time and time again by choosing him over me.
This is the final straw and if after all this you still choose him, I have no alternative but to walk away. I wont be second place in the life of the person who asked to marry me. I wont.
As much as it will kill me, perhaps literally, I can't take that, and I wont.
So here we are. The precipice upon which there is no return, no quarter, and no other choices remaining.
The ball is in your court. I hope I'm wrong about all this and that you will actually do what you promised but I get the feeling I am being played for a fool. Perhaps so are you, but after this that'll be your problem, not mine.
I already struggle to look at us the same. I can't help but imagine you naked with him, getting fucked by him. Kissing him. Leaving hickies down his neck. And those aren't figments of my imagination but things you've already done.
I feel angry. I feel hurt. Betrayed. I never imagined you of all people would cheat on me, after all the times we talked about loyalty...about how you've been cheated on before and what it felt like...
It just dont understand why. I can't understand why you can't just give this boy up for the sake of our entire fucking relationship and future.
Maybe that's my mistake though. Maybe i expected my partner to have some sense of loyalty to me. I guess I was wrong for thinking that I could be enough. That you could actually love me like you claimed you did.
I have no one to talk to about these things. No friends i can rely upon completely.
I have sacrificed so much and yet you get to go out with the boy you cheated on me with. You wont tell him the truth. You wont cut him off. You wont even tell him i fucking exist.
I am the dirty secret and I really dont think i believe that you love me.
I hope im wrong about that but you've not really given me any real reason to believe otherwise.
It almost feels like you're not actually trying to repair this relationship. You're just clinging to the pieces while chasing ways to hold on to him...not me.
You dont actually care how things affect me. If you did...you'd never have cheated on me in the first place. You'd have considered how all the time you've spent with him AFTER we discussed it all and how devastating it is to hear you spend more time with him than you do me.
Im chopped liver. Im the piece of shit. Im the one alone.
Not you.
Im the one who was hurt by this. You just seem to feel guilty that you got caught. I dont even know if I believe that you'd ever tell me you cheated if I hadn't found out myself.
Im just so frustrated.
I try so hard to be patient and kind and caring and open minded but it just feel like im being taken advantage of for as long as you refuse to provide concrete evidence that you're cutting him off or that you're not still emotionally involved with him.
Im tired. I really really fucking tired.
There is so much i dont say because I dont want to hurt you more and risk you fuckin' killing yourself because I told you how all this shit really makes me feel. I soften the blows and my words to try to lift you up while simultaneously using my own body and soul as your stepstool.
I dont feel appreciated. I dont feel loved. I dont feel respected. And it doesnt feel like you care enough to even recognize that or do anything about it.
This is it. This trip with Levy will either make or break the future of this relationship.
It is him or it's me. And I fear you've already chosen him without even consciously knowing or realizing it.
Like clockwork the Doomsday Clock marches forward to its inevitable chime.
The time when it all explodes and my life comes crashing down.
Since the last post I was involved in a traffic incident at work, graduated, got fired, found out I was cheated on, got certified as a paramedic, and more.
My therapist didn't believe in the Doomsday Clock initially until I told him I found out I had been cheated on between the last session and this one. I think he believes in the Doomsday Clock now.
I forgave her the day I found out. I couldn't stay mad. Honestly, as hurt as I was, all I could think of was what happened between myself and my once brother and the Kitsune . How the server imploded and the mob that came after me with but bits and pieces of the truth of the situation..in the end, the collateral damage was untold and the loss of friends and social circles was tremendous.
I would have killed myself that night if not for a few friends who knew the truth and stated by my side until I was safer. Bun and Zat saved my life that night.
And so few remained after that.
I couldn't let her face a mob like that. I couldn't let her be alone in those moments when the world begins to crumble and spill like sand through your fingers as you panic even while knowing you can't stop it.
I couldn't give up on the future I wanted.
No one should be judged by a single moment of their life. She didn't judge me for my faults. I owed her that much.
And that meant taking deep breaths and trying to find the truth of the matter and decide what to do from there.
We've...moved forward some since then...Mexico is the short term goal and test.
Do I have worries? Some..I suppose. Who wouldn't with all that's going on?
I won't lie as long as Brutus was present, I was on edge. I still have some questions and frustrations over all of that but in the end it is far less important worrying about the past than it is to prepare for the future and be present in the moment to try and make things better.
Little things still make me suspicious but I've tried my best to remain calm and logical. Still online after bed but not in call? Is she in call with someone else or just forgot to power down? Long overdue after work but no response? Is she hurt? Purposefully ignoring me? Lying to me and trying to hide it all?
It's be up and down and up and down.
I don't really know what all to think. All I know is I want to be by her side in the end. It'll take time and effort and a lot of work on both our ends but I want to believe we can rebuild what we had and more...
If not...I don't even want to consider the alternative paths and choices.
I couldn't bear seeing the end of all this.
I have never let anyone so close to me before, never let them in to my family circle the way I have this time.
I felt special being proposed to. I want it all to be real. I want this to work. I want the future we both have dreamt of.
Have I just been too much or not enough?
Did she enjoy him? Was he better than me? Did he love her? Did he tell her he loved her? Did she say it back? Did she enjoy being with him more? Was it really just the one time? Did he want more? Was she ashamed to be with me?
In the end will I be enough to make her happy? Will I be that safe space?
Am I enough or will I be the vehicle to someone else's brighter future once more while not actually being the destination?
What would I tell my parents? My sisters? My grandparents?
I don't know. And I don't want to think about it.
The less I consider the alternatives the better. If I focus on success then surely success is the way things will go...I hope.
I want to be enough.
I hope I am enough
With everything wrong with me am I really worth all this trouble? Have I overinflated my self worth and value?
Maybe I'm not the best option she has. She has a lot of people waiting in the wings to swoop in the moment I'm out of the picture and I'm sure the proximity is easier than dealing with me so far away.
Sometimes I hate being so far from her. Being unable to hold her when she needs it. To please her when she wants it. To make things better for her when she's facing everything alone.
I know I'm not the best..or the brightest or richest or strongest or sexiest..I can't dance or draw or fuck as good as others. I'm shy and awkward and short and my voice sounds bad.
I know I have so many flaws. I know I'm not perfect.
I wouldn't choose me.
So why would she?
Only time will tell I guess.
I'm am trying to trust again. I want to. I need to. I love her beyond any feelings I've had before and I cannot imagine a life without her there with me.
I need this. But I don't want her suffering because of me. Feeling worthless around me because of all this. I don't want her to feel like she has been railroaded into anything she didn't want in the first place.
It was not exactly the best start to a day. In fact the last two days weren't exactly the "best" starts to days, but that's just how it goes sometimes, isn't it?
Yesterday began with a text conversation on my way into work. The weight of what was being said at odds with the format of speech-to-text over a car Bluetooth system at 65mph in poor weather, and yet that's how it happened.
Space.
That's what she needed, wanted. To clear her head. To figure out her future.
How exactly does one respond to something like that when she was the one to propose in the first place?
A million thoughts run through your head at a billion miles a minute. One thought sticks out, thornier and sharper than the rest.
Alone?
It echoes.
Alone.
Will we be alone once more at the end of all this? Despite saying that the end goal was still me, one can only wonder what the end results of such a situation will be. Can anyone really predict such a thing?
What if the answer is "not you"? Or "not this"?
What does one do when the one who proposed to you suddenly realizes they're better off without you?
Where does one go from there when everyone knows what the plans had been? When you told family and relatives have met you together?
While nothing is a foregone conclusion, one can only watch, wonder, and worry.
I responded with tear-filled eyes, contemplating just calling off for the day while debating the impact on lives such a choice could have.
A lot, apparently.
It turned out lives were indeed at stake, and had I chosen not to go in, at least two people could have died, a third may have been permanently blind in his remaining eye.
It was with the words of that morning that I walked into work, running late, and would eventually get multiple priority 1 emergency/life or limb calls.
Helicopters were grounded due to weather so the only option was by ground.
Over a hundred miles traveled. Hours of lights and sirens responses. The shift ended hours later than my off time.
It's been...difficult.
But. I would rather this get worked out now than down the road. At the very least, we owe ourselves that much so we don't resent and hate each other down the road if this isn't gonna work.
I don't know what will come of this or how it will end. All I can do is wait, watch, and hope it works out.
If it doesn't, well, at this point I'm just too tired to care. I think I would be more content just working myself into oblivion and shutting out the world once more. Life isn't terrible alone. It's just empty. And emptiness is better than trying to fight the pain all over again.
Have I already assumed this is dead in the water? That, after introspection, no one would actually choose to stay with me given the choice to leave me behind, esp after they get whatever it is they needed or wanted?
Am I too cynical? Projecting? Realistic?
Who knows? I'm just tired and I want to know where I stand. Do I have a wife or do I have a life of solitude?
I know I say i'd still be friends, but could I do so without the pain of each day? I mean I suppose it is possible and yet at the same time, things never got this far with anyone else, so...
I don't know. Yeah I said it. I don't fucking know. I don't know anymore.
How curious. We rise once more. The goosebumps crawl across our skin like insects swarming as the pervasive chill of emotional dysregulation sets in. The emotional numbness spreads throughout and a frown creases our brow.
The Wolf returns, albeit unexpectedly.
Today's therapy was surprisingly heavy. A recollection of things left unresolved yet slowly poisoning my soul. A rotten foundation threatening to compromise the work I have done if left untreated and unaddressed.
Memories of past projects thrown carelessly in moving boxes and destroyed beyond repair when I found them.
Reliving the moment dad tore up my art and threw it away, only to later try to tape it back together and apologize...except the only thing I learned or remembered from that was that, once done, an action can never be undone. No matter the apologies or efforts, you cannot put something back together the way it was before. It will always be different after being broken. Actions have consequences, and things they thought were just another Tuesday have been left to fester in my soul for so, so long.
Closure, they said. As one thing nears completion, we turn to the others left abandoned in the corner, much like I had been.
It is cold. So cold. Tears fill my eyes, as the world becomes a distorted kaleidoscope of color.
It's surprising how vulnerable my soul still is. Easily shaken with the right words and memories. The pain and trauma resurfacing like a submarine breaching the sea's surface in a spectacular fashion.
Even now, I glance down and see the goosebumps of the chills that came from within rather than from without.
Do I open up? Do I show her my broken pieces and sharp edges? I don't want her to cut herself on my broken pieces.
What if she chooses to leave in the future? Can I share my world with someone who doesn't know if they want to be here with me?
I think I'm going to go lie down. If she actually pays attention to me, I suppose I'll let her in. If not, nothing's changed I suppose.
How is it that the pain always somehow cycles back around like this?
Ahhh, my precious little one. You try so hard, time and time again, standing up only to fall once more, and yet you rise again despite excruciating pain and trauma.
Is this truly all there is left in store for us? Blame, abuse, and lack of honesty.
How is it that the Coyote can be so naive and foolish, so blind to all they have before them, and yet at the same time seemingly entitled to my time with no boundaries or responsibility of your own in certain aspects of life?
You say you love me and yet it mustn't be quite as strong as you say if all it takes is a minor inconvenience to not say it to me. What a joke.
It is so obvious sometimes how blind you are to your own projection. Angry, cold, distant, uncompromising, vengeful.
Even now, blind to reality and the fine line you've found yourself on.
I am the Wolf, and we are The Pack. He will never be alone so long as I exist within.
WE are fury. WE are vengeance in so many ways you cannot even begin to fathom.
Homelessness. Intimidation. Innumerable ways to make someone's life a living hell.
You think this is scary? You think hell is hot? Welcome, it's warm inside.
Who the hell would believe me?
Better yet, who would I tell?
I dont even have anyone to talk to about this.
Fuck how worthless this all makes me feel when im standing up for myself worth...
Why The Wild Wolf Weeps
The cold comes close once more
Our pain becomes the one thing of which we can be sure.
When all we sought was the warmth of another soul,
All we've ended up with is an empty bed of coal.
The night settles in and the snow falls softly outside,
All we have left is our time to bide.
With aching chest, and with a heavy heart,
We notice the start of the drifting apart...
Can this truly be the beginning of the end?
Or is this just a curve in the road, just another bend?
We become Icarus, and flirt with the Sun...
Wings ablaze, we fall from grace
Alight and burning,
Our world is turning
Over and over, we tumble
With naught but apologies to mumble.
We fall, crashing to the cold, hard ground,
Yet even as we scream, we are nowhere to be found.
Crippled and unsteady,
We move slow when ready,
But down we go again,
Screaming in pain,
A rend in our body, a tear in the soul
All that's left in our cold bloodied chest, is the empty hole
