uncertainties

How does one even reconcile with the reality of being cheated on and then letting your unfaithful partner spend a week living with the very person she cheated with? 

I struggle to reconcile her supposed desire to repair this relationship with the inability to separate from the very individual she committed this indfidelity with. 

Are these two things not at severe odds with one another? 

Is she so blind to how her actions affect me? Or does she simply not care? 

One would think that someone truly remorseful for their disloyalty would do everything to stay as far away from it as possible so as to not even come close to appearing to flirt with  the idea infidelity ever again.

I struggle to understand what is going through her head.

It could have been anyone else.

And even now...the fact that while she was here...visiting me, she told people she felt no spark.

I feel sick..my heart races with anxiety when it think about it all even a little...as though there is a hand squeezing my chest, gripping a little tighter every single time, leaving me breathless.

I try to mute my reactions. Explosive, retaliatory, or inflammatory words do not help the situation as it is already emotionally charged and difficult yet it doesn't help that I am bottling my frustrations to avoid feeling like I am causing more harm and distress to you on top of what you're already going through... although it feels like I am sacrificing more for this relationship and doing more to try to repair what was broken while you run off with the man you cheated on me with...

I feel a deep sense of loss and betrayal.

What did I do to deserve this?

And what does it mean when you say you love me? What does it really mean? Because if you loved me it means I should have been enough for you...but it's clear I was not ..either too much or not enough for you to be loyal to me...not to cheat.

But you did. And you didn't hide it. Snaps with hickeys. Lies. Poor coverups. 

You didn't care if I saw or if others caught on.

You didn't think about me. 

You didn't think how I would feel all this when I found out or how painfully difficult it would be to try to rekindle our relationship when you keep taking actions that undermine any sense of trust or faith we have left.

What am I supposed to do?

Help me help you. 

You can't abandon a relationship and think that everything's gonna be okay afterwards. That we will be able to just go back to the way everything used to be.

 We cannot. 

There has been serious damage done to my views on love and relationships and I'm am wary of committing to anything until I feel like things are more... conducive to a real relationship.

It's going to take a lot to rebuild trust and love between us.

I hope you can understand.