The Fool

 

Am I the fool for letting this happen? Seven days with the man I was cheated on with.

How absolutely insane am I for not fighting this more? 

I dont understand. I dont think im going to be able to relax or rest properly whatsoever for the duration of this. 

Especially not with what I know now. Driving there and back together. Staying at his place. A week together. Him saying the things he did behind her back...

Is this really all that Im worth? Is this the love I deserve? 

Im sorry, but I feel...so disappointed that you didnt do more to create distance between the two of you after you literally cheated on me with him.

He's not fucking asexual. He really fucking isn't. 

But you choose to let the dumbest, most shitty people lead you around and somehow no matter what I do, how much I give or sacrifice or offer, no matter the time spent, I am not enough. 

You demonstrate this time and time again by choosing him over me. 

This is the final straw and if after all this you still choose him, I have no alternative but to walk away. I wont be second place in the life of the person who asked to marry me. I wont. 

As much as it will kill me, perhaps literally, I can't take that, and I wont. 

So here we are. The precipice upon which there is no return, no quarter, and no other choices remaining. 

The ball is in your court. I hope I'm wrong about all this and that you will actually do what you promised but I get the feeling I am being played for a fool. Perhaps so are you, but after this that'll be your problem, not mine. 

I already struggle to look at us the same. I can't help but imagine you naked with him, getting fucked by him. Kissing him. Leaving hickies down his neck. And those aren't figments of my imagination but things you've already done. 

I feel angry. I feel hurt. Betrayed. I never imagined you of all people would cheat on me, after all the times we talked about loyalty...about how you've been cheated on before and what it felt like...

It just dont understand why. I can't understand why you can't just give this boy up for the sake of our entire fucking relationship and future. 

Maybe that's my mistake though. Maybe i expected my partner to have some sense of loyalty to me. I guess I was wrong for thinking that I could be enough. That you could actually love me like you claimed you did. 

I have no one to talk to about these things. No friends i can rely upon completely. 

I have sacrificed so much and yet you get to go out with the boy you cheated on me with. You wont tell him the truth. You wont cut him off. You wont even tell him i fucking exist.

I am the dirty secret and I really dont think i believe that you love me. 

I hope im wrong about that but you've not really given me any real reason to believe otherwise. 

It almost feels like you're not actually trying to repair this relationship. You're just clinging to the pieces while chasing ways to hold on to him...not me. 

You dont actually care how things affect me. If you did...you'd never have cheated on me in the first place. You'd have considered how all the time you've spent with him AFTER we discussed it all and how devastating it is to hear you spend more time with him than you do me. 

Im chopped liver. Im the piece of shit. Im the one alone. 

Not you.

Im the one who was hurt by this. You just seem to feel guilty that you got caught. I dont even know if I believe that you'd ever tell me you cheated if I hadn't found out myself. 

Im just so frustrated. 

I try so hard to be patient and kind and caring and open minded but it just feel like im being taken advantage of for as long as you refuse to provide concrete evidence that you're cutting him off or that you're not still emotionally involved with him. 

Im tired. I really really fucking tired. 

There is so much i dont say because I dont want to hurt you more and risk you fuckin' killing yourself because I told you how all this shit really makes me feel. I soften the blows and my words to try to lift you up while simultaneously using my own body and soul as your stepstool. 

I dont feel appreciated. I dont feel loved. I dont feel respected. And it doesnt feel like you care enough to even recognize that or do anything about it. 

This is it. This trip with Levy will either make or break the future of this relationship.

It is him or it's me. And I fear you've already chosen him without even consciously knowing or realizing it.