I wonder if you realize how much it hurts that you forgot about me but had time to spend with him. Sometimes I wonder if you actually understand or care about me anymore.
I feel like you never had any intention to ever cut things off with him. Was it truly that you actually chose someone else over me? After all the chances and all the space I gave you?
Why am I the one who has to suffer when you were the one who cheated on me? I still dont really know what you think or feel anymore.
You feel more relaxed but also at arm's length.
It hurts me to see you with the person you cheated on me with.
It's hard to tell what's truth and what's a lie. Did you really forget what day it was? Or did you just not want to deal with me so you conveniently "forgot"? Was your plan always to hang out with him? Or was it just happenstance that you forgot and he was available?
My heart hurts. I dont feel seen or respected or appreciated. I am frustrated.
How does one even reconcile with the reality of being cheated on and then letting your unfaithful partner spend a week living with the very person she cheated with?
I struggle to reconcile her supposed desire to repair this relationship with the inability to separate from the very individual she committed this indfidelity with.
Are these two things not at severe odds with one another?
Is she so blind to how her actions affect me? Or does she simply not care?
One would think that someone truly remorseful for their disloyalty would do everything to stay as far away from it as possible so as to not even come close to appearing to flirt with the idea infidelity ever again.
I struggle to understand what is going through her head.
It could have been anyone else.
And even now...the fact that while she was here...visiting me, she told people she felt no spark.
I feel sick..my heart races with anxiety when it think about it all even a little...as though there is a hand squeezing my chest, gripping a little tighter every single time, leaving me breathless.
I try to mute my reactions. Explosive, retaliatory, or inflammatory words do not help the situation as it is already emotionally charged and difficult yet it doesn't help that I am bottling my frustrations to avoid feeling like I am causing more harm and distress to you on top of what you're already going through... although it feels like I am sacrificing more for this relationship and doing more to try to repair what was broken while you run off with the man you cheated on me with...
I feel a deep sense of loss and betrayal.
What did I do to deserve this?
And what does it mean when you say you love me? What does it really mean? Because if you loved me it means I should have been enough for you...but it's clear I was not ..either too much or not enough for you to be loyal to me...not to cheat.
But you did. And you didn't hide it. Snaps with hickeys. Lies. Poor coverups.
You didn't care if I saw or if others caught on.
You didn't think about me.
You didn't think how I would feel all this when I found out or how painfully difficult it would be to try to rekindle our relationship when you keep taking actions that undermine any sense of trust or faith we have left.
What am I supposed to do?
Help me help you.
You can't abandon a relationship and think that everything's gonna be okay afterwards. That we will be able to just go back to the way everything used to be.
We cannot.
There has been serious damage done to my views on love and relationships and I'm am wary of committing to anything until I feel like things are more... conducive to a real relationship.
It's going to take a lot to rebuild trust and love between us.
I dont think you realize just how frustrating it can be when you default to throwing yourself away for the sake of "making things okay" when that's not even close to what I want or asked for.
That kinda makes ME feel like a shitty human being to even consider a situation where I am happy but my partner's needs/wants/desires are just trampled and forgotten. What kind of person does that? Why would I want that to be the groundwork and foundation for a relationship with anyone?
That does NOT make me happy. It does the opposite in fact. It makes me sad just thinking that you're just there being ignored and unfulfilled and unsatisfied.
Stop trying to sacrifice yourself for me. I dont want that.
You act like you throwing yourself off a cliff is doing me some kind of service. I dont understand what you think you're accomplishing doing this.
It does not help me, that's for sure. And it's not helping you in the long run either.
Im not here to use or take advantage of you.
I WANT to be equals. Stop trying to create this distance between us like it's only my happiness or yours. Why cant we both be happy together? I simply do not understand.
Am I the fool for letting this happen? Seven days with the man I was cheated on with.
How absolutely insane am I for not fighting this more?
I dont understand. I dont think im going to be able to relax or rest properly whatsoever for the duration of this.
Especially not with what I know now. Driving there and back together. Staying at his place. A week together. Him saying the things he did behind her back...
Is this really all that Im worth? Is this the love I deserve?
Im sorry, but I feel...so disappointed that you didnt do more to create distance between the two of you after you literally cheated on me with him.
He's not fucking asexual. He really fucking isn't.
But you choose to let the dumbest, most shitty people lead you around and somehow no matter what I do, how much I give or sacrifice or offer, no matter the time spent, I am not enough.
You demonstrate this time and time again by choosing him over me.
This is the final straw and if after all this you still choose him, I have no alternative but to walk away. I wont be second place in the life of the person who asked to marry me. I wont.
As much as it will kill me, perhaps literally, I can't take that, and I wont.
So here we are. The precipice upon which there is no return, no quarter, and no other choices remaining.
The ball is in your court. I hope I'm wrong about all this and that you will actually do what you promised but I get the feeling I am being played for a fool. Perhaps so are you, but after this that'll be your problem, not mine.
I already struggle to look at us the same. I can't help but imagine you naked with him, getting fucked by him. Kissing him. Leaving hickies down his neck. And those aren't figments of my imagination but things you've already done.
I feel angry. I feel hurt. Betrayed. I never imagined you of all people would cheat on me, after all the times we talked about loyalty...about how you've been cheated on before and what it felt like...
It just dont understand why. I can't understand why you can't just give this boy up for the sake of our entire fucking relationship and future.
Maybe that's my mistake though. Maybe i expected my partner to have some sense of loyalty to me. I guess I was wrong for thinking that I could be enough. That you could actually love me like you claimed you did.
I have no one to talk to about these things. No friends i can rely upon completely.
I have sacrificed so much and yet you get to go out with the boy you cheated on me with. You wont tell him the truth. You wont cut him off. You wont even tell him i fucking exist.
I am the dirty secret and I really dont think i believe that you love me.
I hope im wrong about that but you've not really given me any real reason to believe otherwise.
It almost feels like you're not actually trying to repair this relationship. You're just clinging to the pieces while chasing ways to hold on to him...not me.
You dont actually care how things affect me. If you did...you'd never have cheated on me in the first place. You'd have considered how all the time you've spent with him AFTER we discussed it all and how devastating it is to hear you spend more time with him than you do me.
Im chopped liver. Im the piece of shit. Im the one alone.
Not you.
Im the one who was hurt by this. You just seem to feel guilty that you got caught. I dont even know if I believe that you'd ever tell me you cheated if I hadn't found out myself.
Im just so frustrated.
I try so hard to be patient and kind and caring and open minded but it just feel like im being taken advantage of for as long as you refuse to provide concrete evidence that you're cutting him off or that you're not still emotionally involved with him.
Im tired. I really really fucking tired.
There is so much i dont say because I dont want to hurt you more and risk you fuckin' killing yourself because I told you how all this shit really makes me feel. I soften the blows and my words to try to lift you up while simultaneously using my own body and soul as your stepstool.
I dont feel appreciated. I dont feel loved. I dont feel respected. And it doesnt feel like you care enough to even recognize that or do anything about it.
This is it. This trip with Levy will either make or break the future of this relationship.
It is him or it's me. And I fear you've already chosen him without even consciously knowing or realizing it.
