I guess...I could curse my luck for all the things in my head or call myself a beautiful mess of genius and confusion held together by terribad puns and dry humor...

some nights, I can't hide the shaking of my hands or the racing thoughts or how my fingers dance over the keys, just typing and watching as words appear...words that I don't think of...it's like talking...you don't think about it...they just...they're just  there...

my heart pounds away, racing like an ambulance to a call...but i have this gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach as it churns like someone took a sledgehammer to my abdomen...

and I just start to hyperventilate and my jaw gets all clenched and I try to empty my head, but the only way to do that is to distract myself and so that's what I did...

but now it's almost 2am and I have so much work to do but I know i can't work at this hour so my only solution is to wake up early and try to do it...

that's if I wake up early and if I can do it and if i get it done in time and so many if's

and i know i refused to ever let those "what ifs" come back into my life but like an abusive partner the slip a jab in here and there when you drop your guard for a moment.

I don't know how i've gotten this far, being the mess that I am; all i know is that I wouldn't change who I am in spite of the mess I am.

I still see beauty in the world and in my frantic manner as I rush and race and scramble to get things done or to clean things up or whatever might be going on.

I don't know.

Today is just a strange day.

I knew what the consequences of my actions were...and i did it anyways...so I guess I chose this...