Anxiety

It feels as if a hand is tightening around my heart tonight. The anxiety in me has spiked.

There are probably many reasons for this...

But my heart throbs nonetheless and trying to swallow it isn't working tonight.

I know there is no one I trust yet with all that hides away deep inside...so I carry on til I find what I seek.

But I wonder. Could I be doing better? That's dumb. Of course I can...

But beyond that, am I being foolish and apathetic. Is that why I am where I am?

Is it high functioning anxiety that's constantly yanking me back now, rather than depression?

This nervous energy that makes me move, that makes me work as much as I can...the energy that drives me to spend most of my week busy, busy, busy just to keep my mind off my thoughts, as strange as it sounds...the energy that sends my fingers flying across the keys of my computer tonight...the energy that never ceases...the electric tingle, the gut wrenching stomach aches, the racing heartbeat, the pressure on my chest, the fact that my mind never shuts up...

there's always so much and it's such a blur, flying around inside me...and no one will know. I smile. I work. I laugh. I live. I love.

I am all those things, and it is, for the most part, genuine...but it is never all that I am...

But will there ever someone that knows me? Is there someone who understands my habits, my quirks, and picks up on the way I tap my foot when there's something on my mind or how I play with my hair when I try to calm myself down or how repetition takes my mind away or that I sing just to give myself something to do to avoid hearing it all bounce around in my head...

Maybe that's why I play that sleepy time playlist as I sleep, because without something to focus on, I get lost in my own mind...

Maybe...maybe...maybe...

anxiety