I hate how high pitch my voice is. My younger cousin has a deeper voice than i do and I sound like a squeaky fucking girl. Tonight's just one of those nights where i'm in a self-depreciating mood I suppose. I'm just angry at myself, and disappointed, and disgusted, and tired.

Sigh.

I just wanna be happy again. I want to find peace again, but I don't see that as a likely occurrence in the near future and I don't know if i'll make it to a "far" future...

I miss her company, even if she was a jerk from time to time. I liked sleeping next to her.

but i try not to dwell too much on that now.

It doesn't help to look back on what I voluntarily walked away from.

to my future lady,

if youre anything like me, youre laying in bed at 5am and asking yourself "when will I find the person who will make me feel safe enough to completely relax at night?"

youre probably tired and a bit lonely, but like me, you refuse to settle or be treated like shit anymore and yet, at the same time you just want to find your soulmate sooner rather than later.

i love you already, and i believe in us more strongly everyday.

why? because if we have come this far while still being apart, then i have no doubt that we can move mountains together.

we will find each other one of these days and i promise, when i find you, i will never let go.

you are worth it and dont you let the memories of your exes tell you otherwise.

the words of my exes haunt me too. it wasnt our fault. we did our best but they just werent the ones for us and that has nothing to do with our own effort or character. how they treated us is merely a reflection of themselves and not our hearts.

so hold on, my dear. we are one night closer to finding each other.

I love you.

(1)

times like these remind me of how alone i really am sometimes. i had one of my very lucid nightmares that only happen once or twice every few months but they always freak me out and usually are a result of suppressed thoughts and feelings etc or feel like some kind of warning.

usually, i would go to my s/o or best friend or close friend etc and just talk to them about it, but i realized i didnt have anyone i was close to like that.

it really does suck, trying to claw your way back up from your problems, at times.

i know it was for the best, but knowing i made the right choice doesnt make living with the consequences any easier.

there are some times in life that you just want a god damn bestfriend to tell shit to when you cant tell anyone else.

this is one of those times, it seems.

No one I've seen so far even rivals my ex...not even close...

How am I supposed to do this? How do I find and meet someone without feeling like I am settling cause I can't have someone like my ex but more respectful.

I think I will regret leaving her for the rest of my life. Even if I was able to focus more without the drama that seemed to constantly surround her, I feel she was my soulmate.

I just don't know what to do. I feel alone.

I just need a hug or someone to hold sometimes. Is that so much to ask?

Maybe it is.

I just feel down today.

it is a bad morning. i had a flashback of my ex when she was suicidial & i cant get that look i saw in her eyes out of my head. i nearly had a panic attack & almost broke down.

why is this so difficult? and why must i feel so damn guilty for trying to take care of myself? this isnt fucking fair. i just wanted to be happy/safe but i cant get her out of my head. i cant forget her smile or her giggles. i cant forget her pain or her fear. I cant forget what i told her & what she told me in return. i cant forget everything that happened.

i cant forget her. and it is tearing me apart little by little.

i still love her and desperately want her in my life. but i cannot do it all by myself & she stopped helping/sharing the load.

i left because i cant carry the weight of her world & mine all by myself all the time without her support.

and in the end, i felt like just another name to her. and thats how she treated me..

what a cruel & deceiving reality...you can be in love for years & walk away as strangers.

it is a wonder how i am not fully insane yet. carrying all that weight with me. knowing the stories of the broken & always being by their side as best i can but knowing in your heart of hearts even someone you loved and who, at some level, loved you back wasnt there for you the way you were for them...that in the end, they didnt share the weight with you. they just gave it to you & pretended like you were there solely for the purpose of carrying their burdens for the fun of it.

it hurts. and at some level it will always hurt me & will always be there in the back of my mind..

i dont trust people, & this is why, at least in part.

i cant open up & odds are there wont ever be someone who loves me like i need & want to be loved.

and i know that. i know it wont happen.

not everyone is so lucky to win the love of their goddess.

i had it and lost it all.

the most beautiful, smartest, funniest, sexiest, most amazing woman imaginable...and i let her go.

I feel like Jeriah or Naruto when it comes to love. Maybe I should have stayed. Beared the burden of my love for her...

No reward necessary right?

That's what I said. But she didn't listen to me or really respect me much.

And that hurt.

Was I wrong to walk away so soon? Did I make a mistake in my rash decision to leave her?

I was content to watch over her...did I get greedy and jealous that she wasn't paying me any heed?

I realize now I don't really have anyone left I trust. I really don't.

No one to submit my heart and secret self to.

I feel like a burden telling my problems or kookie fears and anxiety ridden thoughts to.

They don't need or want that stuff. Why would anyone want it?? I don't want my thoughts so why force others to experience them?

Ugh.


I'm starving.