i feel so much hatred. My mother tried to speak to me today as I was getting ready for my day. I was okay this morning, but her asking me to try to talk to her flipped my mania. All of my anger...all my rage began to surface. All the while i thought to myself how much the truth would destroy her if I spoke it...

She asked what I thought and i merely said that I "try not to".

two tears slipped out from the corners of my eyes as I listened to this song for the first time today.

Every word of it. Every note. Every rise and every fall of the music strikes the chords of my heart...of my soul.

The reason I am self-destructing is because I never let my demon out to play. I bury him deep down. I am terrified of him. I know he can kill me. I know he can kill anyone in my way. I know he is raw power. I have little control over him anymore so I leave him caged.

I can't fight anyone because I fear that if something happens and they flip my switch and my demon takes my place I would kill them...i would ruin my future. I would be responsible for so many deaths for I simply would not care. I would revel in the power i held over them

I could use my words to make them shake. I could infuriate them. I could use every bit of who they are against them. And then drive a blade between their ribs with a satisfied smile. I'd laugh as the blood dripped and they stared at me, shocked. The short nerd had lost his mind. He went insane.

They world sees me weak for not giving in to my monster. But I am one of the strongest, because I let the depression have me, not my rage. I hate my depression. But I love my anger.

It scares me how much I enjoy it. It's like feeding a fire and watching it grow and devour all around me. It's a whirlwind. A firestorm.

It's blood and glory.

It's uncontrolled. It's wild. It is raw. It's is unchecked. Unbalanced. Unnecessary. Unneeded.

It is my Demon. It is my Wolf. And I love him. And that is why I am strong.

Because I deny the thing I love. The thing I want. Because I know it will be the end of all other loves.

It would destroy and burn all that i see. It  is why i never fight. It is why I let myself be treated like a dog and not a Wolf.

It's why I hate the weak me. It's why I hate my own weakness, because I know i have so much strength and unfocused power.

I know i am no better than anyone else.

But my Demon wants me to think so.

I'm trying. I'm trying to control my Demon.

It'll kill me and all that I love if i don't.