Alone

i am in pain...intense, mind numbing pain and there is such an ache deep inside me and I cannot stop it. I am on the verge of tears yet again.

Everything i've buried wants to come out and it's got nowhere to go...so i just push it back down again and again...

I'm so cold...I just want to rest...i don't want to feel this way...it hurts. Like i've got a knife in my heart and someone's twisting it at random intervals. My face is stiff with a mix of dried and still dripping tears.

Someone...anyone...hold on to me...I'm lost and alone right now and I just don't want to think right now. I just want to be held and loved. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't want to feel alone anymore.

Please.

I need you, but I know you have your own life to live. You told me that I wasn't a part of your life anymore...I didn't deserve it.

 i can't expect anyone to fight for me except myself...

I need you, but I know not to ask anymore...I need and want you, but I don't feel welcome near you these last few weeks...and so i'm not gonna call, or ask or message or anything...I don't want to bother you anymore. I know I'm a bother. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know.

I know.

I hate knowing it but I know.

Bother. fuck up. stupid. Moron. Idiot. Stupid. Fool. I know all these names cause they are what I call myself already.

I've become a useless, boring, uninteresting fuck up and it's like there's nothing I can say or do to change it no matter how hard i try and keep trying.

I hate feeling like i have lost you. I hate losing every fucking person I actually care about.

I hate myself for not being enough. For not fighting harder when I had the chance to hold on to you.

But i'm too late now, aren't i. Too fucking late.

But it hurts so much. It hurts.

But I can't let go. I can't give up. I just can't. I would hate myself so much more for it.

Fuck i hate feeling so helpless...so weak.

I've written so many posts like this but i can't post them cause I refuse to hurt you with them. I know you read these and i can't hurt you. I'd rather let my unspoken words poison me than let my words poison you.

I am broken too...i am broken too.

I shouldn't post this. But it hurts so much. It hurts. I want to pull myself apart just to stop the pain.

This is what desperation feels like i guess. Bitter. empty. cold. Like old tears.

I'll keep hanging on...but please. Don't wait too long. It isn't easy to feel like I'm not wanted...and to want you all the same.

My head is pounding...I need to lie down and curl up. Maybe sleep will stop the pain. there's so much pressure in my head...

I just want a reason to try again.

I just want something to hold on to.

But i'm slipping down and away...

I'm reaching out but there are no hands left to grab me.

I am crying.

I don't want to die alone. I don't want to be alone.

Just...just don't lose hope or give up on yourself. please.

I'll be fine...i'm just tired...I'll be okay.

I'd say "don't worry about me"...but when I said that to my ex she replied "I don't."

I don't want to hear that from you too.

I'll go now...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry...

I just wish i wasn't so alone. I hate being so alone.


I'm alone. Why am I alone so alone?