Screw Depression

everyone is always "here"...but no one ever really is...

Screw depression. Especially late at night when you have homework to do...going to bed and ignoring my problems....yay.

ugh.

Batman: The Dark Knight

"Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They'll hate you for it, but that's the point of Batman, he can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice."


"You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I can do those things. Because I'm not a hero, not like Dent. I killed those people. That's what I can be."


"Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."


Batman: The Dark Knight

Can't believe i'm back

It's never gone.

I just bury it.

Bury what? Pain.

I'm Wolf, more now than ever.

I'd be dead if not for him. He's saved me from my own misery.

I managed to talk at least 3 or 4 people out of suicide last night, thank goodness...but i was up till 3am. Slept in till 11am.

Tonight is rough. Why?

I think too much sometimes...

Will i never find love again? I've let one girl go. But like i told her, she was the first, the last, the one, and the only girlfriend i would ever have. I am true to my word.

I have had so many people tell me they love me and said as much back to them, but they're not the one...they're not for me...they don't know me. They can't handle the dark in me.

I can't expose them to the fury of wolf or how merciless my heart can become.

Whoever it has to understand that i'm not the angel the world sees. That things get shitty sometimes for me.

I'm lose myself in the lives of others. I can talk them out of their pain. I was always good at talking.

Rereading the old posts...the old RPs...i almost can't bear it. But it's for my book.. i have to know...it saves time to just use what i've already written...but i end up rereading Lyra and Erin's love story...i can't...

Erin and Lyra may get a happy ending.

Some nights, i don't see myself having the same happy ending...i can write anything in a book.

My life's not a book. These girls i've met are great and all. But they dont' know me. They never will. Even if i told them my story...they've never seen me cry...never will hold me close.

I can't bear to have people touch my hair anymore.

But i am having trouble being alone too.

Someday...some friggin day.

Why did i ask for this?

Why did i choose to become this person? there's no real glamour in being "heroic". I understand now...that often, the hero is the most broken one of all. They only reason they're a hero is to keep others from breaking.

That's what i do.

Day and night.

And i write it on a defunct blog no one reads. Huzzah.

But I'm Wolf.

That's my legacy. I got what i want.

I got my legacy...to serve selflessly with a smile. To give everything and hold nothing back. To fight ferociously in defense of those in need, my loved ones and friends...to be loyal unto death, lest someone betrays me...i've become the man in the mirror...i have the power i asked for.

I'm cursed with a gift to feel, to love, and to know how to use my words.

To have to make the choice to give up a meal or sleep to ensure someone else has a breath left in their lungs TO eat another meal, or still have a beating heart in them to keep them dreaming...

I would do almost anything to save a life.

I failed once. I pray to never fail people again. To never return to the hell that whatever i am now was born in.

I'm different now. I don't know. But i am different.

I always was.

What am i writing??

I don't even know.

Dang.

There really should be a point to my ramblings, shouldn't there...?

If anyone reads this, sorry for wasting your time tonight.

I feel so helpless...a kid's gonna try committing soon...for the 7th time...she tried OD'ing but her mom found her before she died...she plans to go out and stand in front of a train as soon as she gets out of the hospital again...

And i have this sinking feeling...i can't stop her...i am gonna lose her...her dad beats her...but quietly so no one hears...if she tells someone he told her it would get worse...so she lives in fear...bullies tell her to kill herself...so she keeps trying...

I have trouble bearing the weight of the world.

Because that's what i do...each kid is a world unto themselves. And each one that comes to me entrusts their world to me...

Where is my peace? Where is true love? Where is the sign that it all works out in the end? Even if it works out badly?

Who will face the dark with me?

It's just me and Shadow i guess.

All those i met are still bound and breaking they are too unstable to ask for help with cases...the one i thought i could trust is a butt and too arrogant to accept when i am right...

I am the only one who, so far, has managed to handle dealing with all this...but how long can this go on?

Game: A poem by Wolf

It’s time to rhyme.

Game

Worthless rat,

Came to the one that hell had spat,

Back up and out.

Oh but do you pout?

You’re nothing like me,

Just wait and see.

Weak and slow,

Watch me grow.

You played your game,

With those who were lame.

Picked the broken souls

To advance your goals…

Picked a quiet soul

But I’ll burn a hole,

Right through your chest,

Cause you can’t best

A raging wolf, a warrior born

Whose love life is so forlorn.

You’ve got no chance,

To advance.

Back you go,

Into the cold and white of snow.

Get out you runt,

Cause now I’m blunt.

You lost my heart, you lost my trust,

Now go and rust!

Found the fire in my eyes,

And oh, surprise!

I’m a demon from hell,

But you could never tell!

Surrender to you, I will never,

Cause the fire burns forever!

I am free,

When you lost my loyalty.

Lies and swears,

So full of dares.

You took a chance,

Now let’s dance!

I’m a hound from hell,

Or can’t you smell,

The scent of death

Coming from my breath?

Lift you up and bring you down,

I’m the one with your crown.

Cast me in the part you were meant to play,

But it’ll be to your dismay!

Played a game,

Won the fame.

Stole their heart,

And broke it apart.

I’ll give back to them all,

What they lost, when you did fall.

I’m the wolf, battered and worn,

And scars do adorn

My weathered skin,

So above the din

HEAR ME HOWL.

HEAR ME GROWL.

Come to me and you will see,

What your death will be!

Called me a brother and then a liar,

Threw me to the burning fire.

I’m a creature of the flame.

I’m the one you cannot tame.

My hair awry,

You tried to make me cry.

Bring your worst,

I’ll break you first!

You won’t win,

Cause your lying’s a sin.

Back down now,

And I’ll show you how,

To forgive but never forget,

At least not yet,

Your wicked deed,

So you pay heed.

Get your selfishness out of your mind,

Or I’ll kick your stupid little behind.

Grow up a little,

Or you’ll be drowning in a wolf’s angry spittle.

Point the finger

Meet death bringer.

You’ve made me mad,

The opposite of glad.

Trust you?

And who?

Ha. I’ll give you pause,

And rend you with my claws!

Silly fool,

I’ve started to drool.

My eyes are bright,

At the sight.

You’ve made a mistake,

And now I take,

Your life in mine,

Cause fate’s divine.

Wolf is here and here to stay,

I’m about to take your pain away.

~Wolf 11/1/13 (8:18pm EST) 

Night: A Poem by Wolf

"Night"


Dark as night,

Take to the fight.

Under my heel I will grind,

The demons of the mind.

Death is not the darkest dream,

Because what I've seen would make you scream.

Lights too bright,

So in the dead of night,

We carry on, until we're gone.

Living the life

Of struggle and strife.

God's my strength, and love's my power.

I fight on till the final hour.

I was one of the lost

But I’ve grown up learning the cost,

Of pain and fear,

And losing the ones we hold dear.

I won't lay down,

I will turn your frown upside down.

I'll take your pain,

And help you gain,

The life you were meant to live,

Cause that was what I was meant to give.

I’m the wolf, and i rule the night,

And for you i fight,

All you broken souls,

And all your lost goals.

This is who I am,

And I don’t' give a damn.

I'll take the demons out,

With a growl and a shout.

I'm your Wolf and I fight the demons of the darkest way,

So you can live another day.

~Written by Wolf on 10/24/13 @ 2:13am    

Never gone...forever gone

Hey. I'm back. Why? I'll 'splain.


Never gone...the dark never left. It' hides under my steely gaze, and hardened heart. Today i felt its touch as i was buried under cases. I was alone. But strong enough to carry on. But i wanted someone to help share the burden with me...but then i'd be a burden myself to them...they had things to do...

Forever gone...the innocence, the time spent depressed and suicidal...my life as an innocent teen...i've lived too many lives in too short a time...being an empath is both a gift and a curse...


i tried explaining who and what Wolf was...and what it's like to have been at war with your own spirit...and what it's like to be two in one...and yet, still one...but at times two...

Wolf and I are like that...but she was busy...distracted...and somewhat concerned...of course it worries people. they don't understand...

i'm an abomination some nights...like tonight...i took care of a 29 year old woman...the heck...how is that even possible...she's got a decade on me...

What am i? Man and Wolf united...am I some sort of abomination? I became the man in the mirror...the man of my story...I have become, or almost completely become Erin Bartholomew Wolf...

Man in the mirror

 HIIIII!!!!


I AM BACK!!!

Sorry i've been on hiatus for so long folks!

I've started a Self-help blog for mentally ill teens at: http://wolfswall.blogspot.com/

I also run a weather forecasting site...

And i'm doing a lot better. No longer depressed or suicidal or anything like that.

I counsel a lot of folks via social media and stuff.

I had a great time this saturday with my first paid job and hanging out with my friends and stuff.

Wolfgirl and I are no longer together, after she dumped me soon after college began. I don't hold it against her and i've definitely moved on. I use the lessons shes taught me to become a better person and what a girl needs in order to feel loved, as well as what I need/want in a relationship. Armed with that knowledge I return to my war against depression and bullies and use love as my weapon to cut through the darkness that seeks to suffocate the souls of the broken.

While wolfgirl may be a big part of my inspiration, but that doesn't mean I can't let go of her.

Cro's been super awesome as she gave me a shout out on tumblr and asked her followers to follow me! ^.^

Making friends and having fun this year. Seems like God's on my side and guiding me along my journey :D


I hope to submit/send my Road to Knighthood Application very soon! Hopefully i'll be accepted as an Esquire of The International Fellowship of Chivalry Now (i'd become a knight once I turned 21).

That's one of my dreams.

Another dream's to learn guitar, which my RA said he'd be willing to teach me...and he literally lives in the room next to mine. I plan to learn how to sing/play Between the Raindrops by Lifehouse.

And i have a dream to make a difference in the world, and I'm doing that now...with my blog and my weather website, and all the people i've taken care of and helped and inspired...

I am becoming the man in the mirror.

Hero.

I'm gonna fight for what's right

Today I'm speaking my mind

And if it kills me tonight

(I will be ready to die)

A hero's not afraid to give his life

~Hero by Skillet

_________________________________________________________________________________
The world needs your Strength.
The world needs your Courage.
The world needs you to be a 'Hero.'

Our world already has far too many 'Villains.' Our world already has too many people who are content to just watch Injustices and Wrongs be perpetrated against others and do absolutely nothing about it. Come to think of it....that's a pretty good definition of what a 'Villain' really is in my book. (http://chivalrynow.createforumhosting.com/be-your-own-hero-revisited-t2815.html#p19136)

_________________________________________________________________________________

Maybe we never chose to be heroes.

Maybe we never wanted to be one.

Maybe we were picked for that very reason.

Cause we know what it feels like to be down and out.

Cause we know what it's like.

And people need to know that we know.

If they follow you...if they trust you...then lead them well and be the example for them to learn from.

The will never learn any other way.

They've got to see you live it.

There is no other way.

You want to save them.

So learn how to save yourself first...

everything's a lesson. So live, learn, and then, maybe you can save them.

It's all i've got.

If they trust you...don't break theirs like i broke yours.

The songs of the night...

In time we'll see the past unwind,

Alive, still wandering our fallen land,

One more time we stare into the blackened sky,

For tonight, in our hearts now we feel,

One last time see our destiny revealed.

...

Once alone again, silent stares for our last journey home.

~Last Journey Home by Dragonforce

When you’re drawn to the ground by the dragons

Would you raise up your head, would you gaze at the sky

When you’re drawn to the ground by the dragons

Would you raise up your head, would you cry

And all the wicked prisons that they built inside your mind

...

But you’re stronger than they are

~Dragons by Stratovarius

I never really cared until I opened my eyes.

The final day awaits, and the firestorm's getting closer

Under falling stars we will seal our fate for eternity.

...

I hold my breath and wait 'til the end

~Unbreakable by Stratovarius

Time goes by

But you can't rest

Too many things

And you're obsessed

Trying to find

Some sense to it all

No-one knows what you've been through

Like no-one cares

But it's not true

Turn the page

And make a fresh start

When you are low

You should know

You are not the only lonely soul

And you will find

The strength inside

There is no more need to hide

Just carry on

Fullfill your dreams

Don't let them try to pull you down

So carry on

Don't give up

March on till the end

The road is long but you'll reach the final bend

~Just Carry On by Stratovarious

Finals

This is a fun, and rather nice metalized version of the theme from Braveheart. I've been...listening to it a lot, lately. It's nice.




Hello everyone,

So, I've got finals coming up in the next few weeks and they will mark the end of my first year in college.

Wish me luck!

Ode to the broken

Ode to the Broken


To all the hurting, broken souls out there,
To all the men and women fair,
And all the children who are drowning in despair,
I want you to know that you're not alone.
We hear you moan,
And when you groan,
Cry and scream,
And know how fitfully you dream.

We're here for you,
To see you through,
From dark to light,
We stand and fight,
By your side,
Until the battle's tide,
Has turned for the best.
So, till then, we shall not rest.

Your pain so real,
So sharp, we feel,
Like a blade to the back,
To us, it's a personal attack.
It cuts us to the core,
And drives us to fight the injustice forever more.

We are men, and boys,
Girls with poise,
Women with strength,
And all who go to such great length,
To know you're safe,  happy, and well.

Your names, we know not,
But with our souls, we have bought,
The chance to bring you home again,
So that then,
You may tell the tale,
From here to Yale,
That hope is not yet lost,
That even freedom has it's cost!

The price was paid in blood, word and deed,
By men, women, and children who heed,
The meaning of an old Code,
Whose great mystery sowed
In their head and in their heart,
The seeds of a brand new start.

Chivalry is not dead!
It lives here, and there, and in your head!
As long as we remember, live, and breathe,
There still exists the chance to believe,
In good things, people, and fate;
In light against darkness and destructive hate.

So when you look for that deadly pill,
The razor that sits on the sill,
And when your eyes fill with tears, sadness, and grief,
May this poem and ode, fill you with belief,
That somewhere,
Out there,
People. Still. Care.

So don't you dare,
Give up just yet.
Don't be so upset.
Things can change,
And when they do,
You'll be glad that you're the one who,
Is still alive to see the dawn of that new day,
And are still able to say,
Life's not so bad,
But you've got to understand that Life's a mix of things, both happy and sad.

We're here for you.

Look for us.

We're Knights of the heart and mind.

We live to serve the people of the world.

To speak true words.

To protect the weak from those who'd abuse them.

To give to those who have less than we, even if all we have is our smile to offer them.

We are not so lost from time as books may suggest.

We are the ones who hold the door,
And give to the poor.

We speak out against the tyranny of the world.

We chose to live with nothing more than the belief that doing good for its own sake is reward enough for us.

To respect men and women, as partners, as equally capable members of society.

To reach out to any and all who lose hope, who need to smile, who are hungry, abused, and used.

We are here for you.

All you need to do is believe.

And if you ever need a little help...

Look for us. We're here to help you.

~Written by Wolf at 12:11pm EST (4/15/2013)

http://www.chivalrynow.net/

http://chivalrynow.createforumhosting.com/

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Fight for your life.

You gotta fight

Fight for your life

Until you die

Fight for your life

(2:04 is where you should start listening)

>sigh

I gotta fight. Fight for my life. Until I die. I gotta fight for my life.

Why is it so easy for her to flip that little switch that makes my day from good to bad? Why do I love them so darn much that I let myself suffer like this?

Mom. Please...Stop.

I swear...one day i'll just lose it...i'll let it out and yell at you telling you how you and dad's words cut me so deep i've slipped into depression and had suicidal thoughts last winter...that the pain and damage i've taken prompted me to actually talk to a psychologist for weeks...that i might go back to her next week cause you just shook me up again...jiggled the arrow in my heart enough to make me gasp, but i am still breathing...still fighting the monster inside.

I'm still here, mother. But one day I won't be. What then? Will you still play these games? Will you still think this so important? Or will you miss me for who i really was?

Think on it. Cause i'm more than you know, mother. I'm more than what you see.

I'm still fighting.

The dead and gone

As i was walking towards my first class of the day, i saw something on the concrete near the door...a Cedar Waxwing lay dead before my feet. I looked around, but the only thing i could think of was that it'd hit the windows of the building and plummeted to the hard concrete below...almost certain death for a creature with hollow bones...

i took some pictures, ran inside, grabbed a whole bunch of paper towels and carefully moved the poor thing off the sidewalk, for fear that someone may step on it...only adding to the sad tale...it now lays under a tree silent, alone, and still.

Rest in peace, friend.

Unleashed.

It's time, to rhyme.

Darkness haunts the weakened one
But only a fool would turn and run.
Let the black come for me,
For it will see,
The flash of teeth,
And what's beneath,
This gentle facade',
For none would trod,
where the wild wolf does roam.
From sandy shores to marshy loam,
I will hunt the dark and force it down,
For I will grin with a maddened frown.
"Come to me and you will see,
Just how easy it will be,
For me to rend and rip and tear,
from your toes to your hair.
Hahaha, all of you, do beware!"

Wild and fierce,
His poetry does pierce,
The darkened veil,
Which made him pale,
For it would cloud,
And continue to shroud,
His true soul,
Within which was a dark hole.

This is the Wolf,
And with his word,
He makes himself heard,
And through pen or keys,
This is what one sees,
When he refuses to argue, stand or fight,
Those he cares for,
Because those are things he does abhor.
He'd rather write than continue the fight,
Even if it's only him,
Lost in the dim,
Light of his head,
But it keeps his brain from going dead

Indeed,
His words have freed,
His heart and soul,
To cavort and cajole,
Through the merry pages
And over the ages,
Of this little, quiet blog,
As his sharpened words slice through the fog.

But it's getting late,
And his anger, well it has decided to abate,
And time slows for none,
Not even this lupine one,
And so, without further ado,
I, the Warrior Wolf, bid you Adieu.

-Composed by "Wolf" On 3/14/13 and completed at 10:08pm



*Note: I wasn't actually angry at anyone...i was just angry...the latter part of the day, or evening as it were, didn't go too well, and it wasn't exactly something(s) i could control, but should've had control over in the first place to prevent dumb stuff like this ( what occurred) from happening, but oh well. I got the venom and anger out of my system.

Thanks for reading the poem guys (and girls!).

I oft use poetry to spontaneously vent my emotions and just get them out of me so they don't poison me...I also happen to be able to rhyme unconsciously in times of increased/strong emotions, though in "vent poetry" i do mostly rhyme instantaneously, but there are a few times when the word i spewed out simply didn't have a decent rhyming counterpart and would nee replacing. This is all original work, made up on the spot.

:)

Opening doors we should've left closed.

To Wolfgirl:

Please. Please, don't bring up my past failures again...not when i'm having a good day. Please?


It hurts and reopens all those old wounds and doors i tried to lock shut till i knew how to deal with them, but you cut the locks and threw 'em all open letting the monsters back out and they found me there, happy...but they couldn't have that, could they?

They pulled me down and showed me everyone i'd let down...told me how awful of a leader and role model i am for abandoning my friends. I was there to teach them and learn from them.

I won't draw it out, i won't complain, i'll try to keep myself sane, but please don't open the doors i ask you to leave closed. No means no. Let them be. I'll deal with my troubles one day at a time, baby. Not all at once and not on the eve of a good day.

I know you were trying to help. And that's good to want to help, but helping involves listening, and when i said no, you said yes and went ahead and kept talking about things i would've rather left unsaid right then.


No, there's nothing to be upset about, cause i know you can take things personally and feel like you're the cause of it all.

That's not true.  The cause is not at all you, it was the memories that resurfaced unexpectedly that shook me up and made me shut down.


Next time though, please respect me and our bond, and when i say "no", please, just go with it unless it's absolutely necessary for my immediate survival that you keep going. Okay?

Talking things out is the best way to get along, but not when i'm raving mad, hon.

That's a BAD idea. I'll just gurgle up some bitter idiocy. So the best thing is to gently comfort me, but if it's not working, just give some breathing room.

We guys are like that. We sometimes prefer just dealing with our own problems and then returning to the ones we love.

Okay? It'll be alright. I just thought you should know, so you aren't worried or upset all day.

Healing?

I tried...

I tried wolfgirl...for you...

I emailed my folks with the application for the Reptile/Amphibian Day event...

I want to get out of this dark place...i want to be free of the dark...i want to live...

Live like i did before...but even more...

I NEED TO ESCAPE....

I need to be free...

I need my friends...jolly, ed, mel, john, nick, patrick, seraphina...i need to be whole...

I need to see all the people at the event...i need to stand up with an animal in my hands and live, love, and laugh...i need to be me...and me lives in the halls of that museum...

I need to go there and get it back...

I split...yes...among the people i love...

My folks/home life, my friends/museum, and you...

All these places demanded something of me, and in my depressed and hurt state i broke into pieces....

i want to heal...need to heal...

this is part of that healing...

Wish me luck please?

I  hate me.

It's simple really.

I hate being me because "me" gives too much of himself...he's a stupid, idiotic, naive, selfless fool.

I try so hard to make people happy, and safe, and stay alive.

I believe the reason i live is to give up what I've got to heal others.

My best friends are really busy these days.

The me people "knew" is dead, so why don't they give it up already?

He DIED over last Winter. It's over. I'm different now. You people love him. Not me.

Remember him well. Forget me quick.

There's a man on the other side, and he's you. You are not words, and you never will be. Not to me. 

Maybe there was someone on the other side...once. He's dead. He's gone. Actions speak louder than words. I've done nothing. And talked much. Words mean little, while deeds do much. Read your own emails and chats. Read your words. You make me out to be less than real.

I'm just some stupid kid, who had a dream, and sits on his laptop and tries to help people with just words. I give hope to men and keep none for myself. 

I am no one. Nothing. Great. I'm in college. I have practically no friends. Okay? Ellington's great. He's in Maryland though...and he's busy most of the time. Melissa? Well, she's busy too.

They are/were my two best friends.

Who am i? Huh? What the heck do i do that makes a difference around here? 

Don't tell me "you touch everyone you've met". That's nice and all. It' doesn't DO anything.

No one cares about the pain i feel. No one can carry it. It's mine. 

I hate weakness and that's what i've become. Weak.

What kind of a joke of a life do i live? Hmm?

I'm pissed off

Okay? 

But hey? It's just a blog. You should never take anything i write here seriously, right? That's how it works? There are just words...they don't matter do they? 

Arrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhh!

I hate...i don't even know...i just hate...

Okay? So i'm a terrible person. I suck at relationships. I'm a hopeless idiot fool who's good for nothing..

Now just...forget about me. 

Forgotten? Good.

Cause this isn't the person you loved.

He's dead.

This is the new me. It's a piece of crap. 

Happy 2013.

[created on 2-13-13 but never posted]

Enough.

Enough, i've had enough. I'm tired and angry and upset and i just don't want to care.

Sorry, Wolfgirl. It's not you, it's me. Without you, i'm not sure where i'd be, but i will not bow, at least not now, and i'll carry on until the end, if only because the alternative might offend. So i've lost it again, but it will never end, i'm nuts, crazy and insane, oh why must my head and heart be so humane? My care is killing me and the ones i love, but if peace is a dove, it's flown away today...

Help?

I don't get it.

I just give it.

Let me go. Please. For your own good. Let me go. This is gonna destroy you. It already is. Not physically, but mentally/emotionally.

I forgive maddy. There i said it. She was right. I'm a lousy boyfriend. Huzzah. Everyone loves being right.

Go please. Go enjoy life and everything in it. I don't think i'm meant to be a part of it anymore.

This isn't working.

[unfinished post from 2-25-13]

The red pill or the blue one?

So, i almost died yesterday...

I nearly overdosed on Ibuprofen...dad said take 800mg...for some reason, my addled brain just heard 8...

So, i took 8 pills...before i realized that was four too many...

So dad called the poison control center and we learned that 1600mg is HALF the amount the body can handle in 24hrs...the max is 3200mg, or 16 pills...

[unfinished post from an unknown date]

blog about blogs?

i'll be honest...there are so many blog "drafts" on here that i just never publish. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings...i don't want to scare anyone...

just ...know that i leave a lot unpublished cause it's better for everyone that way...

[shrugs]

You all don't need to hear that crap anyways...i usually post the more...er...calm blog posts...

the rest just sit and rot in the draft pile...


sorry if this offends people...

Four words.

i hate being me.

Courage.

Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die.

-Gilbert Keith Chesterton

So, tonight i will rant because someone declared me a coward. They have never really met me and we have never really talked. They judged me based on the stories and words of just one other. They are also morally corrupt and disloyal to those around them.

I say, here and now, they have no right and no moral authority with which to call me a coward with.

I challenge the person to come forth and, to my face, declare me coward and state their reasons. If after i give them my rebuttal, to my satisfaction, they still believe me a coward and believe that i am deserving of their hate, then that is fair and fine by me, though i'd like them no better than before, if not less, and i don't like them now.

They may be wolfgirl's "best friend", but they are no friend of mine.

They are as bad as the bullies who judged me when i was little...they knew me not and judged me for a fool and weakling.

I am neither.

So come, friend of wolfgirl's. Meet me and face the one you named coward.

I will not have my name tarnished by a child who has not the courage herself to insult me in person without know one whit of my true nature.

Fie on thee, child. Fie on thee. You are nothing but a hypocrite. Face me and prove yourself! Why do you insist on shaming yourself and those who know you by acting so foolishly?

I am not perfect, not by a long shot...but at least I know where my loyalties lie and can be trusted to be fair and decent.

Humph.

Next time you call someone a coward, kid? Pick someone who's actually cowardly.

I fight for the people. 

What do you fight for?

[created 2-21-13 but never posted]

I'm scared now.

Scared. That's all i can say. Terrified...i don't want this...don't want any part of it...how could i have known this would happen? I was just trying to cope. Just trying to survive and now i'm loco.

Gosh...i'm scared.

Hug me? Someone? Please? Anyone? Just tell me i'm gonna be okay?

Rise of Wolf

From the depths of my soul, from the dark of my heart, rises the howl of my inner wolf and my mask.

I wear a mask, though you see nothing on my face. I am strong when all others are weak.

I stand in the dark, one foot in and one foot out.

The wolf calls.

Deep and strong. The howls sound in the dark and there's nothing that stops them. Embrace the wild. Feed the power. Grow stronger. Don't mind pain. Don't mind hurt. Breathe it in and cough it out. You can't be stopped. You can't be still. You're spirit grows restless now, as it's been challenged.

When pain comes your way, you close your heart up, and lower the gates. Nothing in and nothing out.

It's time to rhyme.

Wolf who howls,
Wolf who growls,
Rise up and fight
With me tonight.
The battle begins
I'll be the one who wins.

I will not break and will not bow.

I am the wolf who howls.
I am the wolf who growls.
Lay down tonight,
Cause you can't fight,
Someone like me.
So turn and flee
Before his glee.

You will fall and you will fail,
As we being to spin this tale.


With each and every fight,

The darkness grows weak by day and strong by night,

He's never satisfied and never silent.
Gnawing,
Pawing,
Growling,
Howling.
Wolf is here and here to stay.
Oh wolf, come take the pain away.



Dead of night can bring you fright,
But to him it's home.
And even though we are alone,
We have each other, he and I.
So chase my fears,
And dry my tears.
Wolf is here and here to stay.
Oh wolf, come take the pain away.

When the fear comes near,
And when pain makes gain,
Who holds me tight
And banishes all my fright?
The wolf will be
Right there inside of me.

So come out and play,
Destroyers of the pleasant day,
Demons of the darkest way,
Monsters of the mind,
And the spirits of similar kind.

Wolf is here and here to stay.
Oh wolf, come take the pain away...

Sick

So...i feel sick...everywhere...inside...and out...And...i feel cold... So cold...


My body aches...my back feels awful...my head hurts...i feel cold...so cold...

I feel empty inside...tonight.

I feel broken and weak...and this stupid physical illness is getting to my head...pushing me...harder and harder...I don't want to care tonight...just don't...don't want to think, to feel, to fight...i just want to lie down and hope things are better without me screwing things up...

Home...

Hello everyone,

Wolf here again, and i apologize for it taking so long to post something here again...

But i've got an interesting topic (at least, it's interesting to me...)...

Fires in forestry...so, i just got out of my Forestry 252 class and my professor and I had an interesting discussion about using fire to control invasive species within the state (plants mainly)...

He was saying how the fires help clear out the understory of wood brush (if done in late spring/early summer), because the plants use a tremendous a amount of carbohydrates in order to "revive" themselves from the dead of winter. Using controlled burns in this window causes the plants to burn up and use MORE of their stored energy, leaving less for surviving the winter and the subsequent summers...and that, over the course of several years, or even decades, this will destroy the woody shrubs in the understory and encourage more native species to reclaim the land (like the red cockated woodpecker and long leaf pine)...

Now, using what i know on invasives, i began to theorize that, because these species come from similar, but NOT identical climates, they can handle our temps/rainfall etc....but, for the longest time, we've restricted burning of the forests in this state...making the understory, thicker, denser, and easier for bugs/diseases/viruses/invasives to spread from tree to tree...

Well, most plants/animal become used to a specific range of values (temps) and conditions (rain/weather/amount of sunlight etc.)...so mix it up! Throw a curve ball into their "sniffer" (Sorry...that's in reference to a story wolfgirl shared the other evening...you know i love you Wolfie <3  )

Make this darn invasives fight our REAL state...let 'em burn...make 'em struggle and bleed for every inch of ground they try to gain in my home state!

I wonder if i could convince some one to do a study on this? It's quite intriguing to me, as i love studying invasives, ecology...EVERYTHING (almost?)...and this solution avoids using chemical solutions being doused everywhere, limits the amount of manpower needed on the ground, and is natural...it's SUPPOSED to be happening...we just...suppress it...


ANYWAYS...

Naturalist ran over...

Blog-y stuff...

So, yeah...it seems my folks are really gonna do it this time...build a house out in MD...not from the ground up, mind you, but picking out some finishing touches and editing a few rooms...using existing plans and just modifying them to what we need...

I dunno...it's kind of exciting...they've seemed to have narrowed it down to two neighborhoods even...just 20min from dad's work...

One of 'em has AT LEAST two acres of woods around it...the other, not quite as wooded, but has a ravine in the back and would be a bit of a bigger house...and either one would be bigger than where we are now (and i don't think our home is small...)...

I dunno, it's exciting, it's scary...it's new...but...i am almost....dare i say it? Looking forward to seeing this new place and the woods that come with it...

>GASP

WOLF? Did you just say you are looking forward to the new house?? 

Yes, conscience, i might actually be getting over the loss of my first, TRUE home...the foxes in the back, the spiders in the woods...the ants in the lawn (and the mole/shrew)...and  Shelly (e. box turtle that goes through the yard every year), and the birds and bats and lizards and snakes...

Gosh, i love my home state...i mean, i know i'm not leaving...but...not having a "home" is kinda rough...

I mean..dorm life is fine and all...but it's a room... you walk out and it's a cold, drab hall, and people you may or may not like all around...and you can't lean over the rails and bother your youngest sister, or bug your dad, and you won't get to see your other sister quietly slip on your dad's dress shoes while he looks around for them not realizing she has them on...you can't take your dad's iphone and have a conversation with Siri, or listen to your mom chew out that idiot telemarketer on the phone...you wont be able to hug your mom once or twice each day...or enjoy her potato salad, steaks, tomato/mozzarella salad, or bruschetta, or garlic bread, or chili...

Home...warm, filled with the smells of good food on the stove, and sometimes a good movie...laughter and smiles...the place i could tinker with just about anything (kind of...cause my folks wouldn't trust me to tinker TOO much :P ) could step outside and sit with the foxes...or go hike by the creek...hoot with owls...

Home...the place i love...

Home...the place i'm really gonna miss...

Home...is...home...and there's no place like it...and no one like the people in your family.

i don't know what...

Sigh...so i needed to focus, cause my head's awash with too many thoughts so i pulled out the tried and true "Batman" music collection...that and Breaking Benjamin...

Let's talk, shall we? Lovely.

Who am I? What am I? And why do I care?

First, I am Wolf (not using my real name...).

Second, I am: short, stubborn, easily confused, good at thinking on my feet, inventive, creative, ingenious (have ingenuity), inventive...a warrior in mind, if not yet body. I take inspiration from Batman. Why?

Batman. A simple man with as simple desire. Serve and protect his people.

I am much the same. I seek to serve and protect MY people...

Who are MY people?

My people are: My loved ones (family/friends etc.), and those who cannot defend themselves...those who NEED someone to pull them up and fight the dark for them.

WHY? Why do i care about them?

Once, i would say that I do not know...today is different.

I care because i have a responsibility to do so. They are my people because, from the dark, i can lead them back. I can harness my own inner feelings, my desire to right the wrongs...my desire to be more than just a mere man...but i am not even that yet, am i? I am a boy...Foolish and young...i'd say untrained and untested...but i HAVE been trained AND i HAVE been tested...maybe not as much training as i'd like, but trained nonetheless...

I can help them. I can. I know it. I have seen it is possible...but sometimes people need more...sometimes they need more...

I don't know what it is that i am saying...i'm just writing...cause i'm stressed...

I'd say i don't know why i am stressed but that'd be a lie...

But it doesn't matter...little does sometimes, well, when i get like this...

But i think i enjoy it...aye...working myself...summon "Wolf" forth to fill me with his energy...his strength...

But what to do with it?

I just don't know...

I want to let it out...i want to find something to focus every. single. iota. of my body on and i want to utterly defeat it...i need to pit myself against IT...something...i don't know what, okay?

i give up...for the night...i submit to the darkness inside and let it have it's fun for a while...

This song...

This song...just listen to it...i've got it on loop tonight...i love it...

Another day, another story

I'm kinda sad that Wolfgirl's site, Dark Fantasy Mania, seems to be on its way out...

I want to try to bring it back, if for nothing else but to make her happy...cause that's her baby...she built it up, designed it, and then set it out for people to join and enjoy...

I guess i screwed things up for it too, having to "leave" several times for various reasons...


So, i guess i might as well try to help bring it back...

Anyways, i enjoyed her company a lot last night, especially when i began "singing" lines from Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams", particularly the part about "I walk alone".

Now, obviously, it was all in jest, cause i quite clearly love Wolfie, but her response was something that reminds me just why i fell in love with her in the first place... what do i mean? Well, here, take a look...

Wolfgirl: STILL HERE

STAGGERING ON

Wolfgirl: THROUGH THE IMPOSSIBLE

WE REMAIN

Wolfgirl: I CAN BREATHE

ONE MORE DAY!

me: I walk alone, I walk alone...

Wolfgirl: STILL HERE!

me: i walk alone, I walk a

:P

Wolfgirl: YOU WALK WITH ME, YOU DUNCE!me: you know i love you :D

So yeah, that's the song i was referring to, just cause i'd recently stumbled across it in my Grooveshark...since she'd added it to my music...

Anyways, those quirky moments we have together are ones that i really value in our relationship, because i find them to be a trait rather unique to her/one that i really enjoy in her...maybe because i know it's all in jest and that we really do care a lot about one another, we can get into what others have aptly named "bickering like an old couple"...

It's FUN though!!

I dunno why, it just is. It's nonsense that has no meaning and no point but ends up reinforcing our bond...i don't know how it works either...but it does...

But i also know that, even though most of the time we just goof off together, this girl is smart and kind and i can talk to her seriously when i need to an i know she'll be there for me, just as she knows i'll be there for her.

It's a beautiful thing we've got going here, i think.

It took 1yr & 3mo, but heck, when you can survive the crap we have and STILL love one another, i think that says something.

Sure, we're not perfect, and we DO have our differences, but i think, with the time we have before things go too much farther in our relationship, we'll have a good deal figured out and we'll really have a good understanding of each other.

NOW...for a story

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/l/lawnchairlarry.htm

Lawn Chair Larry...the fellow wants to get a bird's eye view of his neighborhood...so, he grabs his lawn chair, a six-pack of beer, a sand which, and...a pellet gun.

WHAT? What's he need a pellet gun for?

Let me interject with this little tidbit saying that a single weather balloon can lift ~3o pounds if you try to fill it over halfway...

Back to the story...

Larry decides to tie...no, not one, but 45 weather balloons for the nearby arm surplus store...and decided that he'd tie them to his lawn chair and use water jugs as ballast.

 Hey, you might get hungry/thirsty up there sooo, he took the six-pack and the sandwich up with him.

Well, how do you get down? Simple, that's what the pellet gun is for!

So, the fellow has these 45 weather balloons strapped to his little lawn chair...and he wants to go up just a few hundred feet, hang around for a bit and then come back down. Simple right?

Well, to the man's surprise, when he cut loose to float up, he didn't go a hundred feet. Nope, not even two hundred feet...

Yeah, disappointing i know...

HE WENT UP TEN THOUSAND FEET.

Yeah, you read that correctly. 10,000 ft high in the sky...that's a wee bit high, don't ya think?

Anyways, so this guy's stuck up there in the sky wondering what the heck to do when he gets spotted by commercial aircraft heading into Los Angles International Airport that decided to call in "Passing a man in a lawn chair...with a gun...". Well eventually the guy came down, popping his balloons with that little pellet gun and ended up getting the balloons caught in powerlines which blacked out part of LA...

FAIL...

Eventually the authorities got him down and he was promptly arrested...

:P

Hope y'all liked the story!


Arete'