Can't believe i'm back

It's never gone.

I just bury it.

Bury what? Pain.

I'm Wolf, more now than ever.

I'd be dead if not for him. He's saved me from my own misery.

I managed to talk at least 3 or 4 people out of suicide last night, thank goodness...but i was up till 3am. Slept in till 11am.

Tonight is rough. Why?

I think too much sometimes...

Will i never find love again? I've let one girl go. But like i told her, she was the first, the last, the one, and the only girlfriend i would ever have. I am true to my word.

I have had so many people tell me they love me and said as much back to them, but they're not the one...they're not for me...they don't know me. They can't handle the dark in me.

I can't expose them to the fury of wolf or how merciless my heart can become.

Whoever it has to understand that i'm not the angel the world sees. That things get shitty sometimes for me.

I'm lose myself in the lives of others. I can talk them out of their pain. I was always good at talking.

Rereading the old posts...the old RPs...i almost can't bear it. But it's for my book.. i have to know...it saves time to just use what i've already written...but i end up rereading Lyra and Erin's love story...i can't...

Erin and Lyra may get a happy ending.

Some nights, i don't see myself having the same happy ending...i can write anything in a book.

My life's not a book. These girls i've met are great and all. But they dont' know me. They never will. Even if i told them my story...they've never seen me cry...never will hold me close.

I can't bear to have people touch my hair anymore.

But i am having trouble being alone too.

Someday...some friggin day.

Why did i ask for this?

Why did i choose to become this person? there's no real glamour in being "heroic". I understand now...that often, the hero is the most broken one of all. They only reason they're a hero is to keep others from breaking.

That's what i do.

Day and night.

And i write it on a defunct blog no one reads. Huzzah.

But I'm Wolf.

That's my legacy. I got what i want.

I got my legacy...to serve selflessly with a smile. To give everything and hold nothing back. To fight ferociously in defense of those in need, my loved ones and friends...to be loyal unto death, lest someone betrays me...i've become the man in the mirror...i have the power i asked for.

I'm cursed with a gift to feel, to love, and to know how to use my words.

To have to make the choice to give up a meal or sleep to ensure someone else has a breath left in their lungs TO eat another meal, or still have a beating heart in them to keep them dreaming...

I would do almost anything to save a life.

I failed once. I pray to never fail people again. To never return to the hell that whatever i am now was born in.

I'm different now. I don't know. But i am different.

I always was.

What am i writing??

I don't even know.

Dang.

There really should be a point to my ramblings, shouldn't there...?

If anyone reads this, sorry for wasting your time tonight.

I feel so helpless...a kid's gonna try committing soon...for the 7th time...she tried OD'ing but her mom found her before she died...she plans to go out and stand in front of a train as soon as she gets out of the hospital again...

And i have this sinking feeling...i can't stop her...i am gonna lose her...her dad beats her...but quietly so no one hears...if she tells someone he told her it would get worse...so she lives in fear...bullies tell her to kill herself...so she keeps trying...

I have trouble bearing the weight of the world.

Because that's what i do...each kid is a world unto themselves. And each one that comes to me entrusts their world to me...

Where is my peace? Where is true love? Where is the sign that it all works out in the end? Even if it works out badly?

Who will face the dark with me?

It's just me and Shadow i guess.

All those i met are still bound and breaking they are too unstable to ask for help with cases...the one i thought i could trust is a butt and too arrogant to accept when i am right...

I am the only one who, so far, has managed to handle dealing with all this...but how long can this go on?