I guess...I could curse my luck for all the things in my head or call myself a beautiful mess of genius and confusion held together by terribad puns and dry humor...

some nights, I can't hide the shaking of my hands or the racing thoughts or how my fingers dance over the keys, just typing and watching as words appear...words that I don't think of...it's like talking...you don't think about it...they just...they're just  there...

my heart pounds away, racing like an ambulance to a call...but i have this gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach as it churns like someone took a sledgehammer to my abdomen...

and I just start to hyperventilate and my jaw gets all clenched and I try to empty my head, but the only way to do that is to distract myself and so that's what I did...

but now it's almost 2am and I have so much work to do but I know i can't work at this hour so my only solution is to wake up early and try to do it...

that's if I wake up early and if I can do it and if i get it done in time and so many if's

and i know i refused to ever let those "what ifs" come back into my life but like an abusive partner the slip a jab in here and there when you drop your guard for a moment.

I don't know how i've gotten this far, being the mess that I am; all i know is that I wouldn't change who I am in spite of the mess I am.

I still see beauty in the world and in my frantic manner as I rush and race and scramble to get things done or to clean things up or whatever might be going on.

I don't know.

Today is just a strange day.

I knew what the consequences of my actions were...and i did it anyways...so I guess I chose this...

trust

"Who do you trust?"

The question rings out in the confines of my head, but I have no answer to its questioning knoll.

I don't know who I truly trust with the things in my head and in my heart.

There aren't arms I can curl up in as I grip tightly, letting my worry flow out of me...

There isn't anyone whose voice particularly soothes me when I panic.

And panic I do. I write instead of doing. I panic instead of working. I distract myself instead of focusing. I focus on all the wrong things.

What a guy.

Anxiety

It feels as if a hand is tightening around my heart tonight. The anxiety in me has spiked.

There are probably many reasons for this...

But my heart throbs nonetheless and trying to swallow it isn't working tonight.

I know there is no one I trust yet with all that hides away deep inside...so I carry on til I find what I seek.

But I wonder. Could I be doing better? That's dumb. Of course I can...

But beyond that, am I being foolish and apathetic. Is that why I am where I am?

Is it high functioning anxiety that's constantly yanking me back now, rather than depression?

This nervous energy that makes me move, that makes me work as much as I can...the energy that drives me to spend most of my week busy, busy, busy just to keep my mind off my thoughts, as strange as it sounds...the energy that sends my fingers flying across the keys of my computer tonight...the energy that never ceases...the electric tingle, the gut wrenching stomach aches, the racing heartbeat, the pressure on my chest, the fact that my mind never shuts up...

there's always so much and it's such a blur, flying around inside me...and no one will know. I smile. I work. I laugh. I live. I love.

I am all those things, and it is, for the most part, genuine...but it is never all that I am...

But will there ever someone that knows me? Is there someone who understands my habits, my quirks, and picks up on the way I tap my foot when there's something on my mind or how I play with my hair when I try to calm myself down or how repetition takes my mind away or that I sing just to give myself something to do to avoid hearing it all bounce around in my head...

Maybe that's why I play that sleepy time playlist as I sleep, because without something to focus on, I get lost in my own mind...

Maybe...maybe...maybe...

anxiety

Toradora!

Toradora! the anime was unexpected, much like love is supposedly meant to be.

It was a rash decision after deciding to grab sushi and groceries, having just failed my ITLS written exam again by two questions this time.

Toradora!'s main characters, Taiga and Ryuji, make me smile. They look after each other in their own ways.

I want a love like that. I know life isn't like anime. But the lessons learned? Those can come from anywhere.

I just wish...I wish I wasn't so...so much of a fuck up sometimes.

I try really hard to remain strong and to adapt to all things, but I have to admit, I see it.

I see the impact this stress and anxiety are having on me and on my health. I am more tired every day. Driving has become more dangerous for me, owing to my sleep deprivation.

The number of accidents that I have almost been in for stupid reasons shouldn't be so high. I don't know if I am safe. I know that I am not fit. .That's why I am where I am. The question is, will i care enough to get off my fucking feet and really work out like I used to.

im falling asleep and this isn't helping.

I am in love with someone I don't know. and have never met. She exists somewhere, out there.

I believe.