It's been a long time since I came back here.

She messaged me and apologized. It's been more than a month since we last spoke.

I know it's not the first time and I know it won't be the last.

This is how these things go.

I feel wearied and worn down.

I feel old.

I feel forgetful.

I feel...alone.

The joys in my life are like a drug.

The only last so long before the "high" falls off, and that's when the loneliness hits you again, only harder now than before, and so it goes.

Driving down the road at night or in the evening as the sun sets, it makes you wish dearly to have your loved one by your side.

But here I am.

Just me.

Alone.

Is it something I do? My schedule? My job?

I know I'm not an angel.

I know I'm no superstar.

But I had hoped that what I was would be enough for someone someday.

Perhaps I was wrong to think that.

Perhaps I am just tired and don't know what I am talking about.

I am concerned. I was going to say scared but I am not scared. Just...concerned...about my memory loss.

I was going to give izzy a mod in warframe. I traded it to him, went to look for more mods for him, found the same mod, said the same thing about how it was a really good one and that I should trade it to him only to realize that was exactly what I had said and done not 30 seconds earlier.

Then on my way home from school, i craved an m&m mcflurry and the door to the building was locked but the drive thru was open, so I hopped back in the car but took my wallet out of my pocket for easier access. I drover for less than a minute around the lot to get into the line for the drive-thru only to check my pockets for my wallet to ensure I was able to pay for the food only to find my wallet was missing. I frantically checked all my pockets but couldn't find it.

I pulled out of the line and began to drive directly home thinking I must've left it on my bedside table or something and not realized it. I was upset now because A) no mcflurry, B) can't refuel tonight which forced me to get up earlier than usual tomorrow to fuel up before work  C) with no wallet, I have no driver's license nor my EMT/BLS license.

I headed home only to find, just two minutes out from my apartment that I had my wallet sitting on the seat next to me where I had taken it out of my pocket specifically for the drive thru.

I am worried.

This is not a good trend.

Its getting bad again. All the anxiety and fear and the stomach turning panic..

Nights are get ting worse and harder to sleep through. I haven't even seen anything bad yet.

What will become of me when I get my first dead pt? Or my first serious trauma?

My memory has grown worse but my responsibilities only continue to grow.

Am I all that I say I am or is it just a comforting lie?

Something to get me by?

I dont know.

I dont know.

I need something or someone to hold on nights like this.

It will be a tough year.

I am scared I will get myself fired from work. It terrifies me.

I feel sick.

I guess...I could curse my luck for all the things in my head or call myself a beautiful mess of genius and confusion held together by terribad puns and dry humor...

some nights, I can't hide the shaking of my hands or the racing thoughts or how my fingers dance over the keys, just typing and watching as words appear...words that I don't think of...it's like talking...you don't think about it...they just...they're just  there...

my heart pounds away, racing like an ambulance to a call...but i have this gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach as it churns like someone took a sledgehammer to my abdomen...

and I just start to hyperventilate and my jaw gets all clenched and I try to empty my head, but the only way to do that is to distract myself and so that's what I did...

but now it's almost 2am and I have so much work to do but I know i can't work at this hour so my only solution is to wake up early and try to do it...

that's if I wake up early and if I can do it and if i get it done in time and so many if's

and i know i refused to ever let those "what ifs" come back into my life but like an abusive partner the slip a jab in here and there when you drop your guard for a moment.

I don't know how i've gotten this far, being the mess that I am; all i know is that I wouldn't change who I am in spite of the mess I am.

I still see beauty in the world and in my frantic manner as I rush and race and scramble to get things done or to clean things up or whatever might be going on.

I don't know.

Today is just a strange day.

I knew what the consequences of my actions were...and i did it anyways...so I guess I chose this...

trust

"Who do you trust?"

The question rings out in the confines of my head, but I have no answer to its questioning knoll.

I don't know who I truly trust with the things in my head and in my heart.

There aren't arms I can curl up in as I grip tightly, letting my worry flow out of me...

There isn't anyone whose voice particularly soothes me when I panic.

And panic I do. I write instead of doing. I panic instead of working. I distract myself instead of focusing. I focus on all the wrong things.

What a guy.

Anxiety

It feels as if a hand is tightening around my heart tonight. The anxiety in me has spiked.

There are probably many reasons for this...

But my heart throbs nonetheless and trying to swallow it isn't working tonight.

I know there is no one I trust yet with all that hides away deep inside...so I carry on til I find what I seek.

But I wonder. Could I be doing better? That's dumb. Of course I can...

But beyond that, am I being foolish and apathetic. Is that why I am where I am?

Is it high functioning anxiety that's constantly yanking me back now, rather than depression?

This nervous energy that makes me move, that makes me work as much as I can...the energy that drives me to spend most of my week busy, busy, busy just to keep my mind off my thoughts, as strange as it sounds...the energy that sends my fingers flying across the keys of my computer tonight...the energy that never ceases...the electric tingle, the gut wrenching stomach aches, the racing heartbeat, the pressure on my chest, the fact that my mind never shuts up...

there's always so much and it's such a blur, flying around inside me...and no one will know. I smile. I work. I laugh. I live. I love.

I am all those things, and it is, for the most part, genuine...but it is never all that I am...

But will there ever someone that knows me? Is there someone who understands my habits, my quirks, and picks up on the way I tap my foot when there's something on my mind or how I play with my hair when I try to calm myself down or how repetition takes my mind away or that I sing just to give myself something to do to avoid hearing it all bounce around in my head...

Maybe that's why I play that sleepy time playlist as I sleep, because without something to focus on, I get lost in my own mind...

Maybe...maybe...maybe...

anxiety

Toradora!

Toradora! the anime was unexpected, much like love is supposedly meant to be.

It was a rash decision after deciding to grab sushi and groceries, having just failed my ITLS written exam again by two questions this time.

Toradora!'s main characters, Taiga and Ryuji, make me smile. They look after each other in their own ways.

I want a love like that. I know life isn't like anime. But the lessons learned? Those can come from anywhere.

I just wish...I wish I wasn't so...so much of a fuck up sometimes.

I try really hard to remain strong and to adapt to all things, but I have to admit, I see it.

I see the impact this stress and anxiety are having on me and on my health. I am more tired every day. Driving has become more dangerous for me, owing to my sleep deprivation.

The number of accidents that I have almost been in for stupid reasons shouldn't be so high. I don't know if I am safe. I know that I am not fit. .That's why I am where I am. The question is, will i care enough to get off my fucking feet and really work out like I used to.

im falling asleep and this isn't helping.

I am in love with someone I don't know. and have never met. She exists somewhere, out there.

I believe.

Wildcat told me she saw the poison of bitterness growing inside me and that it worried her.

I'm not sure what to think. I've always been slowly drawing poison into my soul.

I knew I couldn't make people happy. I knew that. But I could take away their pain and suffering little by little.

I took some of Wildcat's pain. Now she found the one she's been looking for. The man she loves more than anyone else she's ever met. The man that makes her feel safe.

I've watched her change since I met her.

Now most of it was her doing and her hard work, but I will admit, I did slowly sap the poisonous darkness from her soul as much as I could.

And Frog Girl? She met the love of her life too after me.

And Bratty Bear made up with her friend.

And Marshmallow found a man.

And Sparrow seems well too.

I try to leave people better than I found them.

I don't expect their gratitude. I don't expect their adoration or admiration or thanks. I don't expect them to even know what i've been doing for them or for others around me.

I am boring because I don't party or drink or smoke or do drugs. I'm boring cause i don't troll tinder or snapchat or go fuck anything with legs while at wild parties.

I'm not interesting. I'm not special.

I'm just the repository for their pain. I understand it. I empathize with it.

I know how they feel. I can see it.

But can they see mine?

Can they see what I do to myself?

I am tired. My soul is tired. I want to sleep.

Dio

I love this band. There are so many relatable songs and the rhythm is awesome.

When there's a lightning

You know it always brings me down

Cause it's free and I see that it's me

Who's lost and never found

I cry for magic - I feel it dancing in the night

But it was cold - I lost my hold

To the shadows of the night

There's no sign of the morning coming

You've been left on your own

Like a rainbow in the dark

Do your demons - do they ever let you go

When you've tried - do they hide - deep inside

Is it someone that you know

You're just a picture - you're an image caught in time

We're a lie - you and I

We're words without a rhyme

There's no sign of the morning coming

You've been left on your own

Like a Rainbow in the Dark

Just a Rainbow in the Dark

When there's lightning - it always brings me down

Cause it's free and I see that it's me

Who's lost and never found

Feel the magic -feel it dancing in the air

But it's fear - and you'll hear

It calling you beware

There's no sign of the morning coming

There's no sight of the day

You've been left on your own

Like a Rainbow...

Like a rainbow in the Dark