It's always been the loneliness that hurts most. The emptiness being close or far from you.

I don't have any best friends anymore.

No one to pour my heart out to...no one to cry with.

I am struggling and if I were to scream silently, who would hear my soul cry out? Who would know me well enough to see what is happening through the look in my eyes?

Few, if any.

I was so tempted to talk to her. But she is fine without me. So what's the point?

I'm alone. And that's how it is.

Silent night

 The night is cold, and quiet...and lonely.

I miss her...my kitten. These moonlit nights remind me of our times together, talking by candlelight as she smoked...we pondered the world, life, and death...I found peace in the company.

Where has that peace gone?

Marshmallow is naive and foolish. Strong, but young. She cannot help me in times like this. She won't understand what I see or the struggle I face.

My own mother is ignorant of her role in my frustration. She thinks she is helping but by not allowing even the possibility of importance in my own actions she loses my trust in her.

I am lonely. Alone with my struggles and yet seeking those worthy of my loyalty. For now, I serve those whom I've taken under my wing. I at first see them as companions and equals until they prove to be others simply in need of a vehicle. In time, they too will leave. As all do.

Sometimes I wonder if I had just taken a few breaths and slept on it. Maybe wildcat and I would still be friends at least. But I know in my heart of hearts that it would not improve. She is a player. A flirt. And has not the maturity to accept when she has wronged me, even after all these years, she is blind to the ones who love her.

Still no word on sparrow. She too left me in the lurch...for her own safety I presume.

Sometimes I'm tempted to block her too.

What use is someone who never talks to you or acknowledges your existence?

I feel so lonely without having someone to trust completely.

It is cold outside. Cold and quiet. I miss the sounds of the night. I miss falling asleep under the stars and at home with the woods...

I'm afraid of failing again. I need to get stronger. I have to find the inspiration to beat this challenge.

I have to.

I'm not going to be any use if I remain weak as I am.

I'm hungry.

It's cold...but naruto is proving more than decent.

I shall curl back up and hope the loneliness ends some day. Some day...

I don't see much chance of ever getting married. Of ever loving someone who loves me back as much if not more than I love them.  Sigh.

I hate this cold loneliness. But I shall endure it. For them, at least.

I live to serve.

Naruto and life

I learned something from watching the original Naruto series...

Sometimes you have to give things a chance. It took almost 30-50 episodes for the series to become more exciting and worthwhile.

Celtic soul

I miss her dearly...but even still I refuse to crawl back to anyone anymore. I have more self respect and dignity than to beg to be accepted or loved. My soul is that of a warrior and I will not bow to anyone who is not worthy of my spirit.

Tomorrow is 4/20 and I know she'll be getting high and I won't be there to see it. As much as I will miss it, I know i can't let myself be weak.

I will be stronger than my desires. I will be stronger than my wants. I will become more than I ever was, for myself. For my love of the future. For my duty to those around me.

Okay this is fucking ridiculous. How does my cousin have a hot date for prom and I'm still single. I don't get it.

Days like this are really difficult to cope with. I feel pretty alone.

I know Marshmallow will say some shit about always being there for me, but she can't be. She's got her own issues and she's too young and immature to understand everything I'm facing. She's naive too. Making the same mistake with the same guys or types of guys over and over. She needs to stand up for herself.

I just miss being legitimately wanted, needed, and loved. I miss having a partner in life.

I should start working out I guess.

I'm just tired, right? Things have to get better... they just have to...