i feel so much hatred. My mother tried to speak to me today as I was getting ready for my day. I was okay this morning, but her asking me to try to talk to her flipped my mania. All of my anger...all my rage began to surface. All the while i thought to myself how much the truth would destroy her if I spoke it...

She asked what I thought and i merely said that I "try not to".

two tears slipped out from the corners of my eyes as I listened to this song for the first time today.

Every word of it. Every note. Every rise and every fall of the music strikes the chords of my heart...of my soul.

The reason I am self-destructing is because I never let my demon out to play. I bury him deep down. I am terrified of him. I know he can kill me. I know he can kill anyone in my way. I know he is raw power. I have little control over him anymore so I leave him caged.

I can't fight anyone because I fear that if something happens and they flip my switch and my demon takes my place I would kill them...i would ruin my future. I would be responsible for so many deaths for I simply would not care. I would revel in the power i held over them

I could use my words to make them shake. I could infuriate them. I could use every bit of who they are against them. And then drive a blade between their ribs with a satisfied smile. I'd laugh as the blood dripped and they stared at me, shocked. The short nerd had lost his mind. He went insane.

They world sees me weak for not giving in to my monster. But I am one of the strongest, because I let the depression have me, not my rage. I hate my depression. But I love my anger.

It scares me how much I enjoy it. It's like feeding a fire and watching it grow and devour all around me. It's a whirlwind. A firestorm.

It's blood and glory.

It's uncontrolled. It's wild. It is raw. It's is unchecked. Unbalanced. Unnecessary. Unneeded.

It is my Demon. It is my Wolf. And I love him. And that is why I am strong.

Because I deny the thing I love. The thing I want. Because I know it will be the end of all other loves.

It would destroy and burn all that i see. It  is why i never fight. It is why I let myself be treated like a dog and not a Wolf.

It's why I hate the weak me. It's why I hate my own weakness, because I know i have so much strength and unfocused power.

I know i am no better than anyone else.

But my Demon wants me to think so.

I'm trying. I'm trying to control my Demon.

It'll kill me and all that I love if i don't.

reaching the end of my rope with this fucking project. Why can't the information just be there...damn it.


Singing to keep myself from going crazy in my room alone.

Alone

i am in pain...intense, mind numbing pain and there is such an ache deep inside me and I cannot stop it. I am on the verge of tears yet again.

Everything i've buried wants to come out and it's got nowhere to go...so i just push it back down again and again...

I'm so cold...I just want to rest...i don't want to feel this way...it hurts. Like i've got a knife in my heart and someone's twisting it at random intervals. My face is stiff with a mix of dried and still dripping tears.

Someone...anyone...hold on to me...I'm lost and alone right now and I just don't want to think right now. I just want to be held and loved. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't want to feel alone anymore.

Please.

I need you, but I know you have your own life to live. You told me that I wasn't a part of your life anymore...I didn't deserve it.

 i can't expect anyone to fight for me except myself...

I need you, but I know not to ask anymore...I need and want you, but I don't feel welcome near you these last few weeks...and so i'm not gonna call, or ask or message or anything...I don't want to bother you anymore. I know I'm a bother. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know.

I know.

I hate knowing it but I know.

Bother. fuck up. stupid. Moron. Idiot. Stupid. Fool. I know all these names cause they are what I call myself already.

I've become a useless, boring, uninteresting fuck up and it's like there's nothing I can say or do to change it no matter how hard i try and keep trying.

I hate feeling like i have lost you. I hate losing every fucking person I actually care about.

I hate myself for not being enough. For not fighting harder when I had the chance to hold on to you.

But i'm too late now, aren't i. Too fucking late.

But it hurts so much. It hurts.

But I can't let go. I can't give up. I just can't. I would hate myself so much more for it.

Fuck i hate feeling so helpless...so weak.

I've written so many posts like this but i can't post them cause I refuse to hurt you with them. I know you read these and i can't hurt you. I'd rather let my unspoken words poison me than let my words poison you.

I am broken too...i am broken too.

I shouldn't post this. But it hurts so much. It hurts. I want to pull myself apart just to stop the pain.

This is what desperation feels like i guess. Bitter. empty. cold. Like old tears.

I'll keep hanging on...but please. Don't wait too long. It isn't easy to feel like I'm not wanted...and to want you all the same.

My head is pounding...I need to lie down and curl up. Maybe sleep will stop the pain. there's so much pressure in my head...

I just want a reason to try again.

I just want something to hold on to.

But i'm slipping down and away...

I'm reaching out but there are no hands left to grab me.

I am crying.

I don't want to die alone. I don't want to be alone.

Just...just don't lose hope or give up on yourself. please.

I'll be fine...i'm just tired...I'll be okay.

I'd say "don't worry about me"...but when I said that to my ex she replied "I don't."

I don't want to hear that from you too.

I'll go now...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry...

I just wish i wasn't so alone. I hate being so alone.


I'm alone. Why am I alone so alone?

damn it. fucking damn it.

I SHOULD HAVE SHUT MY DAMN MOUTH.

I told her. She asked and I told her the truth and where am I now? Huh? I'm the hateful fucking one? Am I?!

You ruined me, Mother. I was someone before you did this to me.

This is why I don't talk to you. this is why I never told you.

I'm triggered as fuck.  I've got scratches down my fucking arm and it burns. I cannot take this.

Great. Now I am crying.

No. why.

Please...why. I didn't want to talk. Why would you try to get me to talk.

why would you make it seem like it was my fault. No one deserves to hear that from their own mum.

why.


I'm cold. And alone. I just wish I knew why. Why am I such a stupid piece of shit. i am disgrace to my family, was hated by my mother. My "brother" told me he didn't respect me as anything more than human and been told by some asshole to "get my head check" cause they thought i was fucked up.

we all have our demons.

why wouldn't you have left mine alone?

I hate myself. This is why.

whatever.




I wish you were here...i could use a hug...