My sister's still very sick it seems. Mum's taking her to the doctor to make sure it's not something like Rocky mountain spotted fever. My youngest sister almost died from that.

I need to exercise, clean my room, look up some potential courses/job opportunities, begin packing for Florida.

I hope your day is going well, Lani, and that it only improves as time goes on.

Crying and cold
With no one to hold
Me in their arms so tight.
No one to stand and fight
With me tonight
I'm alone and sad
And i can't even be mad.
I wanted you to find someone
And now you've gone and done
What you needed, what you wanted
But i feels like you flaunt it.
What was left of my heart
Is slowly falling apart
And now i understand
What it means be a man
To let go
When you know
That you're not right
For the woman you would fight
For with your life and soul
Cause all that's left of my heart's a hole
I don't know what to do
I don't know

i just don't know

Don from the suicide chatline's really nice though. Second time i've used the chatline...I had no where else to turn.

No friends to talk to about this.

Music, suicide chatline, and too much work. And a now cold cup of tea...

Speaking of cold...i am really cold right now. I wish i had my fuzzy blanket.

We were standing on a steep downward slope decked out in heavy winter gear...Kamran in front of me and dad in front of him...but there's someone behind me...i don't recognize them...they have vibram five finger shoes...the one behind me shifts and in the dead silence the snow dislodged by his feet make me whirl in a alarm, knife drawn (either a Gerber Torch II or a Gerber DMF Manual)...we realize it's just that guy...

We proceed slowly down the mountain slope....there are tall trees all around...but spaced out....no brush can be seen between the trees...the snow is crisp...cold...fresh...it must've been recent...There's a tall outcropping of rock ahead...like chimney rock...but rougher...smaller...climbable...

There's a killer out here...a beast...it moves on all fours...silent...deadly...and extremely dangerous...

We hear a noise we suspect it came from the top of the rocks ahead....

We head that way.

We reach the bottom of the outcropping. Dad starts to climb up, blade in hand (DMF)...Kamran backs up and pulls out a compound bow...but to see the top clear enough for a shot, he has to move further and further back from the group and closer to the trees...

We've never really seen the creature...but i'm suddenly sure that someone was about to be attacked...I felt that it could jump clear off the top of the rocks to down below...as in right behind Kamran...I felt this overwhelming sense of fear and panic that the creature would either silently take Kamran while my back was turned to watch dad climb up to the top of the rocks...or that it lay in wait for my father at the top and the moment he reached the top it would pull him up and drag him off before we could do anything...

Not sure where the five finger shoe guy is...

I feel the beast is very close and that death is seconds away for one of us...

and then ...




My mother shakes me awake and the nightmare ends...but I can still see it as clear as day...it felt so real...my heart is still racing and i'm trembling...i could feel the cold and see the snow...i could feel the environment around me...

I've seen this one before...I don't know what means...It's almost like that movie After Earth...but it's not...

This is the first time I knew who was there with me...

I don't know...I don't know...

It was...frightening...Like i was just watching it happen, but my mind processed it before things happened and so I knew we were going to die before the creature attacked and I couldn't do anything at all to save either my father or my uncle...


I've got goosebumps all over from it...

i feel so much hatred. My mother tried to speak to me today as I was getting ready for my day. I was okay this morning, but her asking me to try to talk to her flipped my mania. All of my anger...all my rage began to surface. All the while i thought to myself how much the truth would destroy her if I spoke it...

She asked what I thought and i merely said that I "try not to".

two tears slipped out from the corners of my eyes as I listened to this song for the first time today.

Every word of it. Every note. Every rise and every fall of the music strikes the chords of my heart...of my soul.

The reason I am self-destructing is because I never let my demon out to play. I bury him deep down. I am terrified of him. I know he can kill me. I know he can kill anyone in my way. I know he is raw power. I have little control over him anymore so I leave him caged.

I can't fight anyone because I fear that if something happens and they flip my switch and my demon takes my place I would kill them...i would ruin my future. I would be responsible for so many deaths for I simply would not care. I would revel in the power i held over them

I could use my words to make them shake. I could infuriate them. I could use every bit of who they are against them. And then drive a blade between their ribs with a satisfied smile. I'd laugh as the blood dripped and they stared at me, shocked. The short nerd had lost his mind. He went insane.

They world sees me weak for not giving in to my monster. But I am one of the strongest, because I let the depression have me, not my rage. I hate my depression. But I love my anger.

It scares me how much I enjoy it. It's like feeding a fire and watching it grow and devour all around me. It's a whirlwind. A firestorm.

It's blood and glory.

It's uncontrolled. It's wild. It is raw. It's is unchecked. Unbalanced. Unnecessary. Unneeded.

It is my Demon. It is my Wolf. And I love him. And that is why I am strong.

Because I deny the thing I love. The thing I want. Because I know it will be the end of all other loves.

It would destroy and burn all that i see. It  is why i never fight. It is why I let myself be treated like a dog and not a Wolf.

It's why I hate the weak me. It's why I hate my own weakness, because I know i have so much strength and unfocused power.

I know i am no better than anyone else.

But my Demon wants me to think so.

I'm trying. I'm trying to control my Demon.

It'll kill me and all that I love if i don't.

reaching the end of my rope with this fucking project. Why can't the information just be there...damn it.


Singing to keep myself from going crazy in my room alone.

Alone

i am in pain...intense, mind numbing pain and there is such an ache deep inside me and I cannot stop it. I am on the verge of tears yet again.

Everything i've buried wants to come out and it's got nowhere to go...so i just push it back down again and again...

I'm so cold...I just want to rest...i don't want to feel this way...it hurts. Like i've got a knife in my heart and someone's twisting it at random intervals. My face is stiff with a mix of dried and still dripping tears.

Someone...anyone...hold on to me...I'm lost and alone right now and I just don't want to think right now. I just want to be held and loved. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't want to feel alone anymore.

Please.

I need you, but I know you have your own life to live. You told me that I wasn't a part of your life anymore...I didn't deserve it.

 i can't expect anyone to fight for me except myself...

I need you, but I know not to ask anymore...I need and want you, but I don't feel welcome near you these last few weeks...and so i'm not gonna call, or ask or message or anything...I don't want to bother you anymore. I know I'm a bother. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know.

I know.

I hate knowing it but I know.

Bother. fuck up. stupid. Moron. Idiot. Stupid. Fool. I know all these names cause they are what I call myself already.

I've become a useless, boring, uninteresting fuck up and it's like there's nothing I can say or do to change it no matter how hard i try and keep trying.

I hate feeling like i have lost you. I hate losing every fucking person I actually care about.

I hate myself for not being enough. For not fighting harder when I had the chance to hold on to you.

But i'm too late now, aren't i. Too fucking late.

But it hurts so much. It hurts.

But I can't let go. I can't give up. I just can't. I would hate myself so much more for it.

Fuck i hate feeling so helpless...so weak.

I've written so many posts like this but i can't post them cause I refuse to hurt you with them. I know you read these and i can't hurt you. I'd rather let my unspoken words poison me than let my words poison you.

I am broken too...i am broken too.

I shouldn't post this. But it hurts so much. It hurts. I want to pull myself apart just to stop the pain.

This is what desperation feels like i guess. Bitter. empty. cold. Like old tears.

I'll keep hanging on...but please. Don't wait too long. It isn't easy to feel like I'm not wanted...and to want you all the same.

My head is pounding...I need to lie down and curl up. Maybe sleep will stop the pain. there's so much pressure in my head...

I just want a reason to try again.

I just want something to hold on to.

But i'm slipping down and away...

I'm reaching out but there are no hands left to grab me.

I am crying.

I don't want to die alone. I don't want to be alone.

Just...just don't lose hope or give up on yourself. please.

I'll be fine...i'm just tired...I'll be okay.

I'd say "don't worry about me"...but when I said that to my ex she replied "I don't."

I don't want to hear that from you too.

I'll go now...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry...

I just wish i wasn't so alone. I hate being so alone.


I'm alone. Why am I alone so alone?

damn it. fucking damn it.

I SHOULD HAVE SHUT MY DAMN MOUTH.

I told her. She asked and I told her the truth and where am I now? Huh? I'm the hateful fucking one? Am I?!

You ruined me, Mother. I was someone before you did this to me.

This is why I don't talk to you. this is why I never told you.

I'm triggered as fuck.  I've got scratches down my fucking arm and it burns. I cannot take this.

Great. Now I am crying.

No. why.

Please...why. I didn't want to talk. Why would you try to get me to talk.

why would you make it seem like it was my fault. No one deserves to hear that from their own mum.

why.


I'm cold. And alone. I just wish I knew why. Why am I such a stupid piece of shit. i am disgrace to my family, was hated by my mother. My "brother" told me he didn't respect me as anything more than human and been told by some asshole to "get my head check" cause they thought i was fucked up.

we all have our demons.

why wouldn't you have left mine alone?

I hate myself. This is why.

whatever.




I wish you were here...i could use a hug...

i wish my parents would stop trying to "help" me when they have not a clue what I need.

I need to be alone or else I might lash out. I isolate myself because I am volatile and irritated right now and their methods of "helping" don't really help.

House or a home?

What makes a house into a home? Is it that your blood family lives there? That you bought it yourself? That you sleep there or eat there or "live" there?

I may be in our house, but I do not know if this is my home. My room's bigger than my old one, and definitely bigger than my dorm...the food is good and so is the view...there's a few tv's to watch and movies to pick from...my own shower and bed and bathroom...

But it's not what you have...it's what you do...and who you do it with...

Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I'd do a whole lot for them.

But there are issues.

Mom. I understand more than you realize that i need self-discipline and dedication and all that good shit. I know. Okay? But since i've gotten "home", and since i was cornered into telling you about my depression/anxiety issues on your terms, not my own...you've taken it upon yourself to fix me.

A) I respect that you want to help and that you want to be a part of my recovery but I don't quite trust you completely yet.

B) My lack of trust is founded as you try to enforce this whole, go to bed early, wake up early, be up by 10am crap...i have nightmares...almost every night mom...i can't sleep. It gets hot and i throw the covers off...it gets cold and I curl up under the covers only to overheat again...i have no control over the temperatures down here...In the day it's too cold and i get chastised for opening my window to let the warm, fresh air in...and at night it's too hot...and I can't sleep right...I wake up with neck and back pain because I can't get comfortable in my own bed. And when i have to get up by 10am or whatever? And you ask "Well you must've been up late. Why else would you be so tired?" No. I was NOT up late. Late is fucking 3am. Late is not sleeping because you didn't want to...by choice...not because you couldn't, or were haunted by nightmares.

C) I am not taking any damn summer classes. That's the OPPOSITE OF WHAT MY PSYCHOLOGIST TOLD ME TO DO.  grrrr. I need to relax. Rest. Reconnect with my passions. My drive to succeed will return not from doing what I hate, but by remembering what I love and why I would do what I dislike to achieve what I want out of life.

D) I'm old enough to decide for myself what I want. It's great you love me. It really and truly is. But you don't understand me. In fact, i'm not sure if there's a person out there who understands all of what goes on in my head. I certainly don't. My best friends know a lot about me, Anika, Melissa, and Lauren, as does my girlfriend, Lani. But they don't know all there is to know about me. I'll sort myself out at my own pace. Not yours.

E) What the fuck am I supposed to tell Izzy? My grandparents? My cousins? Anyone who asks how college is going? Lie to them? Tell them i'm doing great? When it may be that I'll be off for a semester to collect my thoughts and recover?

F) Also, Mom. My leg bouncing is not intentional. Stop telling me to stop it. I can't really tell my anxiety to just fuck off. Trust me. I tried. Didn't work.

G) To my sisters. I love you. You're my siblings and I would die defending your honor and your lives. But please don't make me feel bad for not spending all my time with you. I'm intro and extroverted. I can't handle dealing with people for too much time. It just bothers me. I don't like social interaction all the time. I know i'm not at college. Okay? I know i am "home". I know maybe to you it doesn't seem like i'm "home" cause you don't see too much of me...but i am not really home yet. My soul's out there wandering. I'm trying to find it. Thanks.

H) To my cousins. I try to be patient...but pretending like I don't know that you calling me KB actually means Ketchup Butt gets tiring. I know. I am not stupid. It stopped being funny ages ago. Just because little kids make up dumb names to call others doesn't mean you do it constantly to your 20 year old cousin.

I) I for I just don't know some nights. My head's full of thoughts, and I hate it and covet it. Why? I don't know. I hate it cause i never stop thinking, over-thinking, and analyzing...and then analyzing my analysis...This is bad. I am stressed, and not sleeping right...and I just don't know right now. I want my head to shut the fuck up. I needs to just stop thinking. To turn off. To stop.

J) I guess i should try to balance this negative nancy of a list with some happier additions like...the storm that rolled over us was actually quite pretty.

K) I love my girlfriend, and couldn't ask for better, for she seeks to make me happy, and I seek to make her happy, though I know I fall woefully short.

Someone.

Someone

Someone hold me while I shake and cry
Someone tell me not to die
Someone come and banish my fears
Someone dry my tears
Someone remind me to fight

Someone hug me tight

Cause i'm not alright.

I am not alright.

~Wolf 12:29pm EST