The other shoe

 

I dont understand how I can be asking too much. I respected every fucking thing you asked of me. Any mistake I made in that, I get. I never meant for Swallowtail to overhear me. But when I break down am I not supposed to lean on the one I love and who "claims" to love me? 

Do you? Do you love me even?

I don't know what you want for me.

We're just friends now but you want me over, not just over, but staying with you. No pet names and no I love yous, but do stay over for a week. 

You don't answer my questions directly. You dodge them or change topics or just flat out disappear.

All I ask for is a yes or no or an appropriate answer. But I can't even get that. 

A little support is "expecting too much". 

Then what the fuck do you want? I fucking told you I was too much for you but you said I wasnt.

Look who was fucking right. Me. 

I was right. Again.

You began to distance yourself and I asked about it. You said nothing was wrong.

Then you came back and hit me with the "let's just be friends". 

I knew what was coming. I knew it. I saw it. I asked about it. And you said not to worry about it. We're good you said. Well look where trusting that got me.

I give up. I am giving up. 

I don't know if I want to see you when we're like this. I don't know what to expect. i don't know what I am to you. 

i am really hurt and in a lot of pain because of how you've treated me lately.

i don't know how to talk about this without you dipping, being upset and leaving me even further from being with you, blaming me for this, you not taking things seriously, just dodging questions...

so I'll internalize it. what else do I do? you move tomorrow. you don't need this stress.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. 

i want you. I love you. But for all your talk of "not censoring me" you are doing just that. I can't talk around swift, I can't say how I feel, I can't be honest with you without you dodging the truth or my questions.

I need you.