The other shoe

 

I dont understand how I can be asking too much. I respected every fucking thing you asked of me. Any mistake I made in that, I get. I never meant for Swallowtail to overhear me. But when I break down am I not supposed to lean on the one I love and who "claims" to love me? 

Do you? Do you love me even?

I don't know what you want for me.

We're just friends now but you want me over, not just over, but staying with you. No pet names and no I love yous, but do stay over for a week. 

You don't answer my questions directly. You dodge them or change topics or just flat out disappear.

All I ask for is a yes or no or an appropriate answer. But I can't even get that. 

A little support is "expecting too much". 

Then what the fuck do you want? I fucking told you I was too much for you but you said I wasnt.

Look who was fucking right. Me. 

I was right. Again.

You began to distance yourself and I asked about it. You said nothing was wrong.

Then you came back and hit me with the "let's just be friends". 

I knew what was coming. I knew it. I saw it. I asked about it. And you said not to worry about it. We're good you said. Well look where trusting that got me.

I give up. I am giving up. 

I don't know if I want to see you when we're like this. I don't know what to expect. i don't know what I am to you. 

i am really hurt and in a lot of pain because of how you've treated me lately.

i don't know how to talk about this without you dipping, being upset and leaving me even further from being with you, blaming me for this, you not taking things seriously, just dodging questions...

so I'll internalize it. what else do I do? you move tomorrow. you don't need this stress.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. 

i want you. I love you. But for all your talk of "not censoring me" you are doing just that. I can't talk around swift, I can't say how I feel, I can't be honest with you without you dodging the truth or my questions.

I need you. 

Wolf Rising

 

 

Apologies do not bring back those you have lost.

Regrets do not heal the wounds of the living.

And Loyalty in deeds is worth ever more than loyalty in words.

                            ~Erin Wolf

 I am the Wolf. I must ALWAYS remember what that means. What my Code truly is.

Loyalty to the Pack is always first. To the Pups is my guidance and guardianship. To the weak and those in need is my aid. 

But, to those who betray that trust. To those who dare bare their fangs and bite the Wolf that brought them into the fold...

How can there be loyalty? How can there be trust? 

A wolf must trust wolf. A packmate must trust packmate. If we cannot do that, we cannot be strong...

The strength of the wolf is the pack.

The strength of the pack is the wolf.

Beauty in Her Smile

 

It seems that I am not the only one to have seen the magic of Violet's smile. One of her viewers captured her likeness in a piece of digital artwork. It was sweet and showed her lighthearted nature and the smile that I have come to know and love. 

Her smile is something I wish to protect forever, for she deserves to smile with such warmth forever. 

She is truly someone special and so strong and kind that I cannot help but love and support her as best as I can. 

I hope I can continue to stand by her side for as long as she allows me to. 

I love her. 

Beginning Again

 I have been addicted to this song for a while now. It has been playing all day and I don't really know what to say. There is so much on my mind these past few days. 

I am in love. So much so that I have both too many and not enough words to tell about it all. I want to shout it to the world. I want to scream it from the top of a mountain. I want to tell everyone I meet.

I want my family to see how amazing she is. I want them to know that I finally met my equal and my partner, even if our relationship isn't a traditional sort. 

Beyond this, I have come to realize I have lived a lot. I want to share my knowledge, my experiences, and what I have come to learn through the blood, sweat, and tears. 

And so it has come to this. 

I think I need to start blogging again to get my thoughts and feelings out. 

I don't have a lot of friends left right now to talk to but the ones that I do keep are invaluable and priceless to me. 

They have saved my life and allowed me to reach the point where I met my Violet, who I never could imagine being not only real but better than any dream I could have dreamt.

I am beyond grateful for her existence, company, kindness, and the courage she gives me to always strive to be my best. I love her. I love her more than words can describe. 

I don't know what more to say right now so I think I shall leave this here for now. Perhaps I shall chronicle more in the coming hours, days, or weeks.

~Wolf