Healing?

I tried...

I tried wolfgirl...for you...

I emailed my folks with the application for the Reptile/Amphibian Day event...

I want to get out of this dark place...i want to be free of the dark...i want to live...

Live like i did before...but even more...

I NEED TO ESCAPE....

I need to be free...

I need my friends...jolly, ed, mel, john, nick, patrick, seraphina...i need to be whole...

I need to see all the people at the event...i need to stand up with an animal in my hands and live, love, and laugh...i need to be me...and me lives in the halls of that museum...

I need to go there and get it back...

I split...yes...among the people i love...

My folks/home life, my friends/museum, and you...

All these places demanded something of me, and in my depressed and hurt state i broke into pieces....

i want to heal...need to heal...

this is part of that healing...

Wish me luck please?

I  hate me.

It's simple really.

I hate being me because "me" gives too much of himself...he's a stupid, idiotic, naive, selfless fool.

I try so hard to make people happy, and safe, and stay alive.

I believe the reason i live is to give up what I've got to heal others.

My best friends are really busy these days.

The me people "knew" is dead, so why don't they give it up already?

He DIED over last Winter. It's over. I'm different now. You people love him. Not me.

Remember him well. Forget me quick.

There's a man on the other side, and he's you. You are not words, and you never will be. Not to me. 

Maybe there was someone on the other side...once. He's dead. He's gone. Actions speak louder than words. I've done nothing. And talked much. Words mean little, while deeds do much. Read your own emails and chats. Read your words. You make me out to be less than real.

I'm just some stupid kid, who had a dream, and sits on his laptop and tries to help people with just words. I give hope to men and keep none for myself. 

I am no one. Nothing. Great. I'm in college. I have practically no friends. Okay? Ellington's great. He's in Maryland though...and he's busy most of the time. Melissa? Well, she's busy too.

They are/were my two best friends.

Who am i? Huh? What the heck do i do that makes a difference around here? 

Don't tell me "you touch everyone you've met". That's nice and all. It' doesn't DO anything.

No one cares about the pain i feel. No one can carry it. It's mine. 

I hate weakness and that's what i've become. Weak.

What kind of a joke of a life do i live? Hmm?

I'm pissed off

Okay? 

But hey? It's just a blog. You should never take anything i write here seriously, right? That's how it works? There are just words...they don't matter do they? 

Arrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhh!

I hate...i don't even know...i just hate...

Okay? So i'm a terrible person. I suck at relationships. I'm a hopeless idiot fool who's good for nothing..

Now just...forget about me. 

Forgotten? Good.

Cause this isn't the person you loved.

He's dead.

This is the new me. It's a piece of crap. 

Happy 2013.

[created on 2-13-13 but never posted]

Enough.

Enough, i've had enough. I'm tired and angry and upset and i just don't want to care.

Sorry, Wolfgirl. It's not you, it's me. Without you, i'm not sure where i'd be, but i will not bow, at least not now, and i'll carry on until the end, if only because the alternative might offend. So i've lost it again, but it will never end, i'm nuts, crazy and insane, oh why must my head and heart be so humane? My care is killing me and the ones i love, but if peace is a dove, it's flown away today...

Help?

I don't get it.

I just give it.

Let me go. Please. For your own good. Let me go. This is gonna destroy you. It already is. Not physically, but mentally/emotionally.

I forgive maddy. There i said it. She was right. I'm a lousy boyfriend. Huzzah. Everyone loves being right.

Go please. Go enjoy life and everything in it. I don't think i'm meant to be a part of it anymore.

This isn't working.

[unfinished post from 2-25-13]

The red pill or the blue one?

So, i almost died yesterday...

I nearly overdosed on Ibuprofen...dad said take 800mg...for some reason, my addled brain just heard 8...

So, i took 8 pills...before i realized that was four too many...

So dad called the poison control center and we learned that 1600mg is HALF the amount the body can handle in 24hrs...the max is 3200mg, or 16 pills...

[unfinished post from an unknown date]

blog about blogs?

i'll be honest...there are so many blog "drafts" on here that i just never publish. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings...i don't want to scare anyone...

just ...know that i leave a lot unpublished cause it's better for everyone that way...

[shrugs]

You all don't need to hear that crap anyways...i usually post the more...er...calm blog posts...

the rest just sit and rot in the draft pile...


sorry if this offends people...

Four words.

i hate being me.

Courage.

Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die.

-Gilbert Keith Chesterton

So, tonight i will rant because someone declared me a coward. They have never really met me and we have never really talked. They judged me based on the stories and words of just one other. They are also morally corrupt and disloyal to those around them.

I say, here and now, they have no right and no moral authority with which to call me a coward with.

I challenge the person to come forth and, to my face, declare me coward and state their reasons. If after i give them my rebuttal, to my satisfaction, they still believe me a coward and believe that i am deserving of their hate, then that is fair and fine by me, though i'd like them no better than before, if not less, and i don't like them now.

They may be wolfgirl's "best friend", but they are no friend of mine.

They are as bad as the bullies who judged me when i was little...they knew me not and judged me for a fool and weakling.

I am neither.

So come, friend of wolfgirl's. Meet me and face the one you named coward.

I will not have my name tarnished by a child who has not the courage herself to insult me in person without know one whit of my true nature.

Fie on thee, child. Fie on thee. You are nothing but a hypocrite. Face me and prove yourself! Why do you insist on shaming yourself and those who know you by acting so foolishly?

I am not perfect, not by a long shot...but at least I know where my loyalties lie and can be trusted to be fair and decent.

Humph.

Next time you call someone a coward, kid? Pick someone who's actually cowardly.

I fight for the people. 

What do you fight for?

[created 2-21-13 but never posted]

I'm scared now.

Scared. That's all i can say. Terrified...i don't want this...don't want any part of it...how could i have known this would happen? I was just trying to cope. Just trying to survive and now i'm loco.

Gosh...i'm scared.

Hug me? Someone? Please? Anyone? Just tell me i'm gonna be okay?

Rise of Wolf

From the depths of my soul, from the dark of my heart, rises the howl of my inner wolf and my mask.

I wear a mask, though you see nothing on my face. I am strong when all others are weak.

I stand in the dark, one foot in and one foot out.

The wolf calls.

Deep and strong. The howls sound in the dark and there's nothing that stops them. Embrace the wild. Feed the power. Grow stronger. Don't mind pain. Don't mind hurt. Breathe it in and cough it out. You can't be stopped. You can't be still. You're spirit grows restless now, as it's been challenged.

When pain comes your way, you close your heart up, and lower the gates. Nothing in and nothing out.

It's time to rhyme.

Wolf who howls,
Wolf who growls,
Rise up and fight
With me tonight.
The battle begins
I'll be the one who wins.

I will not break and will not bow.

I am the wolf who howls.
I am the wolf who growls.
Lay down tonight,
Cause you can't fight,
Someone like me.
So turn and flee
Before his glee.

You will fall and you will fail,
As we being to spin this tale.


With each and every fight,

The darkness grows weak by day and strong by night,

He's never satisfied and never silent.
Gnawing,
Pawing,
Growling,
Howling.
Wolf is here and here to stay.
Oh wolf, come take the pain away.



Dead of night can bring you fright,
But to him it's home.
And even though we are alone,
We have each other, he and I.
So chase my fears,
And dry my tears.
Wolf is here and here to stay.
Oh wolf, come take the pain away.

When the fear comes near,
And when pain makes gain,
Who holds me tight
And banishes all my fright?
The wolf will be
Right there inside of me.

So come out and play,
Destroyers of the pleasant day,
Demons of the darkest way,
Monsters of the mind,
And the spirits of similar kind.

Wolf is here and here to stay.
Oh wolf, come take the pain away...

Sick

So...i feel sick...everywhere...inside...and out...And...i feel cold... So cold...


My body aches...my back feels awful...my head hurts...i feel cold...so cold...

I feel empty inside...tonight.

I feel broken and weak...and this stupid physical illness is getting to my head...pushing me...harder and harder...I don't want to care tonight...just don't...don't want to think, to feel, to fight...i just want to lie down and hope things are better without me screwing things up...

Home...

Hello everyone,

Wolf here again, and i apologize for it taking so long to post something here again...

But i've got an interesting topic (at least, it's interesting to me...)...

Fires in forestry...so, i just got out of my Forestry 252 class and my professor and I had an interesting discussion about using fire to control invasive species within the state (plants mainly)...

He was saying how the fires help clear out the understory of wood brush (if done in late spring/early summer), because the plants use a tremendous a amount of carbohydrates in order to "revive" themselves from the dead of winter. Using controlled burns in this window causes the plants to burn up and use MORE of their stored energy, leaving less for surviving the winter and the subsequent summers...and that, over the course of several years, or even decades, this will destroy the woody shrubs in the understory and encourage more native species to reclaim the land (like the red cockated woodpecker and long leaf pine)...

Now, using what i know on invasives, i began to theorize that, because these species come from similar, but NOT identical climates, they can handle our temps/rainfall etc....but, for the longest time, we've restricted burning of the forests in this state...making the understory, thicker, denser, and easier for bugs/diseases/viruses/invasives to spread from tree to tree...

Well, most plants/animal become used to a specific range of values (temps) and conditions (rain/weather/amount of sunlight etc.)...so mix it up! Throw a curve ball into their "sniffer" (Sorry...that's in reference to a story wolfgirl shared the other evening...you know i love you Wolfie <3  )

Make this darn invasives fight our REAL state...let 'em burn...make 'em struggle and bleed for every inch of ground they try to gain in my home state!

I wonder if i could convince some one to do a study on this? It's quite intriguing to me, as i love studying invasives, ecology...EVERYTHING (almost?)...and this solution avoids using chemical solutions being doused everywhere, limits the amount of manpower needed on the ground, and is natural...it's SUPPOSED to be happening...we just...suppress it...


ANYWAYS...

Naturalist ran over...

Blog-y stuff...

So, yeah...it seems my folks are really gonna do it this time...build a house out in MD...not from the ground up, mind you, but picking out some finishing touches and editing a few rooms...using existing plans and just modifying them to what we need...

I dunno...it's kind of exciting...they've seemed to have narrowed it down to two neighborhoods even...just 20min from dad's work...

One of 'em has AT LEAST two acres of woods around it...the other, not quite as wooded, but has a ravine in the back and would be a bit of a bigger house...and either one would be bigger than where we are now (and i don't think our home is small...)...

I dunno, it's exciting, it's scary...it's new...but...i am almost....dare i say it? Looking forward to seeing this new place and the woods that come with it...

>GASP

WOLF? Did you just say you are looking forward to the new house?? 

Yes, conscience, i might actually be getting over the loss of my first, TRUE home...the foxes in the back, the spiders in the woods...the ants in the lawn (and the mole/shrew)...and  Shelly (e. box turtle that goes through the yard every year), and the birds and bats and lizards and snakes...

Gosh, i love my home state...i mean, i know i'm not leaving...but...not having a "home" is kinda rough...

I mean..dorm life is fine and all...but it's a room... you walk out and it's a cold, drab hall, and people you may or may not like all around...and you can't lean over the rails and bother your youngest sister, or bug your dad, and you won't get to see your other sister quietly slip on your dad's dress shoes while he looks around for them not realizing she has them on...you can't take your dad's iphone and have a conversation with Siri, or listen to your mom chew out that idiot telemarketer on the phone...you wont be able to hug your mom once or twice each day...or enjoy her potato salad, steaks, tomato/mozzarella salad, or bruschetta, or garlic bread, or chili...

Home...warm, filled with the smells of good food on the stove, and sometimes a good movie...laughter and smiles...the place i could tinker with just about anything (kind of...cause my folks wouldn't trust me to tinker TOO much :P ) could step outside and sit with the foxes...or go hike by the creek...hoot with owls...

Home...the place i love...

Home...the place i'm really gonna miss...

Home...is...home...and there's no place like it...and no one like the people in your family.