The time when it all explodes and my life comes crashing down.
Since the last post I was involved in a traffic incident at work, graduated, got fired, found out I was cheated on, got certified as a paramedic, and more.
My therapist didn't believe in the Doomsday Clock initially until I told him I found out I had been cheated on between the last session and this one. I think he believes in the Doomsday Clock now.
I forgave her the day I found out. I couldn't stay mad. Honestly, as hurt as I was, all I could think of was what happened between myself and my once brother and the Kitsune . How the server imploded and the mob that came after me with but bits and pieces of the truth of the situation..in the end, the collateral damage was untold and the loss of friends and social circles was tremendous.
I would have killed myself that night if not for a few friends who knew the truth and stated by my side until I was safer. Bun and Zat saved my life that night.
And so few remained after that.
I couldn't let her face a mob like that. I couldn't let her be alone in those moments when the world begins to crumble and spill like sand through your fingers as you panic even while knowing you can't stop it.
I couldn't give up on the future I wanted.
No one should be judged by a single moment of their life. She didn't judge me for my faults. I owed her that much.
And that meant taking deep breaths and trying to find the truth of the matter and decide what to do from there.
We've...moved forward some since then...Mexico is the short term goal and test.
Do I have worries? Some..I suppose. Who wouldn't with all that's going on?
I won't lie as long as Brutus was present, I was on edge. I still have some questions and frustrations over all of that but in the end it is far less important worrying about the past than it is to prepare for the future and be present in the moment to try and make things better.
Little things still make me suspicious but I've tried my best to remain calm and logical. Still online after bed but not in call? Is she in call with someone else or just forgot to power down? Long overdue after work but no response? Is she hurt? Purposefully ignoring me? Lying to me and trying to hide it all?
It's be up and down and up and down.
I don't really know what all to think. All I know is I want to be by her side in the end. It'll take time and effort and a lot of work on both our ends but I want to believe we can rebuild what we had and more...
If not...I don't even want to consider the alternative paths and choices.
I couldn't bear seeing the end of all this.
I have never let anyone so close to me before, never let them in to my family circle the way I have this time.
I felt special being proposed to. I want it all to be real. I want this to work. I want the future we both have dreamt of.
Have I just been too much or not enough?
Did she enjoy him? Was he better than me? Did he love her? Did he tell her he loved her? Did she say it back? Did she enjoy being with him more? Was it really just the one time? Did he want more? Was she ashamed to be with me?
In the end will I be enough to make her happy? Will I be that safe space?
Am I enough or will I be the vehicle to someone else's brighter future once more while not actually being the destination?
What would I tell my parents? My sisters? My grandparents?
I don't know. And I don't want to think about it.
The less I consider the alternatives the better. If I focus on success then surely success is the way things will go...I hope.
I want to be enough.
I hope I am enough
With everything wrong with me am I really worth all this trouble? Have I overinflated my self worth and value?
Maybe I'm not the best option she has. She has a lot of people waiting in the wings to swoop in the moment I'm out of the picture and I'm sure the proximity is easier than dealing with me so far away.
Sometimes I hate being so far from her. Being unable to hold her when she needs it. To please her when she wants it. To make things better for her when she's facing everything alone.
I know I'm not the best..or the brightest or richest or strongest or sexiest..I can't dance or draw or fuck as good as others. I'm shy and awkward and short and my voice sounds bad.
I know I have so many flaws. I know I'm not perfect.
I wouldn't choose me.
So why would she?
Only time will tell I guess.
I'm am trying to trust again. I want to. I need to. I love her beyond any feelings I've had before and I cannot imagine a life without her there with me.
I need this. But I don't want her suffering because of me. Feeling worthless around me because of all this. I don't want her to feel like she has been railroaded into anything she didn't want in the first place.
im repeating myself at this point I suppose.
It is late.. and I am tired. I love her.
I love her.
