It's been a long time since I came back here.

She messaged me and apologized. It's been more than a month since we last spoke.

I know it's not the first time and I know it won't be the last.

This is how these things go.

I feel wearied and worn down.

I feel old.

I feel forgetful.

I feel...alone.

The joys in my life are like a drug.

The only last so long before the "high" falls off, and that's when the loneliness hits you again, only harder now than before, and so it goes.

Driving down the road at night or in the evening as the sun sets, it makes you wish dearly to have your loved one by your side.

But here I am.

Just me.

Alone.

Is it something I do? My schedule? My job?

I know I'm not an angel.

I know I'm no superstar.

But I had hoped that what I was would be enough for someone someday.

Perhaps I was wrong to think that.

Perhaps I am just tired and don't know what I am talking about.

I am concerned. I was going to say scared but I am not scared. Just...concerned...about my memory loss.

I was going to give izzy a mod in warframe. I traded it to him, went to look for more mods for him, found the same mod, said the same thing about how it was a really good one and that I should trade it to him only to realize that was exactly what I had said and done not 30 seconds earlier.

Then on my way home from school, i craved an m&m mcflurry and the door to the building was locked but the drive thru was open, so I hopped back in the car but took my wallet out of my pocket for easier access. I drover for less than a minute around the lot to get into the line for the drive-thru only to check my pockets for my wallet to ensure I was able to pay for the food only to find my wallet was missing. I frantically checked all my pockets but couldn't find it.

I pulled out of the line and began to drive directly home thinking I must've left it on my bedside table or something and not realized it. I was upset now because A) no mcflurry, B) can't refuel tonight which forced me to get up earlier than usual tomorrow to fuel up before work  C) with no wallet, I have no driver's license nor my EMT/BLS license.

I headed home only to find, just two minutes out from my apartment that I had my wallet sitting on the seat next to me where I had taken it out of my pocket specifically for the drive thru.

I am worried.

This is not a good trend.