i removed all i wrote here.

I'm sorry for all i have done.

I don't want to just pretend like i hate you or i don't want you around. It's not true. I love gaming and talking and hanging out...but honestly, this happens a lot...

From Nathaniel, ben, and others, to Steven now, and I'm not saying he is like them, but any time a new male figure shows up in your life, somehow I am majorly sidelined, vilified, and become some sort of hated spawn of satan it seems...

I don't get how you can think, over and over again, that i don't care about you or that I don't enjoy making you smile just for the sake of smiling.

From your old lokai bracelet to the teddy and even the laptop charger, I got those things simply because i knew they'd mean something to you.

Just like the promised Klee Kai.

And all the gear and kinah and stuff in Aion.

I like seeing you smile and hearing you giggle madly and happily.

I don't care who you are with. I don't care where they live. I just want you to know that they don't automatically replace me.

I read you stories at bedtime cause i enjoy it and I enjoy putting you to bed. I want you getting sleep at night when you need and want it. I enjoy you waking me up by talking to me on skype or calling me and getting me up that way.

I game with you not cause i give a shit about AION but because i like spending time with you.

Yes, raxius has a nice voice and is calming and probably seems cooler than I am...

But he's not me. He doesn't know you like I do nor has he known you as long as I have.

I can look at you and usually tell your mood...i can figure out by your noises how you feel or what you want...

All those nights i stayed up worrying about you? Not cause i want something from you, but because i don't want to lose the chance to do things for you.

It's just, sometimes it feels somewhat unbalance and sometimes i feel unappreciated for all that I do for you on and offline.

I didn't turn people against you. Storm asked me why you and I weren't talking and I explained what happened and that I was upset.

She doesn't hate you. No one does. I don't hate you either.

She just doesn't want you and I hurting each other.

I do a lot for you, Lani. Im not trying to brag. Im being honest.

Your mythic gear came from me doing those late night EB/IO/IS/Sauro runs for you and a lot of the gp came from EB and sieges you'd ask me to go to for you for whatever reason.

It frustrates me when you put me down for my templar when i don't improve him because i spend all my time trying to improve your toons just to make you happy. Then you go and tell me stuff like "stop bragging about your gear" when in reality i'm just happy to get something for myself finally...you have three toons at 65 and most of them are geared very well. Your Sw is full mythic. I have one toon at 65. He is not full mythic. Not armor nor weapon. he can't pvp either.

So please don't think im trying to show off my gear or act like i am more than anyone else. I am just happy to get gear that i can use and socket. I am just happy to improve.

And i don't like ultimatums like "either do this or don't talk  to me ever again" or "come to siege or I turn off skype". Like i don't like being threatened to do things.

I'm not rome, who camped grigol like 24/7 but i did my best to camp grigol for you. When you were asleep i'd kinah farm or farm tia eye for you. I'd socket things for you.

I try so hard to make you happy, Lani.

I don't mind you not loving me. I can live with that. I would like to remain friends, but even if that doesn't happen, I just want you to not keep acting like i'm the worst thing in the world, cause i'm not.

I never cheated or had sex with anyone else when we were in a more or less loose relationship nor was I trying to meet new girls or anything. i was and am content knowing you.

Your smile and laughter and personality are good.

I just want to be recognized now and then that I can do something right.

It feels like when i do something for you it is either not enough, or it was simply to be expected, or is barely noticed and brushed off...OR if I don't jump to your orders fast enough I'm selfish and rude and arrogant for just trying to get stuff done.

I care about you a lot.

You mean so much to me and it hurts to be turned on in anger like that so quickly when all i want is to make you happy and I try so hard at it.

I care, Lani.

I'm still working on that 1 billion for you by the way. i didn't forget. I've got it building in a toon's warehouse that i don't touch.

I enjoy buying you skins too, because they make you happy. And i like the crazy adventurers we had in Inggy trying to get your pokemon pet.

You are a treasure trove of memories and i don't want to lose my best friend.

I'll work to earn that back, but I want this to be more balance. I dont' want you hating or bashing me so quickly or so often. It hurts and really impacts my self esteem when some I care for and respect greatly tells me i'm shitty and that they hate me simply cause something didn't go right in a game.

I want to stay your friend. I like hearing what you have to say. I just don't want to be emotionally attacked or hurt at the slightest provocation. It makes me fearful and like i'm walking on eggshells sometimes.

And it is also frustrating sometimes when you go through and read unposted blogs and then judge me on those.

My blog is here for me to get shit out of my head to AVOID saying it to those i care about...to avoid conflict because it's meant to be personal and safely stored out of peoples' sights...I trusted you with the password, and I still do, but judging me on a post written right after i get put in my place and im kind of depressed and crying and angry at myself for being so goddamn stupid isn't a good judge of who I am. And to be mad at me for a post i didn't publish seems really unfair. This blog is for me to express myself. if i have to censor myself even here out of fear of being judged for what  did and didn't post then what is the point of the blog. If i don't post it, it probably means I know it' may be upsetting to you or that i probably doesn't really reflect my true feelings but only shows a shade of turbulence that doesn't properly exemplify my character.

Please...understand that angry posts aren't meant to be an attack on you or raxius or anyone. This is for me to write out how i feel so i don't hurt others by blurting it out in skype or teamspeak or in a chat somewhere. This is for me to get shit out and not be afraid of being judged or attacked for how i feel or what i say here.

I trust you with my blog. Please, respect it  in regards to what i do post and what i don't. Read it all, but the ones that don't get posted usually have a reason for not being published. If you want to know why, ask me when i'm calm. Don't just lash out at me when i'm already flustered and out on the edge of myself. It's just not fair to either of us and just sets things up to end poorly.

I want our friendship to work  out, but there has to be boundaries and respect.

I'm willing to work on myself, but you've got to admit and at least understand some of the points i'm making here...i'm not crazy. I deserve to be respected and happy too. I want to be happy. I want to be happy in your company...and I usually am...it's just some situations i feel like im repeatedly treated unfairly and i want to work those out.

I just want to be respected and told/shown/treated like I mean something...you can go from telling me how shit my temp is to waking me up early in the morning because you need a tank for sauro. Like it doesn't make sense to me how i can be a shit templar and yet be the person you're waking up to tank something for you...but i do it because I hope at the end of the run or somewhere along the way, you encourage me or tell me that i'm doing something right...

I want to know that despite all the things i do wrong that you do recognize the effort i put in to doing things right and trying to please you....

Ultimately that's what i do...it's what i've been doing...i've been trying to make you smile...and doing all i can to do so...

but it keeps ending up with you telling me that you wish we never met or that you hate me....

yes. i know i've made mistakes and i know i fuck up and forget, and sleep to much, and too deeply and dont do enough to please you or don't try hard enough...but i dont tell you that you wont get anywhere in life...i don't tell you i wish i'd never met you or that i hate you...never. and i never want to say those things to you.

I know the shit you've been through. i know how hard it's been for you and the stress you get put under and i don't judge you for the days you get angry at me because there's so much going on that it's overwhelming you...i get it.

But those times when you just lash out at me for the littlest things makes me uncomfortable...i just want you to be happy with me...be proud of knowing me...i'd love to hear now and then "oh the EB shield? Yeah, Erin/Yusuf helped me to get it..." or "Yeah, Yusuf's a friend of mine"... i often feel like im only there to do things for you...and that's stressful at times. I love to do things for you...but i don't want that to be all that I am to you...

I want to be a friend and i want people to know that we're friends...like in instance runs, telling me to shut the fuck up cause i'm an annoying little shit really hurts my feelings.

I want to work on my side too.

I know i can be lazy and that i've not always kept my promises. I know that at times i can come off as arrogant or like I am bragging. I also recognize that I don't do things as fast as I should, like when you lost grigol because i was kiting that monkey boss. There are a lot of things for me to improve on as a person and as a friend.

But i want us to agree that we BOTH have mistakes we've made and that we need to work on and it not just being me groveling and begging to be your friend and slaving myself away to earn back some subservient place around you. i want to be an equal friend to others and not just that guy you know.

I don't know if i want to post this cause i don't want you more mad at me or more hateful  towards me. I know you're upset at me and that you are upset whenever you see me. I don't want this to fuel your hatred. I'm just trying to calmly write out things on my mind cause i rarely get a chance to talk to you about how i feel or what i think or what may be bothering me...these things bother me and i want you to know and i want you to talk to me about it...i want to come up with a solution we can both agree on and be comfortable with. I don't want the answer to every issue, argument, or fight to be "fuck you, got rot in hell, i wish i never met you, you little arrogant twat". Like that solves nothing just makes things worse all 'round.

I want to find practical ways forward. I don't like fighting or arguing with you. That's the last thing i want. And i really dont like when you're mad at me. I dont want to leave when that happens cause all i want is to make things better...to fix things and keep trying at it. I hate giving up, walking away, or abandoning people that have a significant place in my life and heart.

you have a very significant place in my life and in my heart.

You know more about me and my life and personality than most people and that is a huge deal to me. All the memories we've shared and all the nights of just being crazy stupid and having a good time are priceless and irreplaceable. I don't wanna lose a friend that can make me laugh til my stomach hurts and my ears are blurred with tears of joy.

I've never laughed more than when i've been around you and that is the honest truth.

I value that so much in you...your ability to be sweet, funny, and intelligent and sassy all in one go.

i really want to find some solution to all this.

I respect your relationship with Steven. I promise not to interfere in it or to do anything that may endanger it. i want you to be happy. I just dont want every new person to automatically mean i have to fight tooth and claw for a place in your favorable people list, you know?

Anyways, it's late and i'm tired and i need sleep before my EMT class tomorrow.

Goodnight, Ellie, Sleep tight. I hope you and Steven have a good day tomorrow and every day.

I mean that.