House or a home?

What makes a house into a home? Is it that your blood family lives there? That you bought it yourself? That you sleep there or eat there or "live" there?

I may be in our house, but I do not know if this is my home. My room's bigger than my old one, and definitely bigger than my dorm...the food is good and so is the view...there's a few tv's to watch and movies to pick from...my own shower and bed and bathroom...

But it's not what you have...it's what you do...and who you do it with...

Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I'd do a whole lot for them.

But there are issues.

Mom. I understand more than you realize that i need self-discipline and dedication and all that good shit. I know. Okay? But since i've gotten "home", and since i was cornered into telling you about my depression/anxiety issues on your terms, not my own...you've taken it upon yourself to fix me.

A) I respect that you want to help and that you want to be a part of my recovery but I don't quite trust you completely yet.

B) My lack of trust is founded as you try to enforce this whole, go to bed early, wake up early, be up by 10am crap...i have nightmares...almost every night mom...i can't sleep. It gets hot and i throw the covers off...it gets cold and I curl up under the covers only to overheat again...i have no control over the temperatures down here...In the day it's too cold and i get chastised for opening my window to let the warm, fresh air in...and at night it's too hot...and I can't sleep right...I wake up with neck and back pain because I can't get comfortable in my own bed. And when i have to get up by 10am or whatever? And you ask "Well you must've been up late. Why else would you be so tired?" No. I was NOT up late. Late is fucking 3am. Late is not sleeping because you didn't want to...by choice...not because you couldn't, or were haunted by nightmares.

C) I am not taking any damn summer classes. That's the OPPOSITE OF WHAT MY PSYCHOLOGIST TOLD ME TO DO.  grrrr. I need to relax. Rest. Reconnect with my passions. My drive to succeed will return not from doing what I hate, but by remembering what I love and why I would do what I dislike to achieve what I want out of life.

D) I'm old enough to decide for myself what I want. It's great you love me. It really and truly is. But you don't understand me. In fact, i'm not sure if there's a person out there who understands all of what goes on in my head. I certainly don't. My best friends know a lot about me, Anika, Melissa, and Lauren, as does my girlfriend, Lani. But they don't know all there is to know about me. I'll sort myself out at my own pace. Not yours.

E) What the fuck am I supposed to tell Izzy? My grandparents? My cousins? Anyone who asks how college is going? Lie to them? Tell them i'm doing great? When it may be that I'll be off for a semester to collect my thoughts and recover?

F) Also, Mom. My leg bouncing is not intentional. Stop telling me to stop it. I can't really tell my anxiety to just fuck off. Trust me. I tried. Didn't work.

G) To my sisters. I love you. You're my siblings and I would die defending your honor and your lives. But please don't make me feel bad for not spending all my time with you. I'm intro and extroverted. I can't handle dealing with people for too much time. It just bothers me. I don't like social interaction all the time. I know i'm not at college. Okay? I know i am "home". I know maybe to you it doesn't seem like i'm "home" cause you don't see too much of me...but i am not really home yet. My soul's out there wandering. I'm trying to find it. Thanks.

H) To my cousins. I try to be patient...but pretending like I don't know that you calling me KB actually means Ketchup Butt gets tiring. I know. I am not stupid. It stopped being funny ages ago. Just because little kids make up dumb names to call others doesn't mean you do it constantly to your 20 year old cousin.

I) I for I just don't know some nights. My head's full of thoughts, and I hate it and covet it. Why? I don't know. I hate it cause i never stop thinking, over-thinking, and analyzing...and then analyzing my analysis...This is bad. I am stressed, and not sleeping right...and I just don't know right now. I want my head to shut the fuck up. I needs to just stop thinking. To turn off. To stop.

J) I guess i should try to balance this negative nancy of a list with some happier additions like...the storm that rolled over us was actually quite pretty.

K) I love my girlfriend, and couldn't ask for better, for she seeks to make me happy, and I seek to make her happy, though I know I fall woefully short.